I've been reading "why does he do that" by Lundy which is excellent for insight. Also any of Patricia Evans books. If someone is telling you that, that's a pretty good indication. Has he ever been physically violent? Have you ever felt afraid? These are some of the most important danger signs. How does he respond when you tell him how you feel? Does he discount it or make a sincere apology and effort to respond? If you do decide to leave there is definitely a safer way to do it. But I'd have to defer to the other women here for advice on that. If you can call a hotline that's a great first start.

Hi Jolene,
Whoever told you your husband is emotionally abusive should be your best friend. She hit the nail on the head. You are still young and you deserve to be happy., so do your kids.

You said : "I feel like I'm not worth anything, and like I'm fat and stupid. But isn't that just MY problem? Not his?"
Not right. He is the one making you feel this way, I hope for your own happiness and your kids, you will be able to leave this abusive marriage . If he makes you feel this way there is no doubt he will do the same to the kids when they are older. I hope you will put yourself and kids first.
Good luck, I wish you all the best

Abuse can be emotional, mental, spiritual, financial, sexual &/or physical. It can be overt or covert. It can be done publicly or just in private.

What you describe is definitely abuse.

In addition to the book Kate referenced, please check out www.youarenotcrazy.com. This is Patricia Evans website. I also suggest you read her book The Emotionally Abusive Relationship. It describes many types of abuse.

Non-physical abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse.

If you are planning on leaving, please do so safely. Do not tell anyone you don't trust with your life! (I mean that literally!) And absolutely do it secretly as you said. Make sure he doesn't know you're on this site either. Delete your history every time you shut down your computer.

Contact your local women's shelter. They will help you make a safe plan.

Keep posting here!

Hugs!!

I would say this can't be good for your daughters self esteem as he is who she will pattern relationships after, unless you really work hard to turn the process around.

As to the too fat, too stupid, too boring crap he says, Im pretty sure he is tearing you down to build himself up. I am not gorgeous brilliant or exciting and I believe you would probably treat me with respect anyways, as I would treat you.

I think people should treat each other with respect and courtesy.

Hi Jolene, and welcome to the group!

****I feel like I'm not worth anything, and like I'm fat and stupid. But isn't that just MY problem? Not his?****

That sentence in my opinion speaks volumes because if you were not being emotionally abused, you would not feel unworthy, fat or stupid!!!

There are many different ways to abuse somebody emotionally. and not all abusers use all the different tactics. It might be a good idea to research emotional/verbal/psychological abuse on the internet.

Here is a link to some information about abuse:
http://speakoutloud.net/domestic-violence/mens-tactics

I hope that you find the answers you are looking for. And remember, you are NOT worthless and you are NOT stupid! Please take good care of yourself.

Hi jolene ----

Welcome and sorry
you're having to be
dealing with this.

Yes. . . . whomever
suggested to you that
your husband is being
emotionally abusive. . .
was absolutely accurate.

Before another day goes
by, get yourself connected
with your nearest
women's centre or
women's aide (not
sure what it's called
where you are).

THEY WILL HELP YOU.


For the record. . . .
tearing you down is
HIS problem. . .
NOT YOURS.

And doing that
in front of your
daughter is not
merely abusing You,
it's also CHILD ABUSE.

Please contact your
women's centre
IMMEDIATELY!

Please take good
care of yourself.

Sending hugs
and healing prayers.

jolene, I've developed several different ways of weighing these kinds of things over the years. The first one is, well pretty similar to what your friend has done for you, but I want to share it with you because I found it really helpful for the crazy-making part...

If you can look at what you have written and then imagine it is your best friend telling you this, that you are seeing all of this happening to someone you care about. What it would it look like and feel like then?

If that doesn't make sense to you yet, take the person who told this word for it. It isn't loving to denigrate someone. It isn't loving to undermine the status and authority of a parent to their child. And if you are fighting alot, then you're probably feeling quite beat up and pushed around. Your child is and cannot help but be affected by constant hostility and conflict in the home. You have a duty to protect your child from abuse to the best of your ability.

There are also red flags - indicators that it's better to get away without asking questions, waiting for a "good moment" or trying to understand everything that's going on. I agree that looking at the resource sites and reading up is a good idea. Most Women's Shelters also offer open classes and sessions to any woman in the community who needs to talk, get advice or simply learn more.

I know for a fact, they saved my life.

Blessings and stay safe!

Thanks guys.

He knows about this site, as I've been a member a long time. I use it for several other things, but he has no interest in it...he thinks it's all about me getting mommy adivice and what not.

I have never ever been afraid that he would hit me. Ever. He does things that I guess are violent....but not like beating me or anything. Just stupid things like he is always smacking my butt even though I have told him it irritates me. And he constantly wants to play fight, biting me (not hard at all) and pinching me until I get up and leave. And he thinks it's funny.

Typing that out it sounds worse then I think it is.

I've only told my big brother that I'm taking steps to leave. Nobody else. I don't want everyone pressuring me to do it faster then I feel right doing it. And I don't want anyone losing it on him as my family isn't the sit back and do nothing type.

Hi Jolene.
I haven't heard too much here about the narcissist. When I realized my husband was a classic narcissist so so so many of the puzzle pieces fell together. Things like how he still teases my son to the point of making him angry, then he acts like it is all a joke. It made me realize the extent of HIS problem, even though he always blamed me, or life, or something.
UNfortunately, I am having a hard time deciding to leave, but I still have hope that I will be ready someday soon.....