Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi, I am new here. Just needed to ask the question because I live in a very tense and stressful marriage and can't seem to find any answers. 19 years of history which I won't go into the basically there is an ongoing issue between me and my husband. He wants an ' open, honest' relationship. This seems to mean that it is ok for him to say whatever he pleases to me regardless of the impact it had on me. Yesterday it was an in-depth description of how crap our marriage is and how awful it is to live with me. this is mild, in the past it had been what I would call verbal abuse, personal attack and criticism. I don't know how to deal with his comments,I feel frightened and intimidated when he raises his voice at me ( this happens often) He says he is just telling me how he feels and I don't listen to him . My fault is that I often try to avoid him or stop him from saying these things because they hurt. He feels that he can't be himself in our relationship and just be honest . I think that you should consider your words and their impact before you speak. There seems to be no resolving it, he says he is not willing to compromise on what he believes, so i suppose this means I need to agree with him or end the relationship. But I can't do things his way, I come from an emotionally abusive background and the ongoing criticism cuts me to the core. I don't feel safe in this relationship. Can anyone relate ? Am I being abusive by not letting him say whatever he feels. Do I need to learn how to do this? I said I would give him an answer today because he is saying that he wants to leave. Don't know if I can do things his way. Feeling very confused.
he knows this, but he says that he has a 'right' to do it.
I'm guessing from reading this that you don't want to live this way, right?
so does it matter whether he's 'right' (which to me, it sounds like he's not right, and is just confusing you and making you think that he's right) or not right?
you don't like it. he does it. he says he's gonna' keep doing it. he says that he has 'the right' to do it.
if you don't like it, he's 'says' he's leaving (I have a sneaking suspicion that he's just bluffing you, threatening you).
I'd say, let him 'leave'.
Imagine waking up to a house where no one verbally abuses you (because that's what he's doing)...
My situation is mild compared to most of the women in this support group. It was only a month ago that I realized what was going on was really abuse, when I realized I was afraid to tell my husband that I was having horrible anxiety-afraid to talk to him, to say the wrong thing. If you google emotional abuse you will find a list of symptoms of an abused person.
It's hard, but you come to realize it doesn't matter how "mild" it may appear abuse is abuse. It still tears you down, you still lose a little bit of yourself. I wish he would have hit me that first time. If he had wouldn't be where I am now. I wouldn't be struggling to find myself again.
Oh and about "doing things his way" you're supposed to be a team. There are ways to express yourself and your feelings without degrading or harming the other person in the relationship. Sometimes it takes understanding sometimes it takes just listning. If he's not willing to listen to your concerns and feelings even if he doesn't understand them how can you be expected to listen to his?
Yes, you're being abused.
Let him leave.
Life without being married
to an abuser, can be
SO MUCH BETTER.
I'm assuming this means that he can say what he wants, but if you voice your opinions, needs, concerns, it's wrong? It's open how HE wants it. Been there, done that. I was told that we had "communication" problems. Yeah, because I was terrified of actually speaking my mind, because when I did, I was punished with abuse. So I was quiet, or went along with what was going on. So because I couldn't "communicate" (at one point, I was yelled at to "SPEAK!" - that was one of my beginnings of the end) he felt that the problems in our marriage were of my doing, and he was allowed to be abusive, to get me to change.
He's definitely being abusive. You already had an inkling. We are validating that for you, because we've been there, or are still living through it.
He seems controlling. Which is also a bad sign.
I understadn you guys have a lot of history together, but you need to be with a person who doesn't make you feel upset and question yourself
x
Manipulation is the worst to deal with. Because it is so subtle and insidious. You are being set up, he is trying to make you believe that the problem is YOU, not him. You know in your gut it feels wrong.
And by the way, what does he believe? That you need to put up with his hurtful behaviors? Hurtful comments and criticism that erode your sense of self? That's not love.
When you tell someone that their comments are hurtful, and request that they are more sensitive next time, and they do it again, and again...that's not love either.
You do not learn to take his criticism, raised voice and the other abusive things he does. Surely you're worth more than that?
I say let him leave. I'd even offer to pack his bags and carry them to the car for him!
Good luck
My ex told me the same thing. He always said, "what does it matter HOW I say it if it's true?" Trouble is, that didn't apply to me, so that when I was saying something and it offended him, it was ok for him to get angry.
Hes abusive. Plain and Simple. Power and Control.....
My advice is let him go, pack his bags for him, put gas in teh car....send him on his way and then go about making and creating a wonderful life for yourself, a wonderful abuse-free life....
Hugs....