Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi everyone, I would appreciate your take on this...
Last nite my H tells me how he is hurt and frustrated by the lack of intimacy in our M. By intimacy he means trust, emotional connection, talking etc. Tells me how I don't support him, don't care etc.
He says it is 3 weeks since our last blowup and still I am doing nothing toward having this intimacy with him.
I try to explain that there are issues in our M that make it difficult for me to be close to him and I can't just turn it on in 3 weeks. Those issues are the fights, verbal bullying, the fact that during those 3 weeks he yelled at our 9 year old son and then intimidated him into apologizing and was insulting towards our daughter.
He tells me he is sick of hearing my excuses...
He tells me I have got it all wrong and I don't understand relationships...
He says that the fights are just symptoms of the lack of intimacy and so of course we are going to have blowups
From my perspective, the blowups make it hard for me to trust him
He won't come with me and talk it through with a counsellor
He seems to think that his way of seeing it is the only way. I said that perhaps we could look at ways of developing intimacy. He says that's ridiculous, you don't 'develop' intimacy or find ways of making it happen, it just exists and you either have it or you don't...
Well, I don't and I simply don't trust him enough to...
..
So I am feeling like I need to leave. He is unhappy with the level of closeness and intimacy on our marriage and I can't make myself trust him. I can't give him what he wants So, the fights will continue.. We are all unhappy, the kids hate the blowups as much as I do..it seems unfair to everyone....
Last nite my H tells me how he is hurt and frustrated by the lack of intimacy in our M. By intimacy he means trust, emotional connection, talking etc. Tells me how I don't support him, don't care etc.
He says it is 3 weeks since our last blowup and still I am doing nothing toward having this intimacy with him.
I try to explain that there are issues in our M that make it difficult for me to be close to him and I can't just turn it on in 3 weeks. Those issues are the fights, verbal bullying, the fact that during those 3 weeks he yelled at our 9 year old son and then intimidated him into apologizing and was insulting towards our daughter.
He tells me he is sick of hearing my excuses...
He tells me I have got it all wrong and I don't understand relationships...
He says that the fights are just symptoms of the lack of intimacy and so of course we are going to have blowups
From my perspective, the blowups make it hard for me to trust him
He won't come with me and talk it through with a counsellor
He seems to think that his way of seeing it is the only way. I said that perhaps we could look at ways of developing intimacy. He says that's ridiculous, you don't 'develop' intimacy or find ways of making it happen, it just exists and you either have it or you don't...
Well, I don't and I simply don't trust him enough to...
..
So I am feeling like I need to leave. He is unhappy with the level of closeness and intimacy on our marriage and I can't make myself trust him. I can't give him what he wants So, the fights will continue.. We are all unhappy, the kids hate the blowups as much as I do..it seems unfair to everyone....
GO WITH YOUR GUT.
You're dealing with an abuser.
Trying to talk it out does no good.
Seeing a couple counselor does no good.
Abusers don't get to an "understanding"
of something, no matter how much
you try to explain.
Your kids are soaking up the abuse
and will live out similar scenarios
in their own adult lives, either as
abusers or victims.
If everyone is unhappy
and you feel like you need to leave .. . . . . .
go with your gut. Abusers only
change for the worse.
Bingo! He's not willing to negotiate because negotiation is about compromise. For him, he is right and you are wrong. That is NOT love and respect.
I doubt that any form of couple counselling would help the situation. In fact it's my guess that it could exacerbate things further.
I agree with Ilene. Go with your gut and leave this man as soon as soon as possible. He's damaging not only you, but your children, and this isn't going to change as long as you're with him.
Take care.
He knows he's losing you. He doesn't want to lose his victiim. they HATE losing their victim. What he wants is to get you to trust him, to tell him your deepest secrets....so he has some more ammunition to abuse you with.
My ex played that game too. Everything I ever told him, every hurt I confided to him. every dream I shared with him, he turned and used it to hurt me, to manipulate me.
Intimacy, true intimacy, is an outgrowth of love and trust. It's not something you can create outside of love. And I would be hard pressed to call his behavior in any way loving. It's controlling and abusive, to the end of power and control and that's all it is.
Loving? he doesn't know how to spell the word.
Like Ilene said, GO WITH YOUR GUT.
Big hugs....
Why does he do it?
Because he can.
So of course he won't accept any solution where he won't get that powerful sensataion of power and control!
Power and Control is like a drug. He is addicted to that feeling. Anything that gets in the way of having that feeling is not an option for him. So, he will turn it around on you ... because you are not letting him have that surging feeling he gets when he has Power and Control.
Love doesn't fit in this addiction at all!
are you married to my husband?
(you can keep him if you are!).
mine says pretty much the same thing;
things would just be better if I loved him.
if I showed him love, we wouldn't have these 'fights'.
but the 'fights' are what made me fall out of love.
he tells me that I have to trust him.
but how can I trust him when he shows me time and time again that I can't trust him.
then he gets mad because I don't trust him.
WE WILL NEVER WIN, NO MATTER WHAT WE DO.
it's all just crazymaking!!!!!
This is me all the way! One nice word or hug or whatever.... everything is ok again...
You know how you feel.
You know you and your children are supposed to be treated with respect.
You know you and your children are supposed to be loved.
You know you and your children deserve to be happy.
He will NOT change.
The longer you stay the more it will affect your kids.
When I saw my 11 year old treating his 8 year old brother like my husband treated me and then saw the 8 year hardly react so as not to upset him (like I did) I knew it was time to get out.
Yes it's hard, yes the kids miss their dad, but all 3 of us are happier and more relaxed.
Why wait another week, month or year?
Staying is not worth it. You are worth everything and so are your kids.
Life doesn't have to be lived with an abuser. So trust your gut and get out now.
They haven't a clue as to what intimacy is, or real love for that matter. He just knows saying these things will have a certain effect on you.
If he said that he needs sex from you, he would have a more difficult time convincing you to comply. So they work your psyche, your emotions...use the 'trying to work on the marriage' angle. If you don't comply, you are one with the problem because he's explained, he's the one whose trying. It's all BS, possum.
Abusers will do whatever it takes to get what they want, and to be in control. That includes making us completely miserable.
I do wish you the peace and happiness that you truly deserve.