I have been in this shit for 6 1/2 years. I hope today is a day in my history books. The last day of emotional and verbal abuse. Long story short the abuser and I have been on and off. This summer after he left me, I tried to get my life back together. I made plans with the friends I had basically put on the back burner and I tried to see the joy in everyday instead of the misery I am acustom to. In that time I made plans to drive 3 hrs to toronto to see my favorite band play in a concert with my pregnant married friend. Two weeks before the concert the abuser came back around. He demanded that I cancel the concert and leave my friend (who was very much looking forward to this) high and dry. He is living in New Jersey and I am in Michigan and he didn't feel comfortable with me staying in a hotel and didn't trust me. I told him I would cancel but the more I thought about it, I really wanted to go and had gone to great lengths to make the plans. Two days beore I left he got made at me for not picking up and moving to New Jersey when he snapped his fingers so I got called a lying betraying whore and mocked my crying when I begged him to treat me right and have compassion for me. Totally degrading and disrespectful. I even aked him to address the abuse and the way he has treated me the last six years before I moved out with him and he completely dismissed it. He told me that he would talk to me about it face to face about it when I got out there. And that he has no problem being nice to me a taking care of me as long as I change my phone number and move out with him and focus on him and our relationship. So he needed his needs met but didn't give a shit to even address mine.
So that leads me to today. He woudln't talk to me or answer my calls when I said I decided to go to the concert. I left him messages keeping him in the loop and when I got home from the concert so he would't flip. Still wouldn't answer or respond. I literally drove up there, saw the concert, cam back to the hotel with my pregnant friend and ordered room service, went to bed, got up the next morning and left. I did nothing and tried to talk to him the entire time. He finally decided he wanted to talk to me again to rip me apart. He told me that when I called him I sounded like a drunk whore, that I could have been doing awful sexual stuff with many men, that I'm gross, he can;t stand hearing my gross discusting voice, he will find someone better, I'm worthless and not worth his time or breath, he doesn;t care about me, and that I am a messed up person. There was much more but I can't remember everything off hand. He said I picked the concert over him and I will have to live with that for the rest of my life. That there are so many girls that would die to be with him and he will find someone that wants to treat him good. He told me to leave him the fuck alone and never contact him again. He will laugh about my pathetic life and that I will always be fucked up. HE said he can't care for me cuz I don't want to be cared for. All i have been asking for for almost seven years is for him to care for me. I feel so defeated and beat down. Now he wants nothing to do with me and can go live his life. He said he is moving forward and just wants me out of his life. I know I didn't do anything wrong but he is messing with my head! He is mad that he told me I couldn't go and I disrespected him and went anyways. I just don't think someone else should ever tell someone else what to do, that is not fair. Plus I wasn't doing anything!! He makes me feel like an alien walking the earth, like I am backwards on everything I think and do. How can I be that wrong!!! I always felt normal before him. He hung up on me and I haven't heard from him since. He has a very high regarded job in sports and makes tons of money. He is good looking and I know girls would love to have that life and status, while I get to go on normal and mediocre with the awful labels he has attached to me. I feel like no matter how much I learn and improve from this I will always be the shitty things he thinks in his mind. I am in therapy but its not curing this. Any advice or words of wisdom? He always abandons me and I call and manipulate to get him to talk to me and then I am deep in the abuse before I know it. I hate that he walks away and makes me feel insignificant and worthless. I don't want to call him because its humiliating, he treated me like dirt and told me to leave him the fuck alone. He wants to find someone else, someone better. I honestly feel worthless, and screwed up. How do I get past this? I am terrified, and the more I contact him the more I prove him right. I apologize for the ranting and language. anything would help, I am hopeless.