Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
How does one stay sane with dysfunction all around them. I'm seriously starting to think its me.
Last night I told my son who is staying with me with his wife and daughter that he needs to work on getting his license so I can stop driving him all over the place. He lost it five years ago to a dwi. I've been driving him to work and back most days for these five years. I also took care of my granddaughter full time. I am exhausted from all this. Add an addict to the mix and the Ex bf and I'm overwhelmed.
Well last night a war erupted on my house. His wife said she can't take him to motor vehicle to get the form he needs because she has beach plans. So I say well she needs to make this a priority. I'm tired and don't want to do this anymore. I've been asking for six months. He went crazy on me. Called me horrible names and told me he wanted to punch me in the face. My dil says go whore yourself out to pay your bills. I pay them just fine. They were the ones who needed a place to live. Thought it would be beneficial to us both. They both verbally attacked me for setting a boundary for myself. I said no more enabling.
Today he emailed me about 10 times from work telling me all the things he feels about me. Honestly I've done everything for my sons. I sacrificed to give them all I never had.
He twisted and blamed me and took the focus off himself and they both put it on me. I lost it and told them to get out. So I'm starting to see that I seem to be attracting chaos in my life. I keep exchanging one for another. This shocks me. We were so close.
He mocked me for staying in my room watching tv. Said I needed better meds since I never leave my room. Which isn't true because I'm out with friends for dinner or drinks every other night. I've been trying to be considerate and give them space as a family and stayed upstairs.
I don't seem to be doing anything right anymore. I'm starting to think its me. I must be the crazy one.
Last night I told my son who is staying with me with his wife and daughter that he needs to work on getting his license so I can stop driving him all over the place. He lost it five years ago to a dwi. I've been driving him to work and back most days for these five years. I also took care of my granddaughter full time. I am exhausted from all this. Add an addict to the mix and the Ex bf and I'm overwhelmed.
Well last night a war erupted on my house. His wife said she can't take him to motor vehicle to get the form he needs because she has beach plans. So I say well she needs to make this a priority. I'm tired and don't want to do this anymore. I've been asking for six months. He went crazy on me. Called me horrible names and told me he wanted to punch me in the face. My dil says go whore yourself out to pay your bills. I pay them just fine. They were the ones who needed a place to live. Thought it would be beneficial to us both. They both verbally attacked me for setting a boundary for myself. I said no more enabling.
Today he emailed me about 10 times from work telling me all the things he feels about me. Honestly I've done everything for my sons. I sacrificed to give them all I never had.
He twisted and blamed me and took the focus off himself and they both put it on me. I lost it and told them to get out. So I'm starting to see that I seem to be attracting chaos in my life. I keep exchanging one for another. This shocks me. We were so close.
He mocked me for staying in my room watching tv. Said I needed better meds since I never leave my room. Which isn't true because I'm out with friends for dinner or drinks every other night. I've been trying to be considerate and give them space as a family and stayed upstairs.
I don't seem to be doing anything right anymore. I'm starting to think its me. I must be the crazy one.
This may sound harsh, but he and his wife are grown adults. Its time for them to act like it and be accountable and responsible for themselves, instead of acting like spoiled brats. They are being abusive to you as well. It sounds like they will stoop to anything to get what they want.
So, good for you for setting boundaries and deciding no more enabling!!! That is very healthy.
~healing hugs~
Pulling into my driveway. We aren't speaking and I'm uncomfortable once again in my home.
I am setting boundaries and no one likes it but me. I know I'm changing the rules and caring about myself. They are almost 30. Enough really. Where have I been all this time being a doormat for everyone. I allowed it to go on this long. Ugh
Eventually they will realize you're not going to change back, but until then, be prepared for them to continue to escalate their behavior. Please do whatever you need to to keep yourself safe.
It's sad that they haven't been taking care of their own child. That little one is lucky to have you to love and nurture her. Hopefully her parents will grow up quickly and start to take good care of her.
I'm so sorry you and the little one are going thru this.
practicing self-care
and setting boundaries.
It's never too late!
Sounds like your
son and daughter-
in-law have some
work to do! But
that's THEIR work.
Your work is
practicing
self-care
and you're
on your way.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
all that works
for you in the
days ahead.
BOTH OF THEM OUT NOW!!! If you feel you must give them 30 day notice, but even if they could prove a legal tenency, you have been threatened. If you don't feel strong enough to call sheriff and get them out right now. Give them 30 day notice, put in writing if you have any agreements in writing. If not, they are no more than house guests, and they MUST leave when you tell them to. Time is up!!!! PERIOD. No more questions asked. They are not your problem. Unfortunately there is a child involved. If you fear for her well being, contact the state. This is UNACCEPTABLE!!!! Please hear me. Thankyou.
The beach my dil proceeded to say disgusting things to me. She would walk by and whisper stuff. I told her to leave she wasn't welcome in my home. Hell broke out. My son went nuts. Calling me horrible things. Said go spread your legs for men you whore.
I've come to realize i did this to myself. I let myself be abused and walked all over for all my life. I would never speak to my ex mother in law or my own mother (who was my first abuser) that way. I am numb. All this because I didn't want to drive him to work anymore. Five long years of this. I'm tired of taking care of everyone. I don't want to drive. Period.
He starts videoing me saying I'm going to take you to court. Why? Don't want to drive an almost 30 year old around. She says to my three year old granddaughter go say good bye. You will never see your grandmother again. Poor kid has no idea. She kissed me and said going to my other grandmas now. Never seeing you. Bye. This is sick.
My sister says she always saw this in my son and never wanted to say anything. Said his wife hurt her daughters feelings all the time.
It's so hard. I guess I've been so busy trying to save my addict sons life I never paid attention to how this one really was. I gave him $7000 to catch up on bills and stuff. Thought he had it together. I can't believe the mess I am in. I'm getting it from every angle. I am just about the money to them all. It feels so crappy to know that's all I've been. I really need help
Depending on your situation, (like whether you have a signed lease w/them and what it means for them to be occupying your home after you've told them to leave, etc.) find out if you can legally have the police escort them and their belongings out of their house.
If you feel they are neglecting their child, you also might want to call CPS. The women's shelter should be able to get you a referral to them and a family law attorney.
Also, if you are of a certain age, (50 or older, I think) you can report them for elder abuse.
If they have already left w/all of their stuff, go ASAP and change all your locks and get some kind of alarm system. Otherwise, they WILL end up in your house again w/o your permission.
I am so sorry your son is treating you like this. You deserve to live an abuse free life.
~healing hugs~
Since they disrespect you badly, they need to go elsewhere.
You do not need this.
I know it makes you feel bad for your granddaughter, but people like them count on that and figure they can talk to you in any way they feel and get by with it because of your feelings for your granddaughter.
I suppose it can be labeled as tough love for the parents.
Either they may see it after awhile or later on.
Hard to do, but you do not and cannot live that way. And you shouldn't have to!
If they vacate, make sure the police are there to watch for your safety. And change the locks too!
I hope things get better for you.
Lynne
I know he is your son and this is hard. I have parents that are abusive and have had to cut them out of my life for the most part to stay safe. Family members can be mentally ill sometimes and there is nothing we can do to help them. It is not in their best interests to be enabled to continue abusing.
I completely agree with the posts here who say that your son and dil are abusing you horribly and that they need to be forced to leave your house (legally forced, I mean). It will only get worse for you from this point on. It is not your fault. They are adults and are making choices to treat you this way.
I am so sorry there is a child involved. In my mind, saying to a child that you will never see your grandmother again in the manner you have described is unbelievably abusive. When they say mean and sick things to you, they are abusing you. Abusing a family member in front of a child is abuse of the child. This is very serious.
If you allow your grandchild growing up seeing you being abused, what do you think will be the message? I doubt your son and dil would cut you off from seeing her, as once they are no longer living with you they will continue to see you as a source of money and free childcare.
You trusted and tried to help. That doesn't make you at fault. You have new information now that has changed your mind and led you to take action accordingly. Please seek help so you can know where you stand legally.
I send you the very best thoughts. This too shall pass.
I have dealt with so much since Jan. it seems to have come like a tidal wave with such destruction. Now how to start building again.
I was with a very close friend yesterday. I told her how can I possibly think this isn't me. That I'm not the sick one? She said I know it seems that way because so much is happening all at once. But says I'm too forgiving. That this isn't the first time and a little time goes buy and I seem to forget how I've been treated and keep repeating the process. She is right. If I have to be honest with myself my son has been a nasty guy for awhile now. Anytime I even ask him to help trim a tree or take garbage out he gives me a look like he wants to smack me.
My entire life I've taken care of people. I've given money even to a point my bills were neglected. I'm taking a stand and for the first time creating boundaries no one likes but me.
I've decided to sell my home. That saddens me. However it is the best option. I've cancelled the life ins for my sons. Costs me more then I can afford. To be concerned with leaving money to three very selfish sons makes me furious. This week I am changing my will. My little granddaughter will get it all in a trust for when she is 25 with a clause that under no circumstances can her parents touch it.
I pray I still am part of her life. They know how much I adore her. She is the pure joy and happiness in my life. This would be the cruelest thing to do to us both. Poor child. Thank you all for your advice. We will see what today brings. Say prays for me
Wow peace and quiet here. Almost don't know what to do but enjoy.
Also, make sure your will/trust is iron clad so they cannot challenge later on. You might want to look into have a trust done in place of a will. That way it won't have to go thru probate AND you can name an irrevokable trustee to handle your granddaughter's inheritance. Also a revokable trust allows you to name your trustee(s) should something happen that puts you out of commission for a time. That way, they cannot challenge it in court.
Again, I am very proud of you for taking care of you!!!
~healing hugs~