Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
He sensed something was up. He kept asking me if I had something to tell him. The kids were still awake I didn't want to. We went into another room and I just told him. He got very upset and was pleading w me.
He was following me around. Then made his dinner while I was getting the kids ready for bed. He was nervous and upset. I felt bad for him. He started asking what else he cld do. I said nothing, at this point. I've tried. I've got nothing left. I can't give any more time. I'm not staying in a loveless marriage.
He asked abt how I've said I love him n things are getting better n I said how I wanted to have things get fixed. And he asked if that was all lies. I said no. I meant it. But I'm realizing its not going to happen. I'm real sad abt it. He asked abt the house. I said well do what's best. He asked if I told my mom. I said no. You are the first one I'm gonna tell. He asked if I called the atty. I said no. One thing at a time. I've been thinking in the
Intermittent space I've been getting and over the last 6 months Ive come to this decision.
He's been pacing around. Going downstairs and then coming back up. He's getting angry. Asking me again if everything I've said was lies that I wanted things to work out etc. I said. Now ur calling me a liar. Nice THIS is what I'm talking about. I said I DID want things to work out. But they're not. He asked if we can talk later. I said no. Then he says u drop a bomb on me like this n then shut me out?! I said drop a bomb??? Ugh so I agreed to talk but only for 10 minutes. I said it's too emotionally draining to talk until midnight.
It's like how he got when we first separated in October. He's up and down. Pacing. Crying. Then angry. Then mushy wanting to lay w the girls before bed. He's emotionally all over.
Sorry if this is do disjointed. I'm just laying with my girls he went back downstairs.
I feel this is the right thing for me and the girls. I'm calling the attorney tomorrow to get the papers and serve him. It's another 90 day waiting period then before we can proceed. I can't even imagine...
He was following me around. Then made his dinner while I was getting the kids ready for bed. He was nervous and upset. I felt bad for him. He started asking what else he cld do. I said nothing, at this point. I've tried. I've got nothing left. I can't give any more time. I'm not staying in a loveless marriage.
He asked abt how I've said I love him n things are getting better n I said how I wanted to have things get fixed. And he asked if that was all lies. I said no. I meant it. But I'm realizing its not going to happen. I'm real sad abt it. He asked abt the house. I said well do what's best. He asked if I told my mom. I said no. You are the first one I'm gonna tell. He asked if I called the atty. I said no. One thing at a time. I've been thinking in the
Intermittent space I've been getting and over the last 6 months Ive come to this decision.
He's been pacing around. Going downstairs and then coming back up. He's getting angry. Asking me again if everything I've said was lies that I wanted things to work out etc. I said. Now ur calling me a liar. Nice THIS is what I'm talking about. I said I DID want things to work out. But they're not. He asked if we can talk later. I said no. Then he says u drop a bomb on me like this n then shut me out?! I said drop a bomb??? Ugh so I agreed to talk but only for 10 minutes. I said it's too emotionally draining to talk until midnight.
It's like how he got when we first separated in October. He's up and down. Pacing. Crying. Then angry. Then mushy wanting to lay w the girls before bed. He's emotionally all over.
Sorry if this is do disjointed. I'm just laying with my girls he went back downstairs.
I feel this is the right thing for me and the girls. I'm calling the attorney tomorrow to get the papers and serve him. It's another 90 day waiting period then before we can proceed. I can't even imagine...
Soon2be - I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Ive wavered too many times over the last 3 years of our 18 year marriage. It's such a hard decision and when they throw out every emotion at you it makes you crazy and confused. Please, be very careful when you ask him to move out. Many here will tell you, that abusers, even if they have NEVER been physically abusive before, are capable of flipping at any time when faced with the thought they are losing their victim. Especially when their emotions are so erratic, it can be scary.
Have a plan in place, have your cell phone on you at all times, and tell close family or friends when you plan on telling him to move out, so they are on standby.
Sending you strength and hugs to a life free of abuse.
I agree with Ilene and others that his tactics WILL change. Expect that. Be ready for it. He may start to show a side of himself that will be very painful to be on the other end of and this may cause you to waver due to the difficulty of it, but plant your feet firmly on what you know is truth.
My dander was up as I was reading his response to you and I was getting more agitated until I read your glorious insight- when you called him out on subtly calling you a liar. You saw through it. His pleadings weren't for you, they were for him. He's struggling to save himself from discomfort. In so doing he was using many verbally abusive tactics down to insulting your character.
I also wholeheartedly agree with what others have said here in keeping contact to a minimum. When I saw the truth of the situation I could not stand to be in the same house as him as I watched him boldly and unashamedly refuse to take responsibility and purposely hurt me to punish me. I would strongly encourage you to make a plan to be elsewhere if he will not leave.
I was in denial about the depth of my stbx apathy toward me and so I kept trying to draw out some expression of caring through repeated conversation openings. I kept trying to draw out his compassion and love for me but it was never there to begin with so as I did this it only made me more and more depressed not getting from him what I felt I needed. He will never validate you. Come here for validation. Its not wrong for wanting it from him but it will only hurt you trying to get from him what he is unwilling to give. It only gives him more control.
I am reading a new book on trauma and it has only reinforced so much of what we talk about on here. Your emotions and thoughts will swing all over the place and it may make you feel crazy. This is normal as your brain tries to process what it has no "coping file" for. It is normal to have memories from 10 years ago flood your mind and make you doubt then 10 minutes later be filled with rage.
Working through an abusive marriage is way more to process than a typical divorce. It is more than dealing with a death. It is those things plus betrayal plus working out the alternate reality we've allowed in order to survive.
You WILL be okay Notmyself. HUGS!!!
Your response could not have come at a better time. I am going through an extremely difficult time at the moment and your words have really helped me.
I am seeing this side of him, where he walks around so sad and dejected like a hurt lost soul. And it makes me feel guilty. I want to help him - I feel this need to help him.
Just yesterday, I felt the same way - when you said as you began to realize the truth of the situation, you couldn't stand to be in the same house with him. I get that completely. I feel like its just a fraud. And that absolutely kills me. I keep rehashing our entire marriage to make sense of things.
I too am in denial and I try and talk to him matter-of-factly. I am still looking for validation from him that he will recognize the enormity of our situation and I'm not getting it. It kills me. I hate that I'm constantly looking for validation. I feel strong one minute and like a useless jellyfish the next.
Your last 2 paragraphs helped me tremendously. Is this more than just a typical divorce? Because it seems just too unbearable at times and confusing. What book are you referring to - Bond Betrayal?
I'm working on trying to feel some peace and to be ok - it seems so far out of reach.
Trauma does damage the brain and one of the ways it does that is it messes with the time/date stamp in the hippocampus which makes it hard to tell what is real and what isn't, as in PTSD when a soldier is walking in a parking lot and hears a car backfire & dives for cover because his brain goes back to being in the war zone. It doesn't get that there are no bombs in the parking lot.
Please get out for a while - even a few hours - so your brain and body has some breathing room. The more time AWAY from the toxic abuser, the more you will see what is truly going on.
Remember the recent thread about the drama triangle? You are both on it right now. He is acting like the victim and persecutor and you are being the rescuer and the persecutor.
There is only one way to stop this craziness. ONE WAY. Step OFF the triangle. STOP thinking you have to rescue him. He is a capable adult and ONLY HIE is responsible for his life and his actions.
You can NOT fix him
You can NOT help him
You can NOT control him
You can NOT cure him
You can NOT fix the marriage as long as he is the way he is
You did NOT cause him to do what he is doing.
Once you realize that you could be Jesus incarnate and he would still act the way he acts, you will see that there is nothing you can do except SAVE YOURSELF.
Your confusion and feelings of guilt WILL lessen when you are AWAY from him. It is amazing how the longer we are out and go as much NC as possible when kids are involved, the faster the fog lifts and things become clear, not to mention more peaceful.
I can see how having more time apart and less contact - as much as we can - will be helpful. When he's not around I feel a bit better. When he calls and I see his name pop up on my phone or if a txt comes through I get this stressful feeling inside of me. And then the mind starts to wander. It's a cycle. Like I'm triggered by him.
Just like the others said, please get as much time away as you can in the interim period. Even if his tactics change, he is still the same underneath them all. They are tools. He is still the same person whose behaviour drove you to come looking for a site like this. You didn't end up here by accident - you needed us. And we are here :)
Sending you lots of love and (((HUGS))) xxx
Tonight I took the girls and came to my moms and were hanging out w my sis and her kids and I'm SO relaxed. I feel almost fine :) the thought of going home is making me feel anxious. You're all so right - I need to stay away from him as much as possible during this divorce if he doesn't move out.
ltwist - I think the validation issue will stay w me for a long time as well. I realized that I need validation in many areas of my life - I know I need to work on that. Thanks for your support and vote of confidence!
I couldn't imagine getting through this without you guys xo
And it will take time to get over that - time and work. In the meantime, at least lean on those you know you can trust for that external validation - your supportive friends and family, counsellor, us. Not him. It will never come from him now, because there is no way he will ever validate thoughts and feelings you "shouldn't" (in his mind) be having. You shouldn't be seeing him as abusive, you shouldn't be seeing him as anything less than wonderful and perfect. You shouldn't be considering escaping, in fact you should still be thinking it's all your fault and you must give more and try harder. Those are the thoughts and feelings that he will validate - and guilt. He's working hard on the guilt thing. But it's NOT your fault.
You can do it, and it will get better. Unfortunately, it may get worse in the short term, but it will get better after that.