I agree leaving is not the only answer, since we only hear one side of the story. For me it was the answer, but I know people who have made it threw and are happy now, it takes two to make a relationship. But if only one person is willing to work on it, then a seperation is needed. I'm not by all means saying to stay with an abuser, all relationships are different.

I think that if one person is hitting another person than at least separating or taking a long timeout is excellent. Leaving is sometimes the answer (often times). I have to say that most of the stories I read, even if they are one-sided, it is clear that someone has been physically hurt or emotionally traumatized, and some space between the two parties is usually for the best, so they can get their heads screwed on straight.

I used to be the eternal optomist, believing that love conquered all, hanging in there, giving second chances, and trying to fight the good fight. I found, however, that all my efforts to generate better understanding with the abuser were just temporary band aids because, like a progressive and chronic disease, the abuse eventualy reared it's ugly head again, this time with the abusers desire to TOP their last atrocious act with even something more diabolical and painful. I've been repremanded by judges for having been so stupid to have gone back to the abusive womam. The judge predicted I'd be back...and I was, now with dinner plate size bruises on my back from where I got walluped blind side by her frying pan (and the time before, it was 6 inch gashes to the arm from a butcher knife). When she came after me with a raised hammer, teeth gritted, and a wild-eyed look of "KILL!" in her eyes, that's when I got outa there for the last time and never went back. I lost all my possessions but it was better than losing my life.

I'v been in more than one abusive relationships and I know that once the other starts being abusive, he/she is likely to do it again and again. Counseling RARELY works or lasts. Yes, leaving is about the only thing you can do because it is a cycle that keeps repeating itself! Most abuse is not just a one time thing.

"just leave" Sometimes when someone is being abused that is the best advise a person can give, cause the abuser wont change, they will keep abusing. But in a way leaving is the cowards way out, but then its also the safest thing to do. Not all cases, should just leave be the solution. But in most leaving would be the best.
Some abusers need help, and most will never seek it till its too late.
My advise to anyone, is that if there is violence leave, that doesnt mean forever, that means get out of the abusive home, move in with friends or family, and make that person understand they need help. Help them seek help, and dont return till they do.

What im seeing is a trend. Most women leave the abusive male, and they move on. Right. But now there is another female with him, going through the abuse. It doesnt end with him. He will abuse and abuse and it wont stop. no matter if its with you or someone else. so leaving is just pushing him off on someone else and not correcting the problem. Victoms need help, so do abusers. but there is more help for the victom than there is help for the abuser...

Fonzie there are lot of options and depends on the level of abuse and if there are children. Any abuse that can be observed by children, should be a seperation, the couple should agree to a counsler and not date. Abusers can when the victim sets boundries, use the opposite sex as leverage or a tool. This is a rebound and never works and the victim should not bend boundries, especially if there are children. Both should agree to not expose the children to abuse or other people and when things have calmed take short periods to co-parent for the childrens sake.

If there is physical abuse the victim should demand the abuser have a medical professional clear them and wave HIPPA, a victim can not directly approach such a professional as it violates HIPPA AND could be conscrewed as harrassment, or stalking. Again some angry people will use any tool, to return to the original statem through retribution.

So the victim should play by the law and straight. The children should be brought into therapty as they will need it as well.

HIPPA cannot be superceded by anyone. That is why certified DV counselors exist who are sepcifically trained in DV. Hospice is not DV.

Indigo your anger blinds you to the point you cannot even read and comprehend simultanously. "If there is physical abuse the victim should demand the abuser have a medical professional clear them and wave HIPPA," clearly states for the victim to demand the abuser wave Hipp so as to see visual proof of treatment, its called signing a medical release form.

A part of abuse is control and constant violations of boundries and you are crossing lines evevery, which way in life. if you CHOSE top date a man who just seperated in December and after 3 short months, attempt to control him and his activities and hurt his children, thats your choice. But stalking me around threads and emailing is a line you will seize to cross again.

You have been in this forum for less than 45 days have attacked a member and essentially called him a drunk,admitted to provoking you ex during abuse, date a married men and now try to control him. Your choice, but you will not be stalking me, I will take action against you and swift. Your knowledge of the medical profession is laughable, if you knew anything you would know work one speciality does not eliminate being certfied, educated, or practice in the past or simulatanously. Do not email me again, you email has been and will be deleted.

My orginal point to this was to bring to the front how most people on this fourm is hurting in some sort of way. I don't fully accept that when somone comes on these forums and makes a blanketed statement that they are being abused as the full truth of the matter. That's why I try to suggest a range of options that they might want to try before taking a position on some bad advice and finding themself in a worst position than what they were in before they came here.


I truly feel that in todays world of 911 and all that most women/men know that when they need help of any kind that they can always reach out for it and I don't mean by coming to a fourm. Most that do come to fourms for support are looking to vent and learn about such things..... But most that are in the critical stage of abuse will actually seek actual help from those around them.

So again I see a ton of people offering advice without questions or hearing all the story and the advice that is offered is get out... I'm sorry I find that advice simply not realistic or acceptable for me or for a lot of others who have simply come here to vent or voice thier anger.


this is just my opinon tho...
I see those who actually try to offer true advice and give someone something to think about and then I see those who simply use their own pain and knowledge of the law/courts to in some way get a revenge for themselfs. Thus we end up with a lot and I mean alot of just "get out" " leave" ect ect ect.

I origianlly came to this site because of the name, Daily Strengh, not legal advise, not solutions, not answers, just strength from others that are hurting like i am. In my life, i have over-used my family and friend and cried wolf, until they pulled back enough there but not to listen anymore. So I found DS, here i can write what I think, how I feel and its a gage on how far I've come. If I look to others on this site for true advise, i would be kidding myself. Advise, better suited from my counselor. I will continue my writing and occasionally, respond to others needs and support that others may need. I will however not get one-on-one with anybody. Its just not smart.

Fonzie,


First abuse is multifacted, multilayered, so simple answers do not work. In the 1990s, powered by NOW and other interest groups DV was brought into the limelight, unfortnaetly with the focus on women only. The police were called and w/o question the man was hauled away, the opposite extreme from previous days. This took off like wildfire and became a trump for women seeking divorce and a locked in custody guareentee and quite few in actuality wanted dinvorced for other reasons such as infidelity.

Today police will often haul off both people of both have visible marks, b/c it is now acknoeledged that some people fight in different ways and some cross that line with BOTH being abusive. The same as S and M participants are not abused b/c the consent to the activity, many couples fight heated and sling words but do not consider it abusive. Its when the line is crossed that abuse occurs. But the law doesnot care of both inflict damage it is viewed as abusive on both sides. Neither party is a victim, but willing participant in a sequence that went out of hand.


True abuse victims are helpless, and live in real fear. They can men, women, children, elderly or animals. Many do not have true resources to get out, usually the abuse is a secret and they do not do anything to amke it worse. Such true victims need to first bring the abuse out into the open, such as in this forum. Next is to find a listener or support system and make a plan - if theire is danger. Also to seek to educate oneself on the cause of abuse and how to avoid inflaming it worse.There are centers, counslers, clinics, shelters, doctors, many avenues for help. The first step is exposure.

Unfortunately for men, this forum and the world, some people deruve a personal gain by playing the poor me victim card and use the forum as an avenue for attention and to vent their anger and insecurities. It cast a shadow on others a murks the clear vision as to what abuse really is.

Hi I am new to Daily Strength. I do not know what happened for others, but my ex-husband beat me up really bad one time. I ran out the door and to a neighbor's house and I called the police. I had a broken nose and blood was streaming all over my face and shirt. My face was bruised. The police took us both in and gave me no medical attention. My husband who did not have a scratch on him lied, and it was a "DA-reject". When we left the court my husband said to me, "You see what happens when you call the police--you will get arrested too." He continued his bause, and I still managed to call the police after he finished hurting me and went out with his buddies. Finally he was arrested after about 8 separate incidences and 7 hospital trips. I did live in fear and felt powerless, but I did not give up on doing the right thing, and now I am free.