Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Ive been up all night being sick....i keep thinking ive got it , and then i find out something else that was a tactic and the sickness starts again.....i actually think i AM beggining to realise just what hell looks like......
I just wanted some clarity on this thing he does...im in the middle of making a statement for my solicitor because im going to my daughters today and i dont intend on coming back , i need to get healthy again....
so im asking what this is , that he does?.......is it witholding , is it countering , or is it something else.....
my gut is telling me im right but i will wait and see what you say....
so...........
when HE tells me that ... HE DOESNT TELL LIES........in fact hes actually lying all time??????...................yes or no?
when he tells me he doesnt like being ignored...........infact hes ignoring me?????
when he says he doesnt understand what im trying to say to him about him being abusive...........he actually does????
and when he says he ' couldnt look me in the eye if he cheated' or when he says he wouldnt be able to do that.............infact he propbably has????
thank you xxxx
I just wanted some clarity on this thing he does...im in the middle of making a statement for my solicitor because im going to my daughters today and i dont intend on coming back , i need to get healthy again....
so im asking what this is , that he does?.......is it witholding , is it countering , or is it something else.....
my gut is telling me im right but i will wait and see what you say....
so...........
when HE tells me that ... HE DOESNT TELL LIES........in fact hes actually lying all time??????...................yes or no?
when he tells me he doesnt like being ignored...........infact hes ignoring me?????
when he says he doesnt understand what im trying to say to him about him being abusive...........he actually does????
and when he says he ' couldnt look me in the eye if he cheated' or when he says he wouldnt be able to do that.............infact he propbably has????
thank you xxxx
says or does is to further
his (or her) agenda of
manipulation and control.
[1] When he tless you that
he doesn't lie. . . . . why would
anyone who acts with respect
toward others even imagine
they'd have to say that? Honest
people don't have to protest
their innocence. LIARS DO.
[2] Whe he tells you he doesn't
like being ignored, he's
ACCUSING you of ignoring him.
In sports, defense is a way to
begin a successful offense.
He's claiming that you're at
fault for something. (No, He's
not ignoring you. He's ATTACKING
you.)
[3] When he says he doesn't understand
what you're trying to say. . . . . he's
playing dumb in order to keep you
talking so he'll have MORE TO ATTACK.
(A wolf in sheep's clothing.)
[4] When he says he'd feel too guilty
to ever cheat. . . . . look back at [1].
Why would he feel compelled to
have to convince you what a wonderful,
faithful guy he is? Wonderful, faithful
people are obvious to us by their actions
and demeanor. Cheaters are obvious
by theirs. And then they have to work
to convince you you're imagining
what you see as the obvious truth.
Everything an abuser
says or does is to further
his (or her) agenda of
manipulation and control.
It's all Bullsh*t to mess with your head.
go to your daughter's....this is a smart move in regaining your health and sanity.....
im at my daughters now xx
is to maniipulate and
control you.
You still sound unconvinced.
Are you really unclear?
If he hasn't already betrayed
you with others, than he
likely will. That's what
abusers do, even if the
betrayal is other than
sexual. They betray
you by abusing you
instead of showing
you respect and love.
Abusers abuse.
Abusers lie.
Abusers cheat.
Abusers deceive.
Abusers withhold.
Abusers attempt to
convince you that you're crazy.
Abusers cause pain.
Abusers torture.
Abusers abuse.
Do you need further
clarification?
Glad you're away.
Stay SAFE.
I agree with the others....these are all tactics to convince you that he's the best guy in the world and he does nothing wrong.
Honest people don't need to defend themselves. In fact, honest people are willing to admit that they actually do lie (even if its a little white lie) because let's face, we all lie. Not everyone tells massively huge lies, but we've all done it at some point....and we probably will again. So, anyone who claims to not tell lies at all.....that itself is a lie.
He doesn't like being ignored.....most likely this is either his way of trying to get you to comply with whatever it is he wants from you, or he's projecting his bullshit onto you. Projection is like going out with a friend and having a drink and your friend calls you an alcoholic but its actually THEM who has the drinking problem. So, he's saying you ignore him, but he's actually ignoring you and by projecting the blame onto you, he turns out to be the good guy who's getting the shaft.
Abusers will NEVER claim to understand what we mean by them being abusive. They think they are saints and that their actions are justified for one reason or another. If they can't come up with a valid and logical excuse (which there aren't any), they will employ what I like to call "fuzzy logic." That's logic that only makes sense to them and no other human on the planet. And if they aren't good at making up excuses that make no sense, then they fall back on the "I don't get it," defense. And that is all that statement is......a defense. He's playing dumb.
As for that cheating thing....well, in a healthy relationship with healthy adults, those conversations simply NEVER come up....unless the couple happens to have experienced it in their past and they are sharing the story with their partner. When a non-cheater is accused of cheating, they don't get defensive and make all sorts of remarks in an attempt to convince their partner of the truth. Non-cheaters try to figure out what would give their partner that idea and then work on helping their partner see the truth over their imagined fears. And non-cheaters tend to do this in a loving way. Sure, their initial reaction might be shock and surprise, but in the end, they don't use flowery words to convince their partners....they give them evidence of the truth. Non-cheaters have nothing to hide and they can prove it.
I can't say your H ever cheated, but if he even considered it, came close to it, or actually did it, he would act the same way regardless. The statement, "I couldn't look you in the eye if I cheated on you," is a deliberate, calculated lie. Everyone knows that it is hard to lie when you are looking someone directly in the eye. However, that does NOT mean it can't be done. It can be. And unless you KNOW all the other subtle cues of body language that scream "he's lying!" then you may not recognize the difference. By telling you that he couldn't look you in the face....he's trying to convince you that he's always telling the truth when he "looks you in the eye." Which is the precursor to lying to you about something....whether that's cheating or not, who knows.
I'm glad you are at your daughter's. I hope you can stay with her and work on becoming completely free!
he ignored me all the time! but would get mad if he did want attention and I was busy. he would say 'you spend all day with those kids. I work all day-this is my time now. yet every weekend he was gone with his friends, leaving me alone with the kids. when I would try to talk to him about it, he would say 'I NEVER go out! I either work all day, or I'm at home. I never go anywhere!'
when in fact, he went out nearly EVERY single weekend, all day, and would only come home in time for dinner. I wish now that i had kept a calendar of it...
I often felt as if I was going crazy. I couldn't believe myself any more, because I had someone telling me that what I was perceiving was wrong.
mine also would pretend that he didnt' understand what I was talking about when I talked about abuse. he would turn it around and say 'you're abusing ME.'
and I'd ask 'how?'
'by accusing me of being abusive to you!'
and as for the cheating-not sure where I stand with that. I have a pretty good feeling that he more than likely cheated on me, but I'll never know for sure, and that drives me crazy. I'd love to have proof that he did. I know that a lot of the times that he was ignoring me, he was on the computer chatting with other women in his home country. he would sometimes leave his msn open, knowing that I can't speak Portuguese, but he was too dumb to know that I could translate it on google, which I did, and some of the things that he was talking about WERE on the sexual side...
and of course, in the end, he was accusing me of cheating...
1. pathological liars (i.e. lie & BS about EVERYTHING)
2. project all their sh*t ont o us (i.e. accuse us of what they do)
You can NOT trust ANYTHING they say.
And, you can NOT use them as a reliable reflection of who you are.
Once you get out and get into counseling, your whole life will change & you will start to feel better physically, emotionally & spiritually.
So glad you're going to your daughter's and not going back. Be sure and bring copies of all important papers w/you (i.e. financial statements, investments, property records, his pay records, you & your daughter's birth certificates, driver's license, medical records, personal identification, etc).
Big hugs to you!!
"The worst thing ever is to lie. It's worse than anything else."
"I can't stand a liar. I would never lie, it's just beneath me."
AD Nauseum.
If I had a $1 for every time he said that, and another for every time he lied, I probably could stop the court proceedings to get the rest of the money he owes me.
YES, it's just a bunch of bs. YES it's a tactic.
I finally learned, to assume EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING, he said was a lie. And that then, I'd be much closer to the truth.
H.M. just made me think of something.
My MOTHER used to say,
often, and with great solemnity. . . .
The worst thing you
could ever do
is LIE.
(She lied all the time.)
Very late in her life,
I was in her house and
she was leaning on
her walker. She
asked me. . . .
Ilene. . . . was I a good mother?
"Of course" ---- I lied.
The worst thing is that they believe their own lies, and when you are with them, EVEN if you know it's a lie, you have to live as if it's not. As if it's the truth.
I once told my ex that he dreams up all this stuff that is just crazy and then makes me live as if it was real. It's incredible. His new favorite one was, he didn't want the appeal of the financial decision to go all the way to the Supreme Court....that they chose our case, and he had nothing to do with it.
I'm said, well, you were sitting in court with me. I didn't see you saying HEY I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE....
Idiot. Like I am that stupid, or anyone is. I'm sure the Supreme court , with their 9 month waiting list to be heard, is going to pull up a case that hasn't filed a brief...
GEEZUS. I wish I could play a tape of him trying to convince me. It would be really good for a laugh.