Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I posted my situation in the advice part several months ago...my perspective is only slightly different now, but I think I've explained things a bit clearer. So here it is...
In summary, this is a long distance relationship that has gone on for a little over 2 and a half years. We have talked on the phone and by webcam, exchanged lots and lots of pictures, etc. His friends and family know about me and vice versa. We have not yet met. He has given me an ultimatum to buy a plane ticket over the phone with him listening or that he would stop talking to me completely. It was due today but I managed to get off the phone with him so it's due tomorrow morning. I have become almost avoidant of him...I ignore some calls and texts, but I always get back to him. I feel nervous and anxious and my chest tightens and sometimes I hyperventilate when he contacts me. I feel extremely stressed out and just want to shut it out. I just talked to him on the phone a few hours ago.
My question is: is there any way to fix this? This whole situation.
A little more explanation...
Q. Why haven't we met?
A. I haven't gone there. It is entirely up to me to do this or to buy his ticket to come here and get me and bring me back there. I haven't done it yet because I'm somewhat scared and somewhat hoping he will change. It seems like he won't though.
Q. Does he treat you well?
A. He can be nice to me, but most of the time he puts me down. A lot. As in every conversation nearly... There is also a long history of calling me names and yelling at me over the phone, listing my faults, etc. He can make me cry easily. He has called me every name that exists practically, and justifies it by saying that I "know how to push his buttons" or that it's just because I'm not there with him and said I would be, but this behavior existed before I said I would go. He used to call me fat ("piggy", "chubster", "stomach looks like cinnamon rolls", "nice double chin" etc.) and would immediately inform me of any attractive female and how much prettier they were than me...but he has stopped the part about calling me fat and has not done it for some time. He used to keep me up until late at night (via guilt or threatening to ignore me or cheat on me further)...as in 4,5,6 am late..even when I had homework to do or a test to study for. He had me do some of his math homework (online and by e-mail). It was seen as me "helping" him, and if I didn't, I wasn't "helping" him when he needed help...even if he played video games while I did his work and mine.
Q. Why did he give you and ultimatum?
A. I've continually said I would go and not done it. He's been angry and upset at me for this, for saying I'll do something and not doing it. This is very understandable, I think.
Q. Why did you tell him you'd go and then not go?
A. My official answer was finishing up my college degree here, but in reality I don't think I can deal with his other relationship and the person he is involved in, or with leaving my family. Past a certain point, I was in trouble with him for still being in college (he told me many times to quit) and not having finished even though he made it so hard to finish...I was always exhausted from not getting to sleep...always had so much to do...
Q. Other relationship?
A. Yes, he has another relationship...I was duped into it at the beginning (he lied and said he was single) but told me it was over as his "other person" ran away for a while, then decided to come back...they worked things out and I found out about it all over again. I kept thinking he would choose me, so I stayed (like an idiot). I've endured a lot of pain over this. He says it won't ever change and that I need to accept it. He is bisexual and uses it as an excuse to have a relationship with this other person (who is a male).
Q. What other pain?
A. There are too many things to recount. My birthday time with him was crashed by this other person. They told me that they hope I get HIV. They call me every name in the book. He told me he was leaving them, then took them to Vegas for their birthday. I tried to get along with them for a long time (at his request) but they always turned out to use me or try to get him to break up with me, or me to break up with him. He now has a gay friend as well, who wants to date him and is starting to do similar behavior towards me. He and this gay friend tell each other that they love each other.
Q. Why haven't you left?
A. There are cycles of him being nice to me, and reachable, and like he was in the very beginning before anything got bad. It always reverts, but he always tells me how it's my fault. I sort of believe him. Even though he treated me bad before I started saying I would go there, I still feel like it is my fault. I feel like if I were better, he would leave the other person and treat me better. I also feel that while he's cheating on me (and several people have told me this) that it's at a distance so I shouldn't get mad because I'm not there. I feel very guilty and I feel that I should stay. I don't think anyone else could love me. I have learned to expect the treatment I get from him.
Q. Anything else you need to add?
A. He has naked pictures of me. About two years ago he said he would break up with me if I didn't give him pictures. I did not include my face, but I do feel very bad for having done this...ruined really. He kept asking me how much I weigh when I said I was trying to diet and had gained some weight. I told him and he made fun of me. He used to hang up on me when his other person would come over. One time he missed the button and I ended up overhearing them flirt and talk about sex before I realized who he was really talking to (sounds like a family member of his).
In summary, this is a long distance relationship that has gone on for a little over 2 and a half years. We have talked on the phone and by webcam, exchanged lots and lots of pictures, etc. His friends and family know about me and vice versa. We have not yet met. He has given me an ultimatum to buy a plane ticket over the phone with him listening or that he would stop talking to me completely. It was due today but I managed to get off the phone with him so it's due tomorrow morning. I have become almost avoidant of him...I ignore some calls and texts, but I always get back to him. I feel nervous and anxious and my chest tightens and sometimes I hyperventilate when he contacts me. I feel extremely stressed out and just want to shut it out. I just talked to him on the phone a few hours ago.
My question is: is there any way to fix this? This whole situation.
A little more explanation...
Q. Why haven't we met?
A. I haven't gone there. It is entirely up to me to do this or to buy his ticket to come here and get me and bring me back there. I haven't done it yet because I'm somewhat scared and somewhat hoping he will change. It seems like he won't though.
Q. Does he treat you well?
A. He can be nice to me, but most of the time he puts me down. A lot. As in every conversation nearly... There is also a long history of calling me names and yelling at me over the phone, listing my faults, etc. He can make me cry easily. He has called me every name that exists practically, and justifies it by saying that I "know how to push his buttons" or that it's just because I'm not there with him and said I would be, but this behavior existed before I said I would go. He used to call me fat ("piggy", "chubster", "stomach looks like cinnamon rolls", "nice double chin" etc.) and would immediately inform me of any attractive female and how much prettier they were than me...but he has stopped the part about calling me fat and has not done it for some time. He used to keep me up until late at night (via guilt or threatening to ignore me or cheat on me further)...as in 4,5,6 am late..even when I had homework to do or a test to study for. He had me do some of his math homework (online and by e-mail). It was seen as me "helping" him, and if I didn't, I wasn't "helping" him when he needed help...even if he played video games while I did his work and mine.
Q. Why did he give you and ultimatum?
A. I've continually said I would go and not done it. He's been angry and upset at me for this, for saying I'll do something and not doing it. This is very understandable, I think.
Q. Why did you tell him you'd go and then not go?
A. My official answer was finishing up my college degree here, but in reality I don't think I can deal with his other relationship and the person he is involved in, or with leaving my family. Past a certain point, I was in trouble with him for still being in college (he told me many times to quit) and not having finished even though he made it so hard to finish...I was always exhausted from not getting to sleep...always had so much to do...
Q. Other relationship?
A. Yes, he has another relationship...I was duped into it at the beginning (he lied and said he was single) but told me it was over as his "other person" ran away for a while, then decided to come back...they worked things out and I found out about it all over again. I kept thinking he would choose me, so I stayed (like an idiot). I've endured a lot of pain over this. He says it won't ever change and that I need to accept it. He is bisexual and uses it as an excuse to have a relationship with this other person (who is a male).
Q. What other pain?
A. There are too many things to recount. My birthday time with him was crashed by this other person. They told me that they hope I get HIV. They call me every name in the book. He told me he was leaving them, then took them to Vegas for their birthday. I tried to get along with them for a long time (at his request) but they always turned out to use me or try to get him to break up with me, or me to break up with him. He now has a gay friend as well, who wants to date him and is starting to do similar behavior towards me. He and this gay friend tell each other that they love each other.
Q. Why haven't you left?
A. There are cycles of him being nice to me, and reachable, and like he was in the very beginning before anything got bad. It always reverts, but he always tells me how it's my fault. I sort of believe him. Even though he treated me bad before I started saying I would go there, I still feel like it is my fault. I feel like if I were better, he would leave the other person and treat me better. I also feel that while he's cheating on me (and several people have told me this) that it's at a distance so I shouldn't get mad because I'm not there. I feel very guilty and I feel that I should stay. I don't think anyone else could love me. I have learned to expect the treatment I get from him.
Q. Anything else you need to add?
A. He has naked pictures of me. About two years ago he said he would break up with me if I didn't give him pictures. I did not include my face, but I do feel very bad for having done this...ruined really. He kept asking me how much I weigh when I said I was trying to diet and had gained some weight. I told him and he made fun of me. He used to hang up on me when his other person would come over. One time he missed the button and I ended up overhearing them flirt and talk about sex before I realized who he was really talking to (sounds like a family member of his).
Your life is fixable if you leave
this horrific scenario behind.
Tamehau wrote and I'll second what she wrote.
All of the things that you've described are ABUSE.
Break off ALL CONTACT.
If you think life in relationship with this person
has been bad so far,
it's NOTHING compared to how horrible
your life will be
if you continue forward, together with this abuser.
NO CONTACT
NO CONTACT
NO CONTACT
It may seem difficult for awhile in the short term.
In the long term, you'll be so much happier.
And after you break it off with him,.
find yourself a therapist who specializes
in recovery from abuse and trauma
so that you don't wander into
another abusive relationship.
He was able to manipulate you.
You need to understand why that was so
and how to insure that no one else can
ever manipulate you again, going forward.
I hope you'll take very good care of yourself.
Instead of the plane ticket (DON'T BUY IT!!!), invest in a change of phone number and email address. DO NOT CONTACT HIM AGAIN.
He has preyed on your kindness. No more.
Ultimatums in relationships NEVER work. He is sure he can get what he wants by saying he'll stop all contact if you don't do what he says. It doesn't matter that you didn't do what he wanted in the past; you don't owe him ANYTHING. Do not be nice to him anymore.
This is very, very, very unhealthy. Be glad it's long distance - it will be easier, much easier, to go no contact.
Please. And do get counseling for recovery from this asshole.
there are abusers who don't really know what they are doing, and there are really terrible people, manipulative, feeding on hurt, and almost evil in a way.
this sounds so much like your abuser.
I get a really bad feeling about this guy.
I feel like you are so wrapped up in any bit of attention that you get from him, and he knows this.
I'm worried that you'll read all of our replies, shrug your shoulders, and stay with him.
If I could shake you, I would.
this man is destroying you.
and laughing while he does it.
you have to get away from him.
have to
have to
have to.
I really would go in, change everything (all your phone numbers, email, etc) all in one swoop, and just go no contact EVER AGAIN.
and go get some counseling ASAP!!!!!
As others have said, cut off all contact with this thorougly nasty man and don't even consider meeting him.
Good luck.
If this was a soup, there would be less than 10% of it that would he palatable and drinking it would make you ill and nauseated from the unsavory mix.
Take some time to dismantle any bridge he has to you and to let all your desired contacts know that in order to protect yourself you've had to change all your numbers and your email.
You can quickly set up a gmail account. Make sure that it would be hard for him to find it. You might want to think of a user name which supports your strength to correct course and resist abuse.
Rather than waste your time or mine, my gosh, there were more red flags than I have ever seen.
Him putting you down, calling you chubby, making rude comments about a double chin, him giving you ultimatums, etc. on and on and on!
What, praytell is wrong with you, that you would even consider continuing a relationship with this rude, narcissistic, and abusive guy?????
I couldn't even finish reading your post because there were so very many issues to deal with, which simply suggest to me:
Why in the hell would you be attracted to maintaining a relationship with this moron,who also appears to have others in his life?
Please consider reading up on co-depencency by Melody Beattie, and ask yourself if this all seems familiar based on your family of origin, and you past experiences.
this whole relationship, if you can call it that, is headed for a huge trainwreck,and has been headed from the start! Please back off, and take care of yourself. You seem to accept his abusiveness, like I would order lunch. NOt good, not healthy, get yourself a life with someone in person, whom you could even have a chance with for a healthy relationship.
Dr. Phil always said, you teach people how to treat you! And you have taught this guy, that you will continue dealing with him, as unhealthy as he is, no matter which boundaries he surpasses,no matter how disrespectful he is,no matter how controlling he is!
Is this even someone I would consider as a friend? Absolutely not!
PLease think about what is drawing you to this guy?
Is it your vulnerabilities, your weakness, your need for love and approval?
I really think you could do much better! Sorry, but I couldn't even finish reading your post, let alone read the responses.
Wake up call!!!!! Try something different! Try some reading and some counselling, cuz this guy already has given you heartache, and you are still trying to figure him out? Why the hell bother????
Hugs to you hon...
Maya Angelou