Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Friday night, I went out to dinner and a basketball game with my mom and daughter. Before leaving the house, I combed my hair, touched up my make up, and put 2 spritzes of body spray on. The husband got furious that I sprayed the body spray. Seriously, VERY upset. Said he hated the smell, etc. So, as we are leaving the house to go on our girls night out, he starts texting me. And doesn't stop for an hour and a half later. 17, yes, 17 texts. All of them telling me how he hates that body spray, he's going to throw it away, if I want to smell good, bathe. Then, there's the vulgar ones, that I won't dare repeat on here because no one deserves to deal with that. I politely told him to stop texting me, or I was blocking him. Well, that started up another whole round of texts. He is an alcoholic, and things have not been good between us for quite some time. I'm actually planning to leave him in a few months, after my youngest graduates high school. Because of our history, and then all of this Friday night, I've barely spoke to him. I'm now even dreaming of him yelling at me, telling me what I'm doing wrong, etc. It's like he's in my head and I can't get him out. Am I being over sensitive, or is this truly emotional abuse?
Add being an alcoholic to the mix and you have one humdinger of an abuser. You cannot...I repeat...CAN NOT trust anything he says. I would also guess that this abuse, maybe on a more subtle level, has been going on for a long time and you may not have even been aware. I was in a similar situation and can tell you that even if he 'wanted to change' (which most abusers don't), he wouldn't/couldn't because the alcohol takes over the brain. And it will only get worse.
To answer your question, YES this is abuse. NO you are NOT being overly sensitive.
This is CLASSIC abuse.
If you haven't already, consider contacting your local shelter to see what resources are available to you and at minimum, they should help you create a SAFE plan to leave.
Please do NOT tell him you're planning on leaving. That is THE most dangerous time. They can sense it, so please be very very careful. Make sure you start collecting information (like tax returns, pay stubs, insurance, assets, insurance, etc.) now and storing it out of the house where he cannot access it. And don't tell anyone who is a mutual friend your plans!
It would also be a good idea if you had a bag packed & stored somewhere else in case he gets violent.
If you aren't already, please consider getting counseling from a qualified therapist (i.e. one who has additional training in recovery from abuse and trauma). While I don't diagnose, it sounds like you may be dealing w/PTSD.
Take good care of yourself and trust your inner knowing and not his words.
~hugs~
Plus this guy is an alcoholic so that adds to the risk in that alcohol affects the ability to make rational decisions.
www.whengeorgiasmiled.org
BTW- have to ask- what was the body spray?
I am staying until my youngest graduates because I don't want to strip him of his graduation celebration/party. I have not spoke up about leaving because I don't want everyone to see his graduation party as the beginning of the end. I want it to be a very happy for him. My other 2 kids got the grand graduation party, and he deserves it as well. Once that is over tho, I have no idea how much longer I'll be there. I have a feeling that my husband suspects this. Up to this point, there has been no physical abuse, only the emotional and verbal. We are not intimate, and haven't been for a very long time. I can't bring myself to do that kind of stuff with someone who treats me that way. So, I just feel that he knows it's coming. I have been planning for over a year, have some money put back, and have even bought some stuff I will need for my future home. I have not spoke to any legal/law person because I don't want him tipped off. I am actually going to try to make this divorce as pleasant as one can be. I'm hoping he will as well.....
Is your son a senior? If not, I'd consider if you are rationalizing postponing the split...
Vanilla??? It smells like CAKE for crying out loud! How can that be offensive in ANY way? What a piece of work.
I hope that, if you haven't already,
you'll spend some time
reading the thread that's
now several years old
(but was just bumped
to the top), about
sensitivity.
I'm glad you have a
plan to leave. And
while I understand
that you feel leaving
now would mean
your youngest about
to graduate will be
cheated of the party
that the others had ----
we who've been on
a journey away from
abuse for awhile might
be inclined to tell you
that in the context of
a relationship that's
characterized by abuse. . . .
quality of life and SAFETY
outweigh almost everything
else.
And who's to say that if
you make the changes
you envision, that life
will be so chaotic that
the graduate won't get
to have their party?
You wrote:
"""""""""Because of our history,""""""""
If I may ask, what does
"Because of our history,"
entail? I'm guessing that
it means he's been abusive
throughout your time together.
Yes/no?
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
better times.
Please take good care
of yourself.
I urge you to consider filing for legal separation first or at least check out your laws in your state. I live in Washington and in the case of divorce, it takes six months. With legal separation it can be done right away and the finances can be separated straight away. You don't want to give him six months to make a huge financial mess.
Also, I was never the main bread winner myself and I thought I would have nothing. The courts awarded me 50% of his income for seven years AND an additional 10% (out of his) for child support, 50% of his pension, and the court ordered that he pay 50% of college expenses. So, financially I am much better off than when I was with him and he spent all our extra income on alcohol.
I wish you well. You have clearly coped with abuse for a long time. All he needs now is a simple dislike to your body spray to raise a stink.
Free yourself up and accept that things will seem strange for awhile. Eventually, you will find your way and live on your own terms.
Good for you and all the best.
IleneW: "because of our history" does in fact mean that we've dealt with this for several years. I feel the verbal/emotional abuse has occurred for several years, he would not agree with that statement. He has not physically abused me, ever. However, if that were to be the case, I would leave immediately, no question about that.
BeingShannon: I will check into that. When I leave, I really do want this to be as speedy as possible. I just want this over with!! I'm glad you're doing so well now!!! Sounds like I could take lessons from you!!!
Thank you to all who have posted replies to me!!! I'm so glad I've found this place, it could just be my saving grace!!!