Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hello I would appreciate some opinions to know if I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. I have been married just over four years. We have two children together and two I had prior to meeting him. Throughout most of our time together I have felt unwanted, unloved, unattractive and like I am the worst person. Now I'll be honest I have struggled with extremely low self esteem my whole life, that is why I don't know if it's just me or if he is indeed emotionally abusive. He has cheated on me many times, he screams at me and the kids for the smallest things even down to talking to him at the wrong times. He is so mean if the house is not in the condition he wants it. He does not like to go anywhere with me and the kids. In fact we have only went out one time as a family our entire relationship. He won't discuss things with me and tells me I'm stupid or annoying. He yells at me if I wanna talk about something he did that I don't agree with ( such as yelling at the kids or saying mean things to me). He tells me it's mine and the kids fault he is upset if we would " just do the right thing" he wouldn't be mean, but on the flip side he tells me he loves me and won't give me a divorce. He says he is working on himself and if I would just help he will be better. He kisses me all the time and says I'm beautiful if I ask. He says I'm the love of his life so I am confused. I have never been married or even in a committed relationship before so I don't know if this is normal when maybe you're annoyed at your spouse. Any advice or opinions would help. Please don't bash me.
I didn't have to finish reading to know that, if nothing else, this is a HORRIBLE environment for children as well as adults. Children learn what they live and live what they learn. So they will grow up thinking its NORMAL to be screamed at and put down. That means they will grow up to think being an abuser and being abused is ok. That is how the cycle of abuse is carried on from generation to generation. Please go to your local women's shelter and ask them for help.
There is NOTHING you can do to help him. HE is the ONLY one who can work on himself. Also, you do NOT need him to 'give' you a divorce. You can ask the people at the shelter to refer you to an attorney who can help you obtain a divorce. Depending on your state's (or country's) laws, you may be able to get a divorce based on mental cruelty or something similar, but you certainly do not need his 'permission' or willingness.
Please do NOT tell him you're talking w/people at the shelter or an attorney. That will probably only make things worse for you and the kids and it might cause him to escalate. It's best not to take that chance. You can ask them to help you create a SAFE plan to leave. It's CRITICAL that you do NOT mention leaving. Do NOT share any information w/him. He will only use it against you.
Also, ask the shelter for referral to a trauma recovery therapist (one for you and child therapist for your kids). You both need one who is trained in trauma recovery modalities and who understands the dynamics and affects of abuse. Many therapists don't have a clue and that only harms their clients as they tend to try and push couple where one is an abuser together. A good therapist will also help you see things more clearly.
Do NOT go to couples counseling!!! It doesn't work with an abuser. IF he is serious about 'working' on himself, he will get his own therapist ON HIS OWN. It's NOT your responsibility to fix or help fix him!!!!! ONLY HE CAN DO THAT. Chances of him changing for the better are slim to none. Abusers rarely change in a positive way. They usually only get worse.
If you're wondering if what he is doing is abusive, get the book The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. It explains many types of abuse, both overt and covert. Its a real eye opener.
Please take very good care of yourself!
~healing hugs~
Thank you for your advice. I have asked him to get counseling and he refuses he says he doesn't need it. Most of the time he doesn't think he did anything wrong so my hope of him changing is so small now. We moved to a new state and I have no family or friends near me and I of course don't tell anyone what I am going through because I don't want them to judge me. Everyone thinks our marriage is perfect. Also I'm so scared to leave because he is the sole provider and everything is in his name.
before work and
will write more
in a few hours.
For now, please read
and reread MTC's
totally insightful response.
Hugs and wishes for
better days.
I understand not telling anyone. There are valid reasons for that. Part is due to our faulty thinking (caused by repeated abuse) that tells us that no one will believe us, that we can't afford to be on our own, that no one will ever love us and/or we will fail, etc. That is what the abuser wants us to think.
This is a link to a thread I posted a while back. It has lots of links that may be of help to you.
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/physical-emotional-abuse/discussion/are-you-wishing-or-thinking-about-leaving
Nothing about what you've
shared with us is "normal"
in a happy, healthy marriage.
It IS normal in an abusive
marriage.
Everything you've written
about is textbook in in an
abusive relationship.
Here's a suggestion:
Back a long time ago
I wasn't sure what was
going on in my (then)
marriage. To help me
understand better, I
began writing down
what was bothering
me. I didn't do this
on a page or the
computer. I wrote
these things down
on index cards.
Doing that helped
clarify the situation
for me.
That exercise is here
on the board. I'll
bump it for you, after
I finish this.
I suggest you give it
a try. If you do, make
sure to keep the cards
you write out TOTALLY
PRIVATE.
Sending you good
thoughts and wishes
for a better future.