Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Yesterday, my husband did it again. Continued to badger me, asking what else he could do to get things on track. I said, yet again, I asked that we put our marriage on hold until after the holidays, give me some space, and each continue w IC.
That wasn't good enough for him. Never is. He badgers and badgers and wants to talk, HE is suffering, HE is being tortured not knowing what's gonna happen to us, HE needs to know, HE has something to say... Always. About. Him.
Well, I was at my breaking point. I told him.
I no longer have feelings for him.
He looked shocked. Got sad. Said again he had NO idea things were THIS bad. I should have let him know. ?????? I said what have I been trying to tell u for the last 3 years??! I've asked for 3 separations - why do people ask for separations?? He went on to ask if I've thought about the kids. How this will affect them, now coming from a broken home -especially since we adopted them and they've already "lost" a set of parents. That made me livid! Nice. How he used our little girls to persuade me??!!
He then talked money. Asked if I thought how we are going to afford 2 places. I said I HAVE been thinking about this. And what's best for the girls. To stay in this home, school district for normalcy and routine. But that I am completely stressed bc I will barely be able to stay here. And IF I can pull it off, I will b stressed about money and wouldn't even have an extra $10 to rent a movie!
He then said his therapist suggested a marital retreat. I'm thinking.... No. He said we should try to make this work. I need to give him a second chance. (Again, I'm thinking... SECOND?! Where the hell has he been???).
I said so, you suggest I stay in a loveless marriage where I no longer love u unconditionally and I don't receive that same unconditional love?? For the kids?? And what would we be teaching them? That THIS is a healthy marriage?
He moped the rest of the day. Said I NEED to help him to be a better father, husband and person. I'm thinking he STILL is asking more from me. What can I do for HIM?
He said how can I turn my back on him while he's reaching out to me. I said, it's not easy. Not at all. But u have turned your back on me for over 3 years as I repeatedly reached out to you. I have no more fight left in me for this marriage.
This morning he's all lovey dovey and passive. Asked if he could come and sleep back in our bed for the kids sake. Asked if we could renew our vows???? Literally I was speechless.
I wonder what is going on inside his head. I DO feel bad. He's is trying to NOW process what I've been struggling with for years. And yet he's still twisting things, pointing blame at what I should've, would've, could've done, and claiming I'm not upset or stressed over the whole situation. And he's still NOT giving me space. I've gone back to work 4 nights this past week after I cooked, fed and bathed the kids and worked until midnight - while he napped. I'd go to bed at 1 and he would THEN want to talk. Then he'd wake me early in the morning for more talking. I then worked after making breakfast today, from 10-3. On a Sunday! One week before Christmas. Which I'm hosting 19 ppl. Still have shopping to do. Have all the wrapping still to do.
And now I'm feeling sick. Sore throat, aches and pains, feverish. And I can't do a damn thing about it because HE left an hour ago to attend his office Christmas party!! He must be real broken up over this!!
And I will not be attending my office party Tuesday because I'm depressed, way behind on work and too tired to do just about anything.
Sorry for the rant. I'm at the end of my rope. I was slightly relieved when I let it out and felt bad. Thinking 22 years is ending. I felt broken. Then he gets all kooky on me again.
That wasn't good enough for him. Never is. He badgers and badgers and wants to talk, HE is suffering, HE is being tortured not knowing what's gonna happen to us, HE needs to know, HE has something to say... Always. About. Him.
Well, I was at my breaking point. I told him.
I no longer have feelings for him.
He looked shocked. Got sad. Said again he had NO idea things were THIS bad. I should have let him know. ?????? I said what have I been trying to tell u for the last 3 years??! I've asked for 3 separations - why do people ask for separations?? He went on to ask if I've thought about the kids. How this will affect them, now coming from a broken home -especially since we adopted them and they've already "lost" a set of parents. That made me livid! Nice. How he used our little girls to persuade me??!!
He then talked money. Asked if I thought how we are going to afford 2 places. I said I HAVE been thinking about this. And what's best for the girls. To stay in this home, school district for normalcy and routine. But that I am completely stressed bc I will barely be able to stay here. And IF I can pull it off, I will b stressed about money and wouldn't even have an extra $10 to rent a movie!
He then said his therapist suggested a marital retreat. I'm thinking.... No. He said we should try to make this work. I need to give him a second chance. (Again, I'm thinking... SECOND?! Where the hell has he been???).
I said so, you suggest I stay in a loveless marriage where I no longer love u unconditionally and I don't receive that same unconditional love?? For the kids?? And what would we be teaching them? That THIS is a healthy marriage?
He moped the rest of the day. Said I NEED to help him to be a better father, husband and person. I'm thinking he STILL is asking more from me. What can I do for HIM?
He said how can I turn my back on him while he's reaching out to me. I said, it's not easy. Not at all. But u have turned your back on me for over 3 years as I repeatedly reached out to you. I have no more fight left in me for this marriage.
This morning he's all lovey dovey and passive. Asked if he could come and sleep back in our bed for the kids sake. Asked if we could renew our vows???? Literally I was speechless.
I wonder what is going on inside his head. I DO feel bad. He's is trying to NOW process what I've been struggling with for years. And yet he's still twisting things, pointing blame at what I should've, would've, could've done, and claiming I'm not upset or stressed over the whole situation. And he's still NOT giving me space. I've gone back to work 4 nights this past week after I cooked, fed and bathed the kids and worked until midnight - while he napped. I'd go to bed at 1 and he would THEN want to talk. Then he'd wake me early in the morning for more talking. I then worked after making breakfast today, from 10-3. On a Sunday! One week before Christmas. Which I'm hosting 19 ppl. Still have shopping to do. Have all the wrapping still to do.
And now I'm feeling sick. Sore throat, aches and pains, feverish. And I can't do a damn thing about it because HE left an hour ago to attend his office Christmas party!! He must be real broken up over this!!
And I will not be attending my office party Tuesday because I'm depressed, way behind on work and too tired to do just about anything.
Sorry for the rant. I'm at the end of my rope. I was slightly relieved when I let it out and felt bad. Thinking 22 years is ending. I felt broken. Then he gets all kooky on me again.
It is now December 20, 2013. My husband has been out of the house since November 10, 2013, via the permanent restraining order!
I guess my goal was met!
Godis - you've given a lot of food for thought. Ever since last Saturday when I told him I've got no feelings left, want a divorce - he has not said anything that irritated or hurt me all week. He's been tripping over himself to do things for me. Of course I'm now sick so he's been running errands after work, helping with some Christmas shopping, putting the kids to bed so I can go rest, he's continuing with his IC weekly, buying books she recommends - and reading them - and he's not a reader..... So this all makes me feel confused. When the kids wake up in the middle of the night, he comes up and asks if it's ok if he lays w them in our bed so I can stay on the couch and sleep - because I'm sick. But he'll say, if I'm not comfortable and don't want him upstairs he'll go back down. It's like he's bending over backwards to please me.
And yet I can't help but wonder will this last?
Tryin - thank you for the encouraging words :)
I'm so sorry your husband cursed at you like that. It's obvious he wasn't trying and never did the reading. It's inspiring that you set a goal and stuck with it. I'm amazed!
I set another goal that January I would go file. And yet he's being super (almost nauseatingly nice) The sad things is I've lost so much respect for him, have no loving feelings anymore either. So even IF this time the changes progress in a positive direction, where does that leave us and our marriage. He still needs to continue working on himself to be a good father for our girls. All his work will not have been for nothing even if we can't reconcile.
I wish the road thru all of this wasn't so damn long and hard. But it's inspiring to see people do make it through, can build themselves up again and be genuinely happy.... I long for that!