Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Yesterday, my husband did it again. Continued to badger me, asking what else he could do to get things on track. I said, yet again, I asked that we put our marriage on hold until after the holidays, give me some space, and each continue w IC.
That wasn't good enough for him. Never is. He badgers and badgers and wants to talk, HE is suffering, HE is being tortured not knowing what's gonna happen to us, HE needs to know, HE has something to say... Always. About. Him.
Well, I was at my breaking point. I told him.
I no longer have feelings for him.
He looked shocked. Got sad. Said again he had NO idea things were THIS bad. I should have let him know. ?????? I said what have I been trying to tell u for the last 3 years??! I've asked for 3 separations - why do people ask for separations?? He went on to ask if I've thought about the kids. How this will affect them, now coming from a broken home -especially since we adopted them and they've already "lost" a set of parents. That made me livid! Nice. How he used our little girls to persuade me??!!
He then talked money. Asked if I thought how we are going to afford 2 places. I said I HAVE been thinking about this. And what's best for the girls. To stay in this home, school district for normalcy and routine. But that I am completely stressed bc I will barely be able to stay here. And IF I can pull it off, I will b stressed about money and wouldn't even have an extra $10 to rent a movie!
He then said his therapist suggested a marital retreat. I'm thinking.... No. He said we should try to make this work. I need to give him a second chance. (Again, I'm thinking... SECOND?! Where the hell has he been???).
I said so, you suggest I stay in a loveless marriage where I no longer love u unconditionally and I don't receive that same unconditional love?? For the kids?? And what would we be teaching them? That THIS is a healthy marriage?
He moped the rest of the day. Said I NEED to help him to be a better father, husband and person. I'm thinking he STILL is asking more from me. What can I do for HIM?
He said how can I turn my back on him while he's reaching out to me. I said, it's not easy. Not at all. But u have turned your back on me for over 3 years as I repeatedly reached out to you. I have no more fight left in me for this marriage.
This morning he's all lovey dovey and passive. Asked if he could come and sleep back in our bed for the kids sake. Asked if we could renew our vows???? Literally I was speechless.
I wonder what is going on inside his head. I DO feel bad. He's is trying to NOW process what I've been struggling with for years. And yet he's still twisting things, pointing blame at what I should've, would've, could've done, and claiming I'm not upset or stressed over the whole situation. And he's still NOT giving me space. I've gone back to work 4 nights this past week after I cooked, fed and bathed the kids and worked until midnight - while he napped. I'd go to bed at 1 and he would THEN want to talk. Then he'd wake me early in the morning for more talking. I then worked after making breakfast today, from 10-3. On a Sunday! One week before Christmas. Which I'm hosting 19 ppl. Still have shopping to do. Have all the wrapping still to do.
And now I'm feeling sick. Sore throat, aches and pains, feverish. And I can't do a damn thing about it because HE left an hour ago to attend his office Christmas party!! He must be real broken up over this!!
And I will not be attending my office party Tuesday because I'm depressed, way behind on work and too tired to do just about anything.
Sorry for the rant. I'm at the end of my rope. I was slightly relieved when I let it out and felt bad. Thinking 22 years is ending. I felt broken. Then he gets all kooky on me again.
That wasn't good enough for him. Never is. He badgers and badgers and wants to talk, HE is suffering, HE is being tortured not knowing what's gonna happen to us, HE needs to know, HE has something to say... Always. About. Him.
Well, I was at my breaking point. I told him.
I no longer have feelings for him.
He looked shocked. Got sad. Said again he had NO idea things were THIS bad. I should have let him know. ?????? I said what have I been trying to tell u for the last 3 years??! I've asked for 3 separations - why do people ask for separations?? He went on to ask if I've thought about the kids. How this will affect them, now coming from a broken home -especially since we adopted them and they've already "lost" a set of parents. That made me livid! Nice. How he used our little girls to persuade me??!!
He then talked money. Asked if I thought how we are going to afford 2 places. I said I HAVE been thinking about this. And what's best for the girls. To stay in this home, school district for normalcy and routine. But that I am completely stressed bc I will barely be able to stay here. And IF I can pull it off, I will b stressed about money and wouldn't even have an extra $10 to rent a movie!
He then said his therapist suggested a marital retreat. I'm thinking.... No. He said we should try to make this work. I need to give him a second chance. (Again, I'm thinking... SECOND?! Where the hell has he been???).
I said so, you suggest I stay in a loveless marriage where I no longer love u unconditionally and I don't receive that same unconditional love?? For the kids?? And what would we be teaching them? That THIS is a healthy marriage?
He moped the rest of the day. Said I NEED to help him to be a better father, husband and person. I'm thinking he STILL is asking more from me. What can I do for HIM?
He said how can I turn my back on him while he's reaching out to me. I said, it's not easy. Not at all. But u have turned your back on me for over 3 years as I repeatedly reached out to you. I have no more fight left in me for this marriage.
This morning he's all lovey dovey and passive. Asked if he could come and sleep back in our bed for the kids sake. Asked if we could renew our vows???? Literally I was speechless.
I wonder what is going on inside his head. I DO feel bad. He's is trying to NOW process what I've been struggling with for years. And yet he's still twisting things, pointing blame at what I should've, would've, could've done, and claiming I'm not upset or stressed over the whole situation. And he's still NOT giving me space. I've gone back to work 4 nights this past week after I cooked, fed and bathed the kids and worked until midnight - while he napped. I'd go to bed at 1 and he would THEN want to talk. Then he'd wake me early in the morning for more talking. I then worked after making breakfast today, from 10-3. On a Sunday! One week before Christmas. Which I'm hosting 19 ppl. Still have shopping to do. Have all the wrapping still to do.
And now I'm feeling sick. Sore throat, aches and pains, feverish. And I can't do a damn thing about it because HE left an hour ago to attend his office Christmas party!! He must be real broken up over this!!
And I will not be attending my office party Tuesday because I'm depressed, way behind on work and too tired to do just about anything.
Sorry for the rant. I'm at the end of my rope. I was slightly relieved when I let it out and felt bad. Thinking 22 years is ending. I felt broken. Then he gets all kooky on me again.
You have nailed him - it's all about him. If he had the tiniest GENUINE care for you, he'd allow you the time you asked for until after the holidays. Or he'd at least allow you a decent night's sleep. But sleep deprivation is a remarkably common abusive tactic. As is the whole pretending they didn't know. They are ALWAYS blindsided, it doesn't matter how many conversations you have, it doesn't matter what goes on before hand, how many separations, what they have done, what you have done - they are always blindsided. Because control is at the heart of abuse, and many are also very cocky, so they believe that no matter what, they can always turn it around and make you stay.
He's just trying to do whatever it takes to get you to reconsider so the status quo can be maintained. He's managed it before so he'll try it again. And that's the other thing - in my view, one of the reasons abusers don't/can't change is that many of them simply cannot conceive of change being possible. And so something that worked in the past will work in the future - because not only do they not see themselves as capable of change, they don't see us as capable of change either. He just needs to find the right combination of buttons to press, like he did before, and you will abandon this silly notion of living your own life.
I'm really sorry for all the sleep deprivation, emotional blackmail and the rest. But please know that you are making the right decision for you AND for your kids. As you said, you don't want to model an abusive, loveless marriage to them. They deserve to know how strong and wonderful you are, rather than seeing an image of an increasingly broken and beaten down woman.
Take care.
Of course, when it affects him, when he's going to lose his victim/way of life/control, he's gonna pull out all the stops. And yes, as livn said, you've nailed the guy.
You're doing awesome, hang in there
I'm going to work on that Financial affidavit the atty gave me and just keep moving forward. No looking back. And right after the holidays I'm pursuing this. I am better than This. I deserve better than this. My girls deserve better than this. I am done.
The sleep deprivation is a b****. I would often get silent treatment all day but going to bed was somehow the cue to start a discussion :/ Sucks, and is an abusive behaviour sometimes not recognised as such. But think torture. That is exactly what it is.
Sending you hugs and good thoughts xx
I'm sooooo sorry for
the stress you're under
right now, and that you're
sick on top of it (which is
your immune system
under stress).
Please hang in. You're
moving in the direction
of you and your kids
living under a roof of
an abuse-free home.
GOOD for You and
for YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!!
Please take good care
of yourself, and get well.
Sending you hugs
and healing prayers.
Giggle - I tried to keep the peace and not make waves til after the holidays, but he's so damn stubborn and kept pushing and pushing me. And now we're dealing with this during the holidays.
Of course now that I'm sick, and after I had a meltdown last night which involved me flipping out because the garbage pail was overlfowing and I started pounding the garbage down with my hands and then kicked the pail :( My own behavior scared me and made me so sad and even more angry at him for getting me to this point.
He looked at me like I was crazy. Asking what he did wrong?! What happened during the day?! Why was I snapping at him?! I calmly just kept repeating, leave me alone. stop talking to me.
Then he became all apologetic, and was sorry i"m hurting so much, He said he'll leave to give me space and go to MY MOM's???? I was like, what?! You want to stay at MY MOM'S??? I said thats insane. He said he wants to give me my space but cant afford an apt.
He said he'll do whatever I need to help prep for the holidays, he let me go to bed after dinner and he took care of the kids and slept upstairs on the couch in case they woke up, which they mostly do nowadays. He wanted to check my temp, asked if I needed anything, he was nears tears and hugged me this morning and I tried to pull away and he said he doesn't wanna let go.
It's sad. But ya know what...he let go a long time ago while I was holding on. Now, Ive let go. For my own sanity and happiness and peace of mind for me and my girls.The whole situation is so twisted now.
That should get the message through his thick, abusive, manipulative, skull!
I guess I just don't WANT to believe he is this way. I WANT to believe he's a good person, who maybe is immature, insecure.
How do I tell the difference between him being sincere, and it just being for his selfish reasons? He asked me again to consider the marriage retreat his IC suggested... Any Thoughts on this???
Tantric - nice to see you - it's been a while.... Thank you for your support. It's been a long hard road, thats getting longer and even harder :(
Of course, you want him, your husband, to actually be a "good" person with some issues. You are a loving, supportive wife hoping to keep her marriage and family in tact.
I have no pearls of wisdom, but would suggest you do something. In my early times of doubt on here, Gem suggested I go back and re-read my earlier posts. And I did. I actually did it a couple of times. It gave me much clarity on my situation.
XOXO
Does he look to gain understanding? When someone cares about you they sincerely want to know how they hurt you in part to keep from reoffending. Does he accept your "no" and respond respectfully when you disagree? If you're not at peace with all these things IMO he isn't being sincere and any gestures on his part are self serving. This is on,y my opinion but I believe it is backed up by biblical principles. I highly recommend reading "Fool proofing your life" by Jan Silvious. It helps make what seems gray more black and white in dealing with sincerity among other things.
If he wasn't able to speak, what would his actions alone indicate to you?
Ignoring, very little words, pretending to be asleep, taking lots of long baths, doing lots of errands, getting together with girlfriends with no husbands allowed, watching MY tv shows downstairs while he was upstairs, sleeping in my daughters bedroom because his snoring kept me up...these are just some of my tactics to stay as far away from him physically and mentally.
This went on from June 2013 to November 2013...
I gave him so man chances just like you...It is the most painful, emotional, exhausting experience. I thought I would never see the light!
In August 2013, I set a goal to not be with him before the end of this year.
By September and day after day of arguing, I said we need to get divorced, this just isn't working. He promised to read the material I presented him with. It was a "Mans Workbook" about making serious behavioral changes. It was 2 chapters long. (about 20 pages) He read the first page. He said "this isn't me at all. You can go "F" yourself."
He then promised to read and make some serious changes...It lasted 2 days. Such a huge disappointment.
What did I really expect? From then on the abuse got much worse, and he was actually applying the lessons in the literature against me! WTF????
So, what you are feeling and doing are completely normal...YOU just need to trust your gut!
Believe in yourself...I sure do believe in you my friend..xo