Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I really think that lleneW's suggestion to do an index card exercise is really great...
(I hope you won't mind me re-posting your description of it for everyone lleneW.)
I copied and pasted it into my email ages ago..I think it is SO good and so helpful.....I just saw it mentioned a few times here today..and thought others might like the full description of how to do it as previously posted here by you...
Buy several packs of index cards.
You will write individual items
that fall into one of two categories
----- ONE PER CARD. One category are
things that are larger categories of
abuse. . . . . such as:
retaliates with the silent treatment
calls me ugly names
tells me his abusive comments are "a joke"
These are just examples; these cards,
ONE ITEM PER CARD ---- are whatever YOUR
abuser does.
The second category of cards, will be a
brief phrase that recounts ONE instance
of what your abuser has done, over the
course of your relationship. So these
cards will hold ---- ONE INSTANCE PER
CARD ----- individual times your abuser
has hurt you ----- big or small ----- anything
confusing or that leaves you feeling like you
were spun around.
EVERY TIME you can think of. If something
hurt you or made you feel uncomfortable or
brought you DIScomfort, it gets a card. (This
might be witnessing your abuser being disrespectful
to others.)
DO NOT edit yourself telling yourself, "Oh
that was nothing. It didn't hurt much."
DON'T NOT give it a card, if it came into
your mind!!!!!!! DON'T censor yourself.
You won't do this exercise all at once.
Carry some cards in your purse or pocket
with you, wherever you go. If you think
of something, write it down. Continue to
fill out new cards as long as instances
keep coming to mind.
Ways to make the categories complete:
For the individual instances category:
Look over the large categories to help you
remember individual times.
Look at photographs.
Look at day planners and diaries.
Think about trips you took.
Ask friends and families what they remember
about your abuser.
Listen to music.
Meditate with your perfume if you use perfume
or his cologne if He used fragrance (or her perfume).
Visit places you were together a lot.
Make a meal you often made, for the two of you.
Put on an outfit that you liked, which he didnt or
an outfit or article of clothing upon which he insisted.
For the large categories:
Go through the individual cards and divide
them into the larger categories. After doing
this is there a category appearing for which
you dont have a large category card.
There are a lot of reasons why doing this
at the time of a break up, will help you
keep moving forward.
Later on, when you need reminding, the evidence of why you
broke up, is there, in black and white.
When you wake up from a dream of how great
it was and how much you miss him, pull out
the stack.
You can either roll straight
through the stack, and remind yourself that
all these instances are really just the tip
of the iceberg of how bad it really felt.
Or you can go through card by card, and
slowly and deliberately, put yourself
back into each painful moment.
However long you spend on doing this, long or
short, you'll be able to counter the
bittersweet dream feelings of missing
for the romance that never lasted in
real life.
Let me know if you have any questions.
Ilene "
(I hope you won't mind me re-posting your description of it for everyone lleneW.)
I copied and pasted it into my email ages ago..I think it is SO good and so helpful.....I just saw it mentioned a few times here today..and thought others might like the full description of how to do it as previously posted here by you...
Buy several packs of index cards.
You will write individual items
that fall into one of two categories
----- ONE PER CARD. One category are
things that are larger categories of
abuse. . . . . such as:
retaliates with the silent treatment
calls me ugly names
tells me his abusive comments are "a joke"
These are just examples; these cards,
ONE ITEM PER CARD ---- are whatever YOUR
abuser does.
The second category of cards, will be a
brief phrase that recounts ONE instance
of what your abuser has done, over the
course of your relationship. So these
cards will hold ---- ONE INSTANCE PER
CARD ----- individual times your abuser
has hurt you ----- big or small ----- anything
confusing or that leaves you feeling like you
were spun around.
EVERY TIME you can think of. If something
hurt you or made you feel uncomfortable or
brought you DIScomfort, it gets a card. (This
might be witnessing your abuser being disrespectful
to others.)
DO NOT edit yourself telling yourself, "Oh
that was nothing. It didn't hurt much."
DON'T NOT give it a card, if it came into
your mind!!!!!!! DON'T censor yourself.
You won't do this exercise all at once.
Carry some cards in your purse or pocket
with you, wherever you go. If you think
of something, write it down. Continue to
fill out new cards as long as instances
keep coming to mind.
Ways to make the categories complete:
For the individual instances category:
Look over the large categories to help you
remember individual times.
Look at photographs.
Look at day planners and diaries.
Think about trips you took.
Ask friends and families what they remember
about your abuser.
Listen to music.
Meditate with your perfume if you use perfume
or his cologne if He used fragrance (or her perfume).
Visit places you were together a lot.
Make a meal you often made, for the two of you.
Put on an outfit that you liked, which he didnt or
an outfit or article of clothing upon which he insisted.
For the large categories:
Go through the individual cards and divide
them into the larger categories. After doing
this is there a category appearing for which
you dont have a large category card.
There are a lot of reasons why doing this
at the time of a break up, will help you
keep moving forward.
Later on, when you need reminding, the evidence of why you
broke up, is there, in black and white.
When you wake up from a dream of how great
it was and how much you miss him, pull out
the stack.
You can either roll straight
through the stack, and remind yourself that
all these instances are really just the tip
of the iceberg of how bad it really felt.
Or you can go through card by card, and
slowly and deliberately, put yourself
back into each painful moment.
However long you spend on doing this, long or
short, you'll be able to counter the
bittersweet dream feelings of missing
for the romance that never lasted in
real life.
Let me know if you have any questions.
Ilene "
When you're trying to remember the individual instances, go through your texts and emails. (Thanks to the person who shared that with me!)
You know, I'd kept a journal for most of my adult life, which ----- even seven years ago ----- was a long time. And journaling is great!
But there's something about breaking out these instances of abuse ----- breaking them out from pages of rumination, breaking them out from the mental stew that our psyche becomes after years of constant abuse, breaking them out of the mosquitoe-infested swamp that our relationship has become.
And then, as you empty the instances of pain from inside you, one by one and you watch the stack of cards grow taller and taller ---- it becomes less and less possible to deny that the situation is intolerable.
I was asked if this can be used in regards to understanding the toxicity of within the relationship between yourself and a family member. Yes. It works in all kinds of relationships and even other situations where you need to make a decision about your well-being ---- like whether a job is worth keeping.
Someone else asked why this was better than doing a pros versus cons spread sheet. First of all, with an abusive relationship ----- no amount of "pros" can outweigh being abused. Second, giving each incident it's own card keeps you from discounting a thing because maybe it's "too small" and maybe you're "over-reacting." You're more likely to not write something down on a list. On a card, it's just one little thing ----- until you see the growing pile of little things.
Glad this has been helpful. Feel free to pass it along. Just please, when you do, use my name in front of it, as it's my intellectual property. (Okay?) Thanks! When I developed it, I couldn't believe I'd never seen it anywhere else before, because it's almost miraculous!
Take care and be well!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you
A notepad is okay to use till you get index cards
but it's only a temporary.
This exercise is not about making a linear list one
a piece of paper, or even multiple sheets.
It's about putting compiling instances in a very
visual, tangible manner, to counter the tendency
of the target of abuse excusing the abuse or of
being able to will it away by crubling a single
sheet of paper.
Once the instances start piling up and the deck
sits there growing higher and higher, it becomes
less possible to stay in denial that what's happening
is abuse, or to imagine that returning to the abusive
partner is anything but a very bad idea.
So, if all you have is a notepad, start on that. But
get some packs of cards and transfer what you've
written. Let me know if you have any questions.
It is too easy to forget the bad and not second guess myself
A journal to take to court is too emotional...cards with specifics separated will help me to remain focused on why I am there
When I am asked why or what happened I can answer without becoming overwhelmed by the sheer amounts of the larger items(which to me seemed small...not sure what that's about)
THANKS!!!
One way around this, if you can be private on-line, is to
keep have a private on-line journal. As I said earlier
regarding doing the exercise on a note pad, it's not
ideal, but it's a way to begin. Later, when you're able
to keep things secure and private, you can transcribe
what you've recorded in the on-line journal over onto
index cards.
Whatever you do, please, absolutely ---- stay safe.