This does not surprise me at all, understanding how an abuser works. You're crying? What an inconvenience for him! He might be expected to take care of something you need, whether it be comforting, or accepting responsibility for something, or doing something to make you feel better. That would be totally maddening for an abuser. Yes-it probably did just happen, I don't doubt it.

Oh, don't be surprised if he acts like he was mad about something else too, but you were too selfish with your crying to think he might have been upset about something not related to you-what a great crazymaking opportunity-he's probably thinking up something right now.

No matter what is was he's a selfish jerk!

Yep. Any sign of weakness makes mine go into a full blown tantrum also. I agree with can't, it's selfish, disrespectful and not what you deserve. Secondly, he's an a$$ who doesn't want the responsibility of taking care of your needs. You're not supposed to have those, don't you know? Only he can do that. Ugh...these people astound me!

Being angry at a victim
for crying, or being sick,
or needing or not being
available as "supply,"
is all fundamental
within "The
Abuser's Playbook."

In a way that's even
more fundamental
than that. . . . .

invalidating a victim's
emotions is the
BEDROCK
of emotional abuse.

Think about it.
It's the NAME
of the kind of
abuse that's
going on.

When a victim has
an emotion that an
abuser doesn't agree
with for whatever reason
(and ALL of a victim's
emotions are an
anathema to an abuser),
the abuser will almost
inevitably invalidate
the victim's emotion.

That emotion could
be happiness. . . .
because how DARE
a victim be happy!

It could be needing
something, because
how DARE a victim
have or, worse yet,
EXPRESS. . . a need.

It could be sadness. . .
because what right does
a victim have to feel or,
worse yet, express sadness?

Any and all emotions
held or (even worse)
expressed by a victim
are held to be
UNHOLY
by the abuser.

My mother seeing me cry
would say, (and I know
she was not alone in this
expression):

Stop crying or I'll slap
you and THEN you'll
have something to
cry about.

==================================

[Yes. . . . . he was
FURIOUS
that you were crying.

That's a TEXTBOOK
abuser-reaction.]


Last of all, here's a
final (related) observation:

It is very common for an
abuser to say to a victim
(in a critical, accusatory
fashion):

"You're just being emotional."

(as if being emotional
was a weakness,
something to be
intensely ashamed of).


That's the abuser's attempt
to separate their victim from
another one of the
victim's inner resources.

Emotions are an inner RESOURCE.
They're a survival mechanism
which evolved to enable an individual
to be safe, to survive and to enjoy
their existence. Emotions are
an inner RESOURCE. . .
NOT a weakness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Accept your emotions.
Respect your emotions.
Honor your emotions.
Celebrate your emotions.
PROTECT your emotions.

In general, they're there
for your benefit. . . . and
that's what the abuser
HATES.

When I would cry my ex would ignore me. Never come say "What is wrong?", try to comfort me, or tell me it will be OK. Its not love its abuse. They are incapable of loving they way a mentally stable man would love. I am thinking of how I see other men I know with their wives and comparing them with my ex and there is no comparison. The only time he ACTS LIKE HE CARES is when he is hoovering to get me back. It sounds like most abusers are the same in this aspect. I saw a video that said Psychopaths have no empathy. Oh it said they also never have cats. Does yours have a cat? I"m just curious, mine hates cats and used to squirt mine with the hose. Cats are independent.

My ex gets very angry when I get upset or cry. He says everything that has happened to us is all my fault and he is the one who should be upset. He readily admits, "It pisses me off when you act all sad".

@Ilene "Stop crying or I'll slap you and THEN you'll have something to cry about." Omfg THIS! That was one of Dad's favorite sayings.If I weren't in a good place right now, just sing those words could've set me off.

I ditto what's been said above me. By crying, he had a responsibility to show humanity. That puts something directly on him. How dare you? But he won't see it that way. You're begging for attention (still not sure why this is supposed to be bad) or needy (again, why's that bad?) or if he's got really good defense mechanisms, he'll find something wrong to blame you for and push the crying entirely out of his mind. Classic abuser. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this! *hugs*

In the beginning, my ex was awkward and silent around me when I was down or crying. Eventually it became him getting upset, angry, even punching holes in a door. Toward the very end, he'd laugh when I cried during an argument, say I wasn't "mentally tough enough" and over emotional. Uhhhhh, hello dude, you're over there overreacting.

If the focus isn't on him, it's on what you're doing wrong. Even if you aren't doing anything wrong.

Awww tangelo,

This is classic abusive behavior. I cant stand people who dont know how to comfort someone who is crying. Apparently they never learned that in their life. There is a member on here who states they are always "teaching" their spouse how to act.
Tang, cry away and make him learn how to deal with it. Sometimes I get so called "depressed" and my spouse says oh snap out of it. i always make a joke of it and say oh my heaven forbid you have feelings or have to express emotion. I get a good laugh out of it b/c it is so ridiculous.
Dont let him control your emotions, only you can do that.

Hugs,

Amexdm

Crisis solved, he explained to me this morning he was mad about something I said and for some reason when he saw me crying decided that was the perfect time to throw a mini tantrum about it without discussing it and then walk out because thats what normal people do all the time. I totally understand now.

Also the thing I said was that I thought he used a Sonic toothbrush and he doesnt. I just keep bringing it up. So you can see why he would be angry. I dont remember ever talking about it before now or a situation in which I would even need to bring it up but whatever.

Also I mean you walk in, see your wife crying and decide to throw a fit because she got your toothbrush preference wrong? Doesnt that still make you an a-hole?

LOL! It hurts but you have to admit, its funny!

We are emotionally distant enough right now that it doesnt bother me much, but its nice to have someone to talk to about it for a reality check.

I know my relationship is not as abusive as some others, but its definitely emotional abuse.

Cant: I had written this already, then I read your second post and I laughed so hard. Are you a psychic?

Ilene: Just wow. Thank you. I need to hear that. Thank you very much.

Radrm: I never understood how my husband could hurt me without doing anything at all. Then I realized its a conscious rejection of your pain, and it hurts very much. Yes, he hates cats!

Shannon: I think your ex just tested positive on the d-bag litmus test!

Sweet, Mixed berries, Bottled, Amex: I cant think of anything brilliant to say other than I agree with you and thanks.

"I know my relationship is not as abusive as some others, but its definitely emotional abuse. "


Tangelo, your relationship is ABUSIVE. There are no degrees of abuse. Abuse is abuse is abuse. Your description of his reasoning for what happened is CLASSIC ABUSE. Please do not downplay what he is doing to you.

Even the phrase "crisis solved" is how we are 'taught' by an abuser to see things. It's no long a crisis but it was and always will be when it comes to an abuser. They CREATE CRISIS IN ORDER TO ABUSE.

What he did is NOT what normal people do, it's what abusers do.

The reason you don't remember is because he is gaslighting you. (i.e. it never happened but he's doing his damnedest to convince you it did.)

Ask him. You will never know for sure unless you ask him what had him so upset. Hugs GB

I should have mentioned in my second post that I am being sarcastic.

I read over it again and realize I never made that clear, my apologies.

I knew he was BSing me. I dont believe it for a second. I might have at one time, but not now.

GB: I know why he was mad now because of how he tried to cover it up. If I asked him, he would never say it out loud.

MyTrueColors: Thank you. I sometimes read things that other people have been through and Im really glad I didnt go through that. But I have to remember that it doesnt make it okay what he does, just because somebody went through something worse.

Toothbrush preference is a serious matter and should always be placed higher on the importance scale when faced with a crying spouse. How could you not know this?

I'm shaking my head at this guy right now.

Tangelo, 15 years with an abuser, then the abuse continued after the divorce for another 6 years because I didn't go No Contact. I know abusers and I know abuse when I see it.

I just wanted to reiterate what MTC said about minimizing his abuse. There is no "worse," there are not degrees. Your husband, like many other abusers, is the king of crazy making, do you appreciate how damaging that is? Stop and think about it for a moment, someone making you question your own reality, not trust your own perceptions, discard your own emotional responses. How can one function well, at their potential, or thrive, without these abilities-the ability to trust your own feelings and thought processes? Do you realize what an assault this is on your autonomy, trust of self and others is fundamental to navigating interpersonal and intrapersonal experiences. This is HORRIBLE, DESPICABLE, INEXCUSABLE abuse which is every bit as bad as name calling, or hitting, or isolating, or any other form of abuse-it's simply your abuser's preferred tactic. And I am sure it's not the only one in his arsenal. And you don't deserve ANY of it, anymore than anyone else does.