Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
You know, I don't understand why I keep getting hurt. It's nothing new, and it's not like it's a big suprise or anything.
Our daughter started the new dance season today, and her classes are sort of wonky. Tap is 4-430pm and ballet is 515-545pm, so there is an akward pause in between classes. I still have my nephew until 530, so earlier we had discussed how he would take her to classes and I would stay at home and cook supper and such.
Well today he was all pissy I didn't go with him, then I tell him that if he wants he can take her to a park in between classes (originally we were gonna try to rush home and have her eat in that gap) and I would have supper ready for when they got home. So 6pm at the latest as the studio is a 5-10 minute drive away.
So by 6pm I have supper ready, the table set, and our daughters food on her plate cooling. 615 rolls around, nobody, so I text him....no answer. 630 rolls around, still nobody, no answer on the phone, so I shoot off another text. 645 and STILL nobody or text or phone call answer.
They show up at 655, supper is cold, the sauce on the noodles is congealed, the chicken is cold. Marlow wanted to buy me some flowers from the store they apparentley went to so they had 2 dozen roses with them.
I took the roses and thanked Marlow and such. I didn't have a vase tall enough or big enough to stick all the flowers together. So Im in the kitchen, upset and crying a little, dealing with the roses. And Joey comes in and gets MAD AT ME! He says he did nothing wrong, and that I should of just plated like I do when he's late other times. And that Im unappreciative of the flowers. Then he 'asks' if he can go to his buddies and play video games and I told him I didn't care, and he got all snarky with me, asking what my problem was, and I told him I was still upset, and he shrugged, said whatever and left.
I text him, stupid, but I was hurt and angry, and told him that just because it didn't matter to him doesnt mean it doesnt matter to me, and he text back that hes always doing things for me and I don't care so I'm ungrateful and mean.
I wasn't wrong at all! I'm sure of it! I don't even have to think about it. Why couldn't he just text me and TELL me he was going to be late. And right before he left to take Marlow to her first dance class he made a nasty remark about how supper better not be hot dogs and mac n cheese (I made it Friday as I wasnt feeling to well and wanted something quick) so I cook this big meal and he's an hour late!! I'm so mad....and I'm extra mad that I got upset about it.
Our daughter started the new dance season today, and her classes are sort of wonky. Tap is 4-430pm and ballet is 515-545pm, so there is an akward pause in between classes. I still have my nephew until 530, so earlier we had discussed how he would take her to classes and I would stay at home and cook supper and such.
Well today he was all pissy I didn't go with him, then I tell him that if he wants he can take her to a park in between classes (originally we were gonna try to rush home and have her eat in that gap) and I would have supper ready for when they got home. So 6pm at the latest as the studio is a 5-10 minute drive away.
So by 6pm I have supper ready, the table set, and our daughters food on her plate cooling. 615 rolls around, nobody, so I text him....no answer. 630 rolls around, still nobody, no answer on the phone, so I shoot off another text. 645 and STILL nobody or text or phone call answer.
They show up at 655, supper is cold, the sauce on the noodles is congealed, the chicken is cold. Marlow wanted to buy me some flowers from the store they apparentley went to so they had 2 dozen roses with them.
I took the roses and thanked Marlow and such. I didn't have a vase tall enough or big enough to stick all the flowers together. So Im in the kitchen, upset and crying a little, dealing with the roses. And Joey comes in and gets MAD AT ME! He says he did nothing wrong, and that I should of just plated like I do when he's late other times. And that Im unappreciative of the flowers. Then he 'asks' if he can go to his buddies and play video games and I told him I didn't care, and he got all snarky with me, asking what my problem was, and I told him I was still upset, and he shrugged, said whatever and left.
I text him, stupid, but I was hurt and angry, and told him that just because it didn't matter to him doesnt mean it doesnt matter to me, and he text back that hes always doing things for me and I don't care so I'm ungrateful and mean.
I wasn't wrong at all! I'm sure of it! I don't even have to think about it. Why couldn't he just text me and TELL me he was going to be late. And right before he left to take Marlow to her first dance class he made a nasty remark about how supper better not be hot dogs and mac n cheese (I made it Friday as I wasnt feeling to well and wanted something quick) so I cook this big meal and he's an hour late!! I'm so mad....and I'm extra mad that I got upset about it.
Don't beat yourself up about getting upset by something upsetting. That's abuser talk (no, not saying YOU are an abuser, only that you've got his talk in your head). They tell us we are wrong to be upset by something upsetting, that it's wrong to be hurt by something hurtful, that it's stupid to get angry at something that would provoke anger in ANYONE. And eventually we believe them.
You say you don't understand why you keep being hurt. It's because he keeps hurting you. If he were slapping you physically, would you expect it not to hurt as long as he did it often enough? That's what he's doing to your heart and your soul - he's slapping it and kicking it and stomping on it. And that hurts. There is NO reason you should hurt yourself further by turning the anger on yourself. Leave the anger where it belongs, and use it to propel yourself and your daughter to a better place.
When he came home hours late, he would ridicule me for worrying. For days he would make jokes about it. I believed I was stupid and in the wrong for wanting to know when he would come home.
He would always tell me I never appreciated him or what he did, although like with your husband, what he did was usually good stuff wrapped up with hurtful stuff.
He made me believe that I was mad when I felt hurt by his actions. He said I was imagining all the bad stuff he did. He would tell me he always had good intentions and I always ignored them and got hurt. Like in your example, he probably would have told me how he spent hours searching out the perfect flowers for me and all I do after all that hard work of his is cry and get upset at him and not appreciate him. He would make me feel so guilty that I would always apologise to him and grovel for forgiveness and apologise for being so mad and crazy again and crying again. I honestly believed that only a seriously disturbed and ungrateful person would be crying in the situations I cried in.
Please, please. If you ever feel yourself doubting yourself in a situation like this, if you ever start wondering if you are in the wrong instead of him, if you ever start feeling guilty, if you ever think you are mad for crying, LEAVE him. Don't let him rob you of your sanity like mine did with me.
Jolene, you know better than anyone else the ammount of stress that's flooding your life. Reading your posts and your journal, you mention that your relationship is rocky and there's no reason not to believe you.
But what if the peripheral stuff [mom, sister, financial issues] didn't exist? Would you and Joey be calmer, closer to one another?
I've got friends with kids who have no idea of the heartache cause by Big Time Sheit, and they still give into misunderstandings, arguments, cold shoulders etc.. It's the stress talking from both sides.
The question is: do you love each other? If yes, focus on that. It's hard to see the love while dealing with every day routine, but afterall, it's all we have really.
May I offer a suggestion or two? If you are dealing with an abusive partner you must always expect the shit. Therefore, it's better to focus on YOU and your kid and not so much on him. He's a big boy and can make his own dinner.
Focus more on you and and on self care, less on him.
Hugs to you, hon.