Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
*WARNING: TRIGGER INDUCING CONTENT BELOW*
I know I'm sensitive to the things I read so I don't want to responsible for causing someone else to have a panic attack. So, I left my abuser the first week of October. For months I've been dealing with getting my life back together on my own. Of course family and friends haven't been there. I wouldn't say I have friends anymore. I was shocked at the lack of support I actually got when I finally got the courage to leave her. She had broken up with me numerous times before. It took everything in me to finally leave myself. And because I decided to leave, I was put through 5 hours of literal torture. She spit on me and my face, rubbed spit and snot all over my face and my clothes, strangled me to where I couldn't breathe normally for over a week, beat the crap outta me, would bent my fingers back if I didn't answer her questions right, broke my reading glasses, etc. It is hard for me to even write this stuff down but just to convey what I went through. I barely made it out alive. I rushed to get my stuff together in two hours while she was at work after I broke up with her. If she hadn't have had to go to work I don't know if I'd be here today. I can barely go to the grocery store without severe anxiety and panic. Every day is a waking nightmare full of depression and anxiety. The hardest part of this is when she wasn't abusing me, she was the most loving person I've ever been with- and my best friend. She was more like me in ways than anyone ever has been and our connection was beyond timeless and special. I know that sounds crazy after I just said what she put me throughbut it really is making it impossible to get over her and just move on. What's making it even harder is the lack of social support :(. I got used to being alone for awhile but now it's painfulI am embarrassed to reach out to strangers even online. I have read others posts all over the internet in the past to gain some insight but have shyed away from posting my ownfeel like now it's time. I'm in therapy at least and it's helping me to make small steps like this. I need help :(. Also, people haven't been as sensitive because I am a lesbian and this was a woman who abused me. Male "friends" I had thought it was "hot" (disgusting) and female "friends" wondered why I didn't fight back- which I did try to defend myself and it's beyond the point. No one seems to take it or my pain as seriously because of this. I'm so traumatized :(. I just want to be normal again. I don't know how I'm ever gonna get there. I'm just thankful I have a house again for now. I was homeless when this first happened for about a month- not the first time that happened either. Been homeless many times because of her. Sorry this is so f***** long...
I know I'm sensitive to the things I read so I don't want to responsible for causing someone else to have a panic attack. So, I left my abuser the first week of October. For months I've been dealing with getting my life back together on my own. Of course family and friends haven't been there. I wouldn't say I have friends anymore. I was shocked at the lack of support I actually got when I finally got the courage to leave her. She had broken up with me numerous times before. It took everything in me to finally leave myself. And because I decided to leave, I was put through 5 hours of literal torture. She spit on me and my face, rubbed spit and snot all over my face and my clothes, strangled me to where I couldn't breathe normally for over a week, beat the crap outta me, would bent my fingers back if I didn't answer her questions right, broke my reading glasses, etc. It is hard for me to even write this stuff down but just to convey what I went through. I barely made it out alive. I rushed to get my stuff together in two hours while she was at work after I broke up with her. If she hadn't have had to go to work I don't know if I'd be here today. I can barely go to the grocery store without severe anxiety and panic. Every day is a waking nightmare full of depression and anxiety. The hardest part of this is when she wasn't abusing me, she was the most loving person I've ever been with- and my best friend. She was more like me in ways than anyone ever has been and our connection was beyond timeless and special. I know that sounds crazy after I just said what she put me throughbut it really is making it impossible to get over her and just move on. What's making it even harder is the lack of social support :(. I got used to being alone for awhile but now it's painfulI am embarrassed to reach out to strangers even online. I have read others posts all over the internet in the past to gain some insight but have shyed away from posting my ownfeel like now it's time. I'm in therapy at least and it's helping me to make small steps like this. I need help :(. Also, people haven't been as sensitive because I am a lesbian and this was a woman who abused me. Male "friends" I had thought it was "hot" (disgusting) and female "friends" wondered why I didn't fight back- which I did try to defend myself and it's beyond the point. No one seems to take it or my pain as seriously because of this. I'm so traumatized :(. I just want to be normal again. I don't know how I'm ever gonna get there. I'm just thankful I have a house again for now. I was homeless when this first happened for about a month- not the first time that happened either. Been homeless many times because of her. Sorry this is so f***** long...
So your question, will the feeling ever go away?
My answer: Maybe. No quick fixes. It's up to you for if it gets better or not over time. I'm actually no more "social" than I used to be, that said, I'm much, much, much more happy. I've found my nitch.
Sweetie, I understand the feelings of aloneness. Spent many years trying to ease that feeling by staying married because it was better than being alone. Only it wasn't. After I left, I hung out w/someone who I thought was a friend but really wasn't because it was better than being alone. Only it wasn't. Being with someone isn't the answer.
The answer is going within and falling madly in love with yourself. I haven't gone back and reread all the responses. But I"m pretty sure I'll be repeating what others have said.
Please find a qualified therapist who specializes in, and has additional training in, trauma/abuse recovery. A good therapist can help you with the depression as well as help you rebuild your sense of self-worth, self esteem, self respect, confidence and self trust. Therapy will also help with easing the sense of loneliness. When we go outside of ourselves to find our happiness and to mask our loneliness, we are depriving ourselves of the ability of self fulfillment.
When you find that within yourself, you will be surprised to see that others will too.
A very wise therapist once told me that in order to have a healthy, respectful, loving relationship with another person, we must first have that with ourselves. It is the absolute truth.
It's no picnic going within and doing the "work." But it is the only way to heal and it's so very worth it.
Please take good care of you and give yourself the gift of time and effort to heal.