oh yeah and something to add to that....whenever i do try talk to him he starts messing with his wedding ring?..whats that?

Newstart....

I would guess he knows why you are leaving. Even understands it. He will never accept that you are leaving. All he will do is try to change your mind. He may choose the kind sweet personna, he may rage, you never know. They know what they have done, they know what they are doing. And all of it....is a manipulation.

Please remember that leaving is the most dangerous time. I would so prefer to see you leave, and do the talking after...from a safe distance.

Both times I "tried" to talk to my stbx about leaving
it ended up getting physical.

As soon as I said I have to go the switch would flip and he would turn into a raging mad man.

The first time it happened I was so shocked I couldn't speak, my jaw was hanging open and I thought this is not happening!!
He told me -by physically assaulting me-I could t leave. So I stood there agreeing with him, I wouldn't leave.
When he left for work I started shaking and crying and the guilt and shame overwhelmed me and I stayed for 9 more months.

The second time it happened he grabbed my arms and was going to do something but I steppedad close as I could to him and said take your hands off me or I will kill you. He must have believed me because he let go and walked away. I left two days later. I told him he would stay with his mother while I packed to move out and I would let him know when I was done a d if he showed up during that time I would have him locked up.

There were other times I talked of seperating too that weren't violent. He threatened suicide a couple times- I naively stayed thinking he would hurt himself. He is a coward and will only hurt those he thinks are weaker than him.
He also did the nice sweet and loving in combination with the remorse and promises to change and I believed those too in the beginning.

Had I known then what I know now I would have left sooner and not "tried" to make things better. There is never better with an abuser. There is sometimes less abuse but that's not better!!!

Please wait until you leave- be safe- then indulge those feelings of need- for yourself!!!

Good luck which ever choice you make and take good care of you!

"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""whenever i do try talk to him he starts messing with his wedding ring?..whats that? """"""""""""""""""""""""""

My hunch is that it's a THREAT.


We're all very concerned at your plan.
As H.M. astutely underlined, leaving is
the MOST DANGEROUS time.

Abusers attack regularly.

That's what makes them abusers.

When an abuser becomes clear
that the victim is about to escape
. . . . . they feel that now there's
really nothing more they can lose.

So their attacks can
become DEADLY.


If you fee you must talk to him
. . . . . leave FIRST. THEN talk
(from FAR AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).


I PERSONALLY know
someone whose young,
intelligent, beautiful,
full-of-life niece was
BLOWN UP
from going back to talk.

What happened to
the murderer?

He blew himself up,
after he murdered Her.


Talking to an abuser
is hazardous to your health.

If he doesn't already understand why you are leaving, he is an abuser and won't understand anyway, so talking to him will do no good.

Really, there is no point in talking to him. The outcome will never be what you expect, but instead could wind up very bad. You think you will feel better by saying what you want to say, but trust me, there is a 99% chance you will wind up feeling worse.

I agree with HM, leaving is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship, and getting out safely is the best thing you can concentrate on right now - not trying to make him understand. Besides, he knows full well why you are leaving, but probably doesn't accept that abuse is a good enough reason for you to do so!

Once you leave, if you want to, you can write it all down in the form of a letter, but keeping yourself safe right now is the most important thing.

You are trying to make it better. Just walk away. If he understands or not, he is still an abuser

I just wanted to add:

Even if you did get him to listen, and he said he understands and is deeply sorry that he abused you and please would you give him another chance, in no time at all he'd back to abusing and you'd be back to where you are right now - planning to move out. This sort of cycle can be endless with an abuser, so please don't go there.

To an abuser the ending of the relationship will always be your fault and never theirs. If you are willing to listen to him blameshift get angry and rage or sullen and cynical then go ahead and talk to him. Or he could start begging you to stay and making promises to change, promises he has absolutely no intention of keeping.He may even cry a little or manage to squeeze out a few tears.
Idk but I don't see him messing with hsi wedding ring as a threat, maybe more of a way of attempting to guilt you by reminding you of your vows. Either way if you talk to him you won't get him to accept any responsibility for his behavior or if he appears to, it will just be an act to play on your sympathy. Much much better to make a clean break and save yourself undue agony.