Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I am still living with my abuser, unfortunately, and I have something coming up that I know he is going to be pissed about. My mother is having surgery at the end of the month and I need to go take care of her for a week out of town, with my son, because my husband works.
I am terrified to tell him because he is so extremely selfish and won't understand. Honestly, I don't even want to be away that long because I have a business to run, but I need to be there for my parents. My father cannot be alone and I need to be there.
My aunt and brother are coming in the following weeks to help, so at least I don't have to stay longer.
I don't know how to approach my husband to tell him this. He gets pissed when I go there for more than 2 days. It is not that he doesn't want me to see my family or that he doesn't like them, he just wants me to be here so he can abuse me or so I can take care of him because he really is incapable of taking care of himself. He gets so angry at the littlest things that he can't handle it.
He doesn't know how to handle a stressful situation, so that is why he takes it out on me.
Any advice?
I am terrified to tell him because he is so extremely selfish and won't understand. Honestly, I don't even want to be away that long because I have a business to run, but I need to be there for my parents. My father cannot be alone and I need to be there.
My aunt and brother are coming in the following weeks to help, so at least I don't have to stay longer.
I don't know how to approach my husband to tell him this. He gets pissed when I go there for more than 2 days. It is not that he doesn't want me to see my family or that he doesn't like them, he just wants me to be here so he can abuse me or so I can take care of him because he really is incapable of taking care of himself. He gets so angry at the littlest things that he can't handle it.
He doesn't know how to handle a stressful situation, so that is why he takes it out on me.
Any advice?
I had the same problem with my abuser. I was controlled through anger at things that occupied my time, until I had no freedom of choice about anything, really.
You are absolutely right that it is not personal dislike of your family that is behind his behaviour, but abusiveness.
Have you ever been to a women's aid centre, or had counselling? Those things could help you see a life for yourself and your child beyond him and his control. Because, frankly, he shouldn't be getting pissed about something like this. No person should.
Could you first tell him about the visit with someone else there, or in public, and if he gets very angry later, you can call the police or leave the house and get to your car or to a neighbour as an emergency measure with your son? Do you have family or friends whom you could take your son to and stay with if you were to leave him? You say you run a business. Do you have access to money from that?
If you do have these things, you could take your son and leave while he is at work. Take all documents, money, and personal stuff that you can for you and your son with you there and then if you go. Abusers can escalate if you tell them you are going and leave while they are present, so I don`t advise that. Slip out unnoticed while your husband is definitely at work or elsewhere.
Please DON'T ever tell him you think he is abusive, or that you are seeking help if you choose to. Erase this site and anything connected with abuse from your internet and phone histories, including passwords.
You and your son deserve a great life, and someone who abuses you like this does not love you. It`s control and possession, not love.
Please stay here and keep posting whenever you need support, too! Stay safe and sending huge hugs xxx
I tell you, I would tell him at the last second possible so he wouldn't have days to be mad at me and I sure wouldn't tell him the 5 days part. Treat it like an emergency---which it really is to you.
I'm so sorry that you can't take this opportunity to just stay back there and get away from him, business or no business.
I wish you the best in hoping you will be able to find happiness.
I also second the suggestion to get you and your son into therapy ASAP with someone who is specially trained in the dynamics of (and recovery from) abuse, as well as go talk w/someone at your local women's shelter.
Do NOT tell him you are doing this and do NOT tell him you think he's abusive. You need to stay safe.
You said:
"He doesn't know how to handle a stressful situation, so that is why he takes it out on me. "
I'm calling BS on that. He is a full grown adult (albeit it a selfish, immature and abusive adult) and he knows exactly what he's doing!
There is NO EXCUSE....NONE, NADA, ZIP, ZILCH, ZERO, NIL, NOT ONE EXCUSE for abuse. Abuse is inexcusable and abusers rarely change.
YOU and your son DESERVE BETTER!!! You deserve to be loved and respected and abuse is neither.
Please take good care of you!
So, I did end up telling my husband over the phone that we were going to my parents to help my mom, because he had told me he was taking a vacation that week from work. Of course, it just so happens to be the same time (just about). Anyway, he seemed OK with it because he has a 2nd job that he was going to do while on vacation from his 1st job.
Anyway, everything was fine and he even mentioned that he might come up for a day (on his birthday). So, he knew we would be gone on his birthday.
Tonight, we were out having a nice dinner and he brought it up and just realized that we will be gone for his birthday. He knew this already, but was pissed. He said that he couldn't believe we were leaving him alone on his birthday. Luckily, we were in a restaurant, so it was not bad.
Now, he keeps saying it over and over again. I told him that we talked about him coming up that day so we could go out to eat for his birthday. He is so selfish - really. I told him that my mother needs me to be there, and I really did not have a choice. He even went so far to say that my mother should not have scheduled the surgery around his birthday - REALLY???? How selfish can one person be.
Anyway, we leave next Thursday, and I don't know how he is going to take it or how he will be, but at least it is out in the open and I don't have to worry about telling him anymore. I know I will probably pay the price when I get back, in some way. But, that one glimmer of hope that I saw in the beginning has now faded.
Thanks for letting me vent.
If anyone wants to understand
narcissistic personality disorder. . . . .
share with them this consumate example.
And Hon. . . . . . .
I strongly urge you to
do a search for a therapist
whose SPECIALTY is
surviving and recovery
from abuse.
Please take very good care!