Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

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Robfed 08/21/2008

I have been in this shit for 6 1/2 years. I hope today is a day in my history books. The last day of emotional and verbal abuse. Long story short the abuser and I have been on and off. This summer after he left me, I tried to get my life back together. I made plans with the friends I had basically put on the back burner and I tried to see the joy in everyday instead of the misery I am acustom to. In that time I made plans to drive 3 hrs to toronto to see my favorite band play in a concert with my pregnant married friend. Two weeks before the concert the abuser came back around. He demanded that I cancel the concert and leave my friend (who was very much looking forward to this) high and dry. He is living in New Jersey and I am in Michigan and he didn't feel comfortable with me staying in a hotel and didn't trust me. I told him I would cancel but the more I thought about it, I really wanted to go and had gone to great lengths to make the plans. Two days beore I left he got made at me for not picking up and moving to New Jersey when he snapped his fingers so I got called a lying betraying whore and mocked my crying when I begged him to treat me right and have compassion for me. Totally degrading and disrespectful. I even aked him to address the abuse and the way he has treated me the last six years before I moved out with him and he completely dismissed it. He told me that he would talk to me about it face to face about it when I got out there. And that he has no problem being nice to me a taking care of me as long as I change my phone number and move out with him and focus on him and our relationship. So he needed his needs met but didn't give a shit to even address mine.
So that leads me to today. He woudln't talk to me or answer my calls when I said I decided to go to the concert. I left him messages keeping him in the loop and when I got home from the concert so he would't flip. Still wouldn't answer or respond. I literally drove up there, saw the concert, cam back to the hotel with my pregnant friend and ordered room service, went to bed, got up the next morning and left. I did nothing and tried to talk to him the entire time. He finally decided he wanted to talk to me again to rip me apart. He told me that when I called him I sounded like a drunk whore, that I could have been doing awful sexual stuff with many men, that I'm gross, he can;t stand hearing my gross discusting voice, he will find someone better, I'm worthless and not worth his time or breath, he doesn;t care about me, and that I am a messed up person. There was much more but I can't remember everything off hand. He said I picked the concert over him and I will have to live with that for the rest of my life. That there are so many girls that would die to be with him and he will find someone that wants to treat him good. He told me to leave him the fuck alone and never contact him again. He will laugh about my pathetic life and that I will always be fucked up. HE said he can't care for me cuz I don't want to be cared for. All i have been asking for for almost seven years is for him to care for me. I feel so defeated and beat down. Now he wants nothing to do with me and can go live his life. He said he is moving forward and just wants me out of his life. I know I didn't do anything wrong but he is messing with my head! He is mad that he told me I couldn't go and I disrespected him and went anyways. I just don't think someone else should ever tell someone else what to do, that is not fair. Plus I wasn't doing anything!! He makes me feel like an alien walking the earth, like I am backwards on everything I think and do. How can I be that wrong!!! I always felt normal before him. He hung up on me and I haven't heard from him since. He has a very high regarded job in sports and makes tons of money. He is good looking and I know girls would love to have that life and status, while I get to go on normal and mediocre with the awful labels he has attached to me. I feel like no matter how much I learn and improve from this I will always be the shitty things he thinks in his mind. I am in therapy but its not curing this. Any advice or words of wisdom? He always abandons me and I call and manipulate to get him to talk to me and then I am deep in the abuse before I know it. I hate that he walks away and makes me feel insignificant and worthless. I don't want to call him because its humiliating, he treated me like dirt and told me to leave him the fuck alone. He wants to find someone else, someone better. I honestly feel worthless, and screwed up. How do I get past this? I am terrified, and the more I contact him the more I prove him right. I apologize for the ranting and language. anything would help, I am hopeless.

Robfed 08/21/2008

Sorry for the spelling errors, I wrote that super fast and didn't recheck :)

deleted_user 08/21/2008

Our current situations are almost exactly alike! Its almost scary!
Listen to me honey, my boyfriend makes tons of money too, so I know how you feel! And people like this do tend to have a great life on the outside,but think about life behind closed doors! Think about how he is. Think about what the cost has been for you so far, to stay in this relationship.
Is having that money and that nice car really worth your sanity? Is it worth being degraded? Is it worth enduring the silent treatment? No. Its not. And the more pain and confusion you show him your in over his treatment of you, the worse and more frequent its going to become.
He is testing you right now. And he wont call until you stop calling him. Then he'll call and yell at you for not calling, and say that you obviously dont care for him, and blah blah blah. Dont fall for it.
If you cant break it off here and now. Make a plan. Set a time frame. Gather up all the information you can about emotional abuse and study it to the T. Recognize the signs. You'll begin to see that you start counting them up as he spews his garbage at you. And it will empower you. It will make you JUSTIFIABLY angrey. And when you find youself above his crap, the less and less you'll be reduced to sniffling and groveling for understanding. And the more indifference you show towards their comments to you, the more scared he will get. He will be nicer. If you leave, he'll try to win you back. And that is the cycled played out. When they go to far and YOU leave, then they play nice to get you back. Then they start the abuse all over again. When you begin to REALLY recognize this, you know you've got to leave.
It may take time, but small steps is better than no steps at all. You can do it.
Also, keep a journal. Write down everything in detail so you dont forget.Even the good stuff, so you can compare. And keep it hidden. You'll be fine. Much love to a fellow sufferer.

Robfed 08/21/2008

Thank you. The sad thing is, I'm still not sure he is abusive and that I didn't mess up along the way. This has warped my brain.

deleted_user 08/21/2008

reading your message brings back memories to me. i met my husband on line. i was living in the usa at the time, and he lived here in the uk. he was awful at times after we got married, he never treated me that way before we got married, but as soon as i was married he would play these head games on me. if we had an arugment on the phone or via texting or instant messaging, then he would go out for the day, have his mobile phone with him, he would let me ring it, and wouldnt pick up and then he would turn it off. and so if i called his home he wouldnt answer the phone eitehr. plus he wouldnt speak to me online, you know i should have told him to go to hell but i didnt know that before we got married. so i worked on getting my american citizenship to get him in the states. now all my family can see that he thought it would be an easy ride for him in the usa, that he wouldnt have to work, and i would keep him. and i did keep him for six months. then i said you have to get some work and he did odd jobs for friends.and then when his work permit came through he had to find a job. so he got a job he knew he would hate, and walked out one day. things between us got very bad. the head games were killing me.so all i could do in the end was take myself out of the situation. so i went and spent a weekend in a hotel. didnt tell hime where i was going but i did call my daughter, well she can be spiteful when she wants to be,so she told him i was in a hotel cos i had called her to let her know, i didnt want her to worry about me, but she said it to him to be spiteful. so he was upset with me for taking myself out of the situation. cos it wasnt a good situation to be in. when i went back on the saturday evening, he had left. he had flown back to the uk. and i didnt even know. i left it a couple of days and called him at his home ,and he was there. then he said something about the screen name he would have now if he got a new pc. so when i tried calling him later on, the line was continuosly busy. so i knew he had a pc. he didnt let me know that. so i typed in the new screen name he told me he would use and bingo he was online already. he hadnt been back in the uk for 12 hours. and he had a pc already.made me think he was looking for another fool. well we made up. and i got to working on me to move back to the uk too. so now i am back and he is still playing the same games. isnt it weird how they are so nice to you at first then they turn. and he has done that already. ok i have been back now for two years. and i wanted to move back here anyways. so i can be close to my family. but now its so hard, cos all we do is argue. he has taken off his wedding ring now.and he is so verbally abusive, and mentally. its hard to cope with. he is treating me like my mum used to when i was a child.well not just as a child. she treats me that way now too.and i am 46 now. i have had these minds games and abuse all my life. so its nothing new. but it does bring me down, and it makes me depressed. the other week, i thought it would be better if i wasnt here. but you know what, no man is worth that. he has money problems again. i keep bailing him out of it, but i will no longer give him cash. i will put money in his bank account, but not give him the money instead. cos he just farts it away. he has plenty of money from his wages and the money i give him, and he shouldnt be over drawn at the bank. and now they are charging him huge amounts of money. and this is only the middle of the month. hopefully the overtime he worked last month will get hm back in the red and still be able to pay all the bills. we have bought a house, and my name isnt on the mortgage, so i have to get advice on that now too. i am not moving out until we divorce and i get my share of the house. he says i am not getting a penny. we cant talk because he just starts yelling abuse at me. the only time i have any free time is when he is at work or when i walk my dog. but i am not taking his shit no more. so i wish you the best, and i am telling you about me cos i want you to know what i am going through, and i its alot like you. also is that pic of the husky, is that your dog ?

deleted_user 08/22/2008

Cold Turkey, Girl!
For your sanity, turn off any calls he sends you or e-mails or contact. Tell yourself you are worth respect, protection, and love that does not hurt. You deserve a man that would sacrifice for you!

Get involved in something daily that keeps you from feeling lonely. You are young and worth more than he has taught you!

Check in here from time to time to remember what it was like to be with him. Force yourself to read what you wrote here every time you come back into contact with him! You'll get past it faster than you though possible!

Hope you enjoy a lot of concerts in the future!

deleted_user 08/22/2008

He sounds SO much like my husband..it really is sickening isn't it? They just have to control every aspect of your life..if they can. I've only been married to a verbal/emotional abuser for 2 years (this is my 2nd marriage) and I am sick to my stomach over it most days. I am learning to stand up to him more and not play his little game..especially when I get ignored or treated rudely for no reason at all. I am secretly planning to finally get out of here. He has left about 5 times since our marriage and I always wanted him back..I have NO idea why! Hopefully you can get out and stay out for good too. I wish you luck.

Robfed 08/22/2008

Hi. Yes, that is a My Husky, Koda. I texted him last night and he called. He was very upset and told me if I will just admit how wrong I was for going to the concert that he will keep his door open for me one more day. Which gives me today to get on a flight to New Jersey and move. He said he willdo this because he cares for me and knows that if we both work on this it could work. Just earlier in the day he called me worthless and that he wanted to find someone better, and much much more. What the?? He wouldn't let me talk about anything cuz I am so in the wrong I have no right to say anything. He told me that if I am not out there by today he will change his number and call his mother and tell her that if he ever lets me back into his life to disown him to ensure that he will never give me another chance agin. He also told me that he isn't mad that I went to a concert but that I chose to go to a concert instead of moving to New Jersey with him. I coulnd't move out bythat date anyways, so this is so screwed!! Thank you for your own personal stories and advice. I am just so afraid to be totally cut off from him. That is the scariest situation I could imagine.

deleted_user 08/22/2008

What a bunch of low down garbage he said to you. You have to remember, no matter what you may or may not have done (no one is perfect), he has a CHOICE on how to treat you. He CHOOSES to act this way towards you. He's CHOOSING DELIBERATLEY to say these horrid things to you because he knows the effect it has on you. I understand that you feel you've brought it on yourself, but thats simply a result of him repeatedly telling you that. There was a time I felt the same way you did...but I knew that I was not doing the things he said I did. I knew I wasnt "on an emotional rollercoaster" for crying the many times he cut me down or cut me off. You've got to stand back from your situation and look at it through the eyes of the divine spiritual being that you really are. What does your soul tell you? Forget your brain, your soul knows the truth. Please be strong, please know and believe that you deserve MUCH better. I dont care what he has you believing that you've done. YOU DONT DERSERVE THIS. Much love!

jimmysquirrel 08/22/2008

robfed... what is it that you fear? Because you are staying with him because of your fears.. not only of him, but of other things too. Do you identify your reality though his eyes? Are you afraid to be single... so much so that you stay with someone why doesn't make you feel good, but makes you feel bad, the exact opposite of what a relationship should be!
If you identify your fears, you will know why you stay with someone why treats you like dirt.
now, looking at your fears is a hard thing to do... i know(firsthand), but if you want to know that what he is telling you is true or not, you have to see your fears so then you can see reality again.
He does not want you to see reality. He wants you under his control. he wants to keep you off-balance so that you won't know good advice when you hear it.
Now, he wants you to move out to NJ... so that he can have you more completely under his control. He wants you to be his slave... and i am not talking about the kinky S&M type. I am talking about how wants wants to rod you of your free will, rob you of your friends, your enjoyment, and hope. This is what he wants most of all. Because hope, to an abuser, is like raw meat to a wolf. they have to devour it(i think i am doing wolves a discredit by saying this). When they see that you have hope, it threatens their control of you. so they become more abusive, more demanding, and more illogical in an attempt to kill your hope again.
now, you are not afraid of having your hope killed, though it does confuse you why he does it. Again though... what is it that you fear?

Robfed 08/23/2008

That is such a good question. I think my fears are: abandonment, I feel like a loose part of myself when he leaves, losing before I gain his approval, and him leaving a finding someone better than me and being happy because I feel like I am eternally doomed. I think those are some of my fears related to this.

Robfed 08/26/2008

I left him. I told him I thought he was abusive and conrtolling and that I didn't want that for my future and I would NOT move with him.ln 6 1/2 years I have never ever said those words. And in fact I never allowed my self to be honest. I was always lying to dodge his reactions (which doesn't make it right). Even when I would finally agree with what he was doing, the way he thought, or allowing my boundries to be tramples...I was lying. Because I never ever thought what he was doing was ok.

When I told him that I was done he laughed. He told me to find someone better (he always said that when I addressed anything about him) and that I was the crazy one. He told me to never ever contact him again or he will put private pictures of us up on a myspace page for all to see. He then hung up on me and I haven't spoke to him since. I haven't called or texted (which I usually do) and he hasn't either. My question is...now what do I do? How in the hell do I move on from this? How do I let him? I am so scared that he will move on and be happy, isn't that awful? He is in training camp to play for a professional sports team. So in the next month or so he will be on tv and I don't know if I can handle that. Can anyone please offer me some advice or strength? COming back on this site really gave me the strength to stand up for myself. Anyone's thoughts would be nice.

deleted_user 08/26/2008

Stay strong! You did the right thing! Who cares if he finds someone else- actually I feel for the person he is going to find! YOU derserve happiness and a wonderful relationship!

Be proud of what you have been able to do!

deleted_user 08/26/2008

*hugs* I know how difficult it is. All I can do is offer you hugs, encouragement, and courage.

jimmysquirrel 08/26/2008

Don't watch sports, that is one thing, but mostly, CONGRATULATIONS! You have made a great step to improving your life, and now you have a chance to be happy. Now, you don't need to worry about him being happy, because even if he is successful and has some hot woman on his arm, an abuser is never happy, they live in hell always, and want who they are with to suffer more than them. don't worry about him.
Now, i know you fear this, but in order for you to be in a successful relationshipwith a non-abusive male, you are going to have to spend some time single. And work on yourself, a lot. Find a support group, if you can afford it, go to a head-doc, if not, go to a battered woman''s shelter and get them to help you with the counseling(ladies, is she able to do that?), but first and foremost you need to learn how to take care of yourself, because if you don't... you will be doomed to repeat this cycle over and over again.

deleted_user 08/26/2008

I think Jimmy's got it about right; how miserable and paranoid does this guy have to be if he can't even let you enjoy a weekend with an old friend?
And if he's trying to call you 'normal' and 'mediocre', really I'd say coming from someone like that you should be taking those things as a compliment - it means you're a woman with your own life who can think for herself!
If you could survive a loser like that for 6 years and get out, you'll manage the rest of your life just fine - just spend some time being good to yourself and figuring out what you want from life before you decide to share your time with anyone else.

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