I think sometimes we get trapped. Trapped due to fear. Fear of what the abuser might do, fear of being alone....any number of things. Is it our fault? No. Its the abuser's for brainwashing us and making us think we can't go on without them. It takes a lot of strength to walk away.

The thing is that we stay for as long as we can because when we marry its for life.While we stay they work on our sense of self worth.through the family and our children ,our friends.we get isolated in every way which makes us feel alone and helpless .It is a work in progress that they unleash on us over a long period of time which traumatizes us.We try to make it work because thats what you do in society.

Yes. I stayed because I married for life.

It nearly took mine, before I realized that wasn't the best use of my precious life.

The abuse was not my fault. It is NOT our fault.

We leave when we pull enough pieces together.

None of it is our fault. They brainwash us into believing that we are the reason why they abuse but it is not our problem it is theirs (they are the ones dishing out the abuse).

The hate and loathing they feel for themselves is projected onto us and we are the ones carrying around their sack of guilt which does not belong to us - it belongs to them.

I fall into the category with everyone who has posted here, and making us believe that it is our fault is part of how the abuser controls us. Being blamed for breaking up the marraige is a lot of why we stay - it was for me.

But is it our fault - that is not really the question. Anyone can argue that question any way and we will never get anywhere. Dwelling on this question, and realizing that staying for 22 years and exposing my daughter to his abuse as well is a guilt trip I have been on for the last 8-9 years and it has only taken a sever toll on my mental health. One thing that I have come to terms with is that there is an absolute truth about our past - and that is that we cannot change it. It is what it is, and we did what we did because we couldn't do anything different at the time. All we can do regarding that is try to process it to see how it impacts our present and our future.

We stay because the fear of leaving overwhelms the fear of staying. There is nothing inherently right or wrong with that - it simply is what it is. We can't beat ourselves up for that.

I stayed until i realised he was an emotional abuser,id left few times always went back because he severely mentally tortured me after leaving,convinced me i had overreacted to whatever hed done to make me leave,his false apologies and pain were too hard to resist,but i finally become educated to what hed been doing,his exwife stayed for 20 years forgave his physical abuse,
so yes i think letting him get away with mistreating her made it all the more harder for me,the idiot still hung around throughout our 8 year relationship hankering to get him back.
I think he hates the fact that i refused to become as submissive as she was. After 6 months away hes still trying to get me back, i think we all know the reason for this is that he didnt quite acheive his goal of fully controlling me.
So yes,maybe we are fuelling his abuse by allowing it to happen.

I stayed until i realised he was an emotional abuser,id left few times always went back because he severely mentally tortured me after leaving,convinced me i had overreacted to whatever hed done to make me leave,his false apologies and pain were too hard to resist,but i finally become educated to what hed been doing,his exwife stayed for 20 years forgave his physical abuse,
so yes i think letting him get away with mistreating her made it all the more harder for me,the idiot still hung around throughout our 8 year relationship hankering to get him back.
I think he hates the fact that i refused to become as submissive as she was. After 6 months away hes still trying to get me back, i think we all know the reason for this is that he didnt quite acheive his goal of fully controlling me.
So yes,maybe we are fuelling his abuse by allowing it to happen.

Meg, I really appreciate how you phrased your question... acknowledging that you know its the ABUSERS PROBLEM... meaning the abuse ITSELF is HIS to change, and that the abused partner doesn't DESERVE it, doesn't BRING IT ON. But I think that your question is VERY intelligent and responsible, so I will try to give you a response that it equally so.

So lets talk about "fault"... Fault is a word of blame, a negative connotation that implies that if someone can be BLAMED, then whomever is not found to be at fault is off the hook... after all, its not their fault, right?

But in this case, when a relationship is abusive... I don't think anyone should be let OFF THE HOOK. And here's why. In a relationship... a person is either a participant in the decision making (THEIR OWN decisions) OR they are a helpless victim. I don't think we do anyone any favors to view them as VICTIMS. Children who have no deciding voice... they are victims. People who are held hostage are victims. (Some might even say that the abuse holds them mentally and emotionally hostage... but the thing about true hostage situations is that the victim doesn't have the opportunity to even leave to gain a new perspective. If a person is able to interact with the world outside and mentally process that this abuse is happening, is wrong, and can communicate this with others, thats not a complete hostage situation, but I digress). So back to my point...

In a relationship, both people have a role. Sure one role might be domineering and APPEAR to negate the role of the other, but that is an illusion, and to call that illusion reality is to trap onesself. Meg, you acknowledge in your post that its a choice to stay, and that is wise to recognize and admit. It is a choice. Sometimes it FEELS like there is no other choice, and sometimes for a period of time there truly is no immediate alternative, but I'm not referring to people who are in the process of working out their escape plan. I'm talking about people who CHOOSE to stay, for whatever reason, seemingly indefinately. Is it their fault? I believe that fault becomes irrelevant. It is a persons responsibility to own their decisions. Now, aside from letting the non-faulted party off the hook, fault finding can only really serve a couple of other purposes-- all destructive! If I find myself to be at fault for something, I can use that 'its all my fault' notion to abuse myself, throw a huge pity party that thwarts my learning and growing... or... the other side of the fault finding coin is to come up with "its NOT my fault" and therefore resign to a mental mindset of victimization and denial of responsibility... equally destructive in that there is no impetus for taking control of changing something overwhich no personal responsibility has been found. Is it 'your' fault? Fault is irrelevant. But it is your responsibility... Fault is a disempowering word, whether it is applied to onesself as being at fault, or to someone else relieving oneself of fault. In either event is a representative of a thinking pattern that traps and holds a person in the negative aspects of what is happening in a situation.

When something bad happens, people sometimes want to hear or say "its not your fault" because this validates something for a person, reassures something. But if anyone is going to grow through and from a situation, I believe they must first take responsibility for the portion of the event which they played a part in. Indeed, a person can not take your power without your cooperation. (I'm talking universal you here... not you, meg) Should you sit around and sulk and feel sorry about 'how could i have been so naive/stupid/ignorant/etc' beating yerself up? Then the abuser doesn't even need to be there anymore. Its important to recognize the subtle ways that we abuse ourselves. I would suggest that those of us who fall into abusive relationships were already pretty good at SELF abusive thoughts before we ever met the abusers in our lives... and its part of what made it familiar, easy to overlook or difficult to detect. Fault is irrelevant.

That said, I think that there is something a little bit odd about the way that we can be so inclined to be perpetually shocked by behaviors that have been present for a long time, as if they have just begun, or as if we actually thought that 'last time will be the last time' If a person is going to stay, for whatever reason, he or she needs to take ownership for whatever their own portion of the dynamic is, and put no expectation on the other person ever being anything other than what experience has demonstrated should be expected. My husband is awful about remembering to take the trash to the curb. After 8 years together, if I still get myself worked up over the fact that most likely the trash is NOT out by the curb yet, then as far as I'm concerned, I'm a fool. (and sometimes I am... like last week, lol) I can choose to expect that there is a good chance that I will need to take the trash down, and while it may be a little irritating, I can also CHOOSE whether to get angry about it and either passive aggressively let the trash NOT get picked up, or rant at him when he gets home... or be thankful to God that I am an able bodied woman who can put her own damn boots on and schlep the trash to the curb myself. I know my husband. I know that unless its monday or saturday (the first and last days of his work week), he doesn't usually know for sure what day it is... and certainly not when he is half dead getting in his car at 5:45 to drive an hour to work. On the days that I choose to remember this, I ENJOY MYSELF MORE... on the days when I see his not taking out the trash as a 'you don't care about me' or 'you jerk' moment... those days I DON"T ENJOY MYSELF> Either way, he's at work for the rest of the day, and I'm the one who has chosen to set the tone for how I feel and how much of a deal I make something in my own mind. If the trash doesn't go out, it both of our faults, because its both of our responsibility. But if I let it ruin my day that the trash pick up just came and I didn't realize before hand that HE didn't take the trash down, so I didn't either... then THAT... THE RUINING OF MY DAY... that is NOT his fault... because I CAN CHOOSE a new perspective.... and its my responsibility to do just that if I want to enjoy my day.

Granted, trash is not the same issue as abuse. I know that. But I also know that I let myself get worked up about such things for waaaay too long. And yet, today... the trash is by the curb... he did it... and in those days when I got so worked up, I also didn't stop to pause on the days he DID do his part, and give thanks that I have a great man. And I do. Do you? maybe not. But you do have a choice to either leave, work on a viable plan for leaving, or take responsibility for the choice to stay and make the best of it by adapting the way you think about it. Learn to recognize thought patterns that have no positive way to play out. Fault is one of those.

NO, it's not your fault. NO it wasn't mine. The abuse sneaks up on us, and we are caught in an elaborate web. When we realize it we have to make our way out, and it's not always a straight path.

Ilene said it best....When we have enough pieces put together we leave.

Leave the guilt with them......

Meg, I was just thinking about that today!
Dr Phil says there are no victims, only volanteers.
This statement really upset me, until today I thought about my relationship and how it started with the abusive.
I went out one night, whilst we were still dating, on a hens night. He knew, but as soon as I got home, (not late or drunk)He told me it was over if I did not promise him I'd never go out without him again.
I did, because I didn't want to lose him, and from there on he did that with everything.
The times I did stand up for myself I copped the silent treatment for days on end.
I couldn't decide whether the pain of leaving him would be worse that what I was enduring. And then our children arrived and it got harder.
I'm out now. It's not easy, but I've got grass and concrete to walk on , not eggshells anymore, which feels great!
It's not due to any fault of us that they treat us like this, but I guess we are feeding their ego, if we stay.
Does that sound right?
Hugs! Julia xxx

I totally agree Illene. I am seeing where I was responsible in the relationship with my ex. What part I played and learning to forgive him and myself, let it go and learn from it. I didn't love myself. I abused myself for years, I felt unworthy of love. I used him in a way to try and fill that void in me but he couldn't or wouldn't fill that void, that's not his fault. I stayed and kept trying to get what I need only to get hurt over and over. I guess I really never loved him either so how can I be mad that he never really loved me? I used him as a crutch. I played out my past issues with him. being abandoned and or abused by my parents making me feel I didn't deserve any better so I get involved with someone who will make me feel that way too, thinking I will change it or fix it somehow. Pushing away the good ones who would actually love me for fear of being abandoned. My abuser is messed up and has issues too but so do I. I don't put all the blame on him. I was a willing victim. I kept trying to change him but all i can change I know now is myself. Work on my issues, my feeling of low self worth and then I will not be attracted to another guy who will treat me bad or stay with them for the wrong reasons. They may be the aggressor because I think most men are, not all but most in an abusive relationship, but I was just as part of the cycle of abuse as they were. If I can hate him for doing that to me, then he can hate me for allowing him to do it to me. He couldn't stop just as much as I couldn't stop coming back for more. Unless he is willing to see things clearly and get help and work on his issues, all I can do is work on my own issues and get better myself. YOu can't fix them, they have to fix themselves. If he's not willing, that's not your fault either.

In some ways I'm feeling that way lately. Guilty for staying for so long, for the main reason that we have a child together, guilty for being so weak, guilty for putting-up w/his emotional abuse for so long, for being his doormat. I'm SO ready to get-out, but right now I'm financially bound to live w/him for a while longer, I need to figure it all out, I'm a joke to him, he's out right now still from the night before. No phone call, nothing, when he comes home he will say NOTHING for where he's been, I won't ask, I usually don't anymore, he get's off on it. I'm so sad.

Yes and no.Bullies select thier pry. as liken in animal world where the weak are selected & bullied.
as adults we know are strength and weakness's and have the knowledge to work on our weakness thur therapy and with that knowledge we can go against our natural nature to surpress selecting the not right for us type of people - mate.

Bullies seem to intentionally select at least the slightly emotional enbalance to be thier mates.

I feel that marriage is where 1 is dominate and other some what passive.

Based on what I have seen.Most woman who stay with an abuser after 1st yr of marriage are in the marriage for 5 to 7 yrs. and by the 5th year will they have been isolated,finacial restricted and some males will block any resource of possible funds that wife maybe able to obtain etc...
( keep wife busy and know where she at by having her to have babys ).
the manipulation already starts befor the marriage and rears its ugly head by 3rd or 4th yr and it proceeds to get worst with each passing year.

No woman is the blame for an adult man mental health but lord knows he is trained to brack her and attempt to reprogram her to suit him thur the difrent stages in his life.

Woman who are in abuseive relationship obtain clouded minds and most are afraid to leave are they became accustom to thier lifestyle together and postpon leaveing or they as like my self was mental worn down to point we take on his role and abuse ourselves with his lies. I refer to that as a form of mental rape and we are unable to make sound judgement regarding our overall well being.
Again we are not accountable for our mates inner script and thier mental health are lack of mental health.

I know I lived thur 3 yrs where I was mentally unable to make sound calls regarding my over all well being let alone put together a plan package to leave.
Was that my fault for staying in such a relationship? absolutely not. that would be like going into physc facility and blameing a patient for thier lives and for them not being able to put together a detailed plan package.
even after we leave the kunckle dragging tie wareing walking talking hemrroid, we are still in brain fog for at least 2 yrs.
Unfortantly I can relate to woman who have been abused. and like clock work the next generation that will come to be abused.
Abuse comes in many forms and as children we where taught and as parents we teach.

Ladys stop bashing yourselves and doing his job for him. stop questioning yourself and your abilitys. Just afew things I use to remind my self to do.

I started a new med today so am not sure if the above info will be benifitual to you but know this you are not to blame for another person mentallity, thier lives, thier childhood nor anything that they have might have been thur nor thier behavior - it is absolutly not your fault nor your fault for staying until you have reached a place where you are able and ready to leave.

You are not alone and you are capable of building a support system and decorating your new place and maintain employment etc...
you are far stronger than you realize.

I built a life for myself within my family life when I was married.

Take care and be good to yourself for yourself and for us on DS.
XXX's

If 'you can leave' and don't...Actually means that you still 'can't' leave or you would?

Objectively..I could have left long before I did, but in reality..I could'nt..or obviously I would have..Hope kept me in it..and fear of starting again alone..and also financial issues..

Though still I could have left logically speaking..despite those factors..But then again..for a long time I just couldn't make that decision..

So basically I think that those who can't leave..can't..until they feel they truly feel that they can..

Lots of great responses. I don't think it is ever the abused person's fault. We do the best we can at the time with what we have to deal with. The abusers WANT us to think we deserve it and that it's our fault so they can continue their control over us. It gives them power and reinforces that what they are doing is ok (in their mind).

You don't ever deserve it. No one does. The brainwashing starts slowly and early on to where you don't notice it. Overtime it seems normal and that we even deserve it.

Once you recognize what's going on and that it isn't your fault, it's best to get away as soon as you can. BUT, it is NEVER your fault.

Hugs!