I'm starting to realize that this could've been narcissistic abuse, so anyone with experience to that it would be extremely helpful to get your insightI know she is borderline. She told me so when we were just friends. But any help or comments at all will be greatly appreciated, it took a lot for me to post this...

Hi,
I am glad you are here and sad for the reason you are here.
It takes a lot to post your story for people to see, but I am happy you did it, so you can get the support you deserve.
Being in a lesbian relationship has nothing to do with the fact you have endured abuse and are traumatized for it.
It could be narcissistic abuse, I cannot determine from here or evaluate her, but the moment you took action for yourself she attacked you to regain control. That's typical for abusers.
May I ask and you don't have to answer here, but how are you protected from her now? A restraining order? A complaint? Are you safe? I moved very far away from my abuser.
Finding the right therapist is crucial and there are many of us here I know who have not received empathy from close ones after the abuse.

Hello, I'm so sorry for what you've been through. Having the courage to reach out on here is a great step forward. I think you'll find this to be a warm supportive community, and it has helped me beyond words to know I am not alone. I recently left my husband of 10 years who I also believe is narcissistic, in addition to emotionally and sexually abusive. I will say that I share your fear of connecting with people, and I believe it is an effect of the abuse. Abusers put people down, undermine them in ways that are not always obvious. This erodes our self-esteem to the point that we're fearful of normal everyday interactions. At least that's how I feel.

I'm so sorry you've also been abused by "friends", I can only imagine how much worse that made you feel. It's confusing to share such a personal struggle, only to have people think it's "hot" or funny or anything else other than horrible and terrifying. She does sound very sick, and typical borderline behavior from what I've read. Hot/cold, jekyll/hyde type behavior.

If you like to read, another DS poster recommended to me the book In Sheep's Clothing and it opened my eyes to how many ways my husband abused me, since he was very covert with most of it. You are courageous and strong to leave her, and I hope it's the beginning of your journey to freedom from abuse. Hugs (((((((())))))))))

You came to the right place.

I presume you did not file charges with the police???

I'd go there today and still see if you can document anything.

I'd also join the PTSD group... I'm on there and you'll get a LOT of support in trying to heal from this.

The best thing you can do is to find out why you still entered into a relationship with someone, knowing full well that they are borderline. Not a criticism... just trying to help you peel back those layers to begin to heal.

I was there...

Hugs.

Welcome to the forum,
though I'm sorry for the
situation that brought
you here.

I'm also glad you're
in therapy.

Small steps are all
we can do and small
steps are also exactly
the best way to heal.

The other thing that
will help you enormously

. . . . . . is to practice
SELF-CARE

every day.

Self-care is the
antidote to
having been abused.

Just an observation
about the abuser you left. . . .

the act of strangling
is an act of
attempted murder.

I'm glad that you
value your life!!!!

Your life-force has
put you on the path
to safety and recovery.

Take good care.

Sending you hugs
and wishes for
healing and
happiness.

Although you have been through a horrible ordeal, you're free now. You did good! I agree with the other posters that taking care of yourself now is most important. I know it's hard to look back and not feel like there was something there, but anyone who could treat you this way didn't love you and never could love you.

Be incredibly kind to yourself. You've seen a situation for what it was and escaped successfully. I understand about friends not supporting you, but please know that you've got support here.

I hope you feel much better real soon. ((((Hugs))))

Thank you all for getting back to me

Woah I wrote a really long reply and it just posted a sentence of it. Hold on

So I'm gonna make this one much shorter cause my original comment didn't make it through for some reason, but I am safe now. I live in a different city and she doesn't know where I am. I didn't get a restraining order but I did try to file a police report. The problem was I waited a month to do that because of extreme fear of her and also worrying that I would go to jail to possibly endure more trauma because she had bruises on her from me defending myself. So because there was no evidence, they didn't even file a report. They did go talk to her. Who knows what she said. It's nice to know I'm not totally alone. It's really awesome to get all your replies. I haven't been able to get on here in a couple days. It's really nice to know I'm not the only one who doesn't have a strong support system after all of this from the people that are supposed to be there. It's nice to find this support system. I am so thankful for all of you right now. It's a hard pill to swallow that my friends were abusive too but it's true. And I'm starting to feel like I just need to come to terms with them, with my ex, with the abuse I went through before her and as a kid. I can't keep pretending like everything's ok only to go through this again. I think that's how it's kept happening. I've let it happen. I've been ok with it. It's been so painful to do that. To hold it all in. I can't make excuses for people anymore. My ex would convince me (even though at times that took hours) every time that her abusing me was my fault, convinced me any time I reached out for help that I was a burden to everyone around me. She'd say things like "no wonder no one wants to be around you or be your friend." "Stop with the pity party." "Poor you.' "Go cut yourself." "Go do a line the size of your arm." She was really cruel regarding my depression, anxiety, substance abuse and just mental illness issues in general. I felt like I had to be perfect. Of course no human being can do that. It's like daydreamer73 said- what abusers do to erode our self-esteem. And by the way daydreamer73, I'm really happy for you that you left your abuser too. I'm sure it took a lot of courage to leave after so long but I really, really hope you left for good too and will never ever go back. You don't deserve abuse of any kind and it makes me sad to hear your ex put you through those things. You're gonna be ok. Stay strong and lots of hugs to you.

So yea needless to say after her constant emotional/verbal abuse in addition to the physical and everything else, and the lack of support/abandonment and abuse by "friends" I really felt like I couldn't turn anywhere. It did take a lot to reach out here but I'm glad I did. I did join the PTSD group. I have been practicing self-care and more than I ever have in my life. I'm finally at a place where I don't want to destroy myself- which is big for me. I have tried to kill myself more times than I can count. I spent high school taking as much drugs as I could every day to die. I tried to kill myself after this happened. I couldn't comprehend being so alone in the world especially after what I just went through. And I thought I did the right thing by leaving her. My friends reactions on top of it all hurt so much...I want to get better someday. I want to take care of myself and love myself somehow someday cause that's the best I can do. That goes back and forth though, I'm still struggling a lotsome days I feel totally self-destructive. Some days I barely move. But I'm trying for the first time in my life. I've had many relationships with sick people and I do need to figure this out. I know I'm sick too. That's a huge part of it I think. ileneW, any tips for self-care? Anything you do that helps? Or anyone else for that matter? Any recommendations for anxiety related to this? I'm trying really hard not to take meds and work on healing holistically but I welcome suggestions for those too- and I must make clear that I have nothing against them and no judgment whatsoever towards anyone who uses meds. I have taken them in the past. Also, ileneW, when you put it that waythat what she did was attempted murder. I appreciate you putting it that way and being straight up I need that because I still get caught up in feeling like it's my fault she lost it, or it's not her fault because she was abused, or my mind's favorite assumption: that she has a entity attachment and a dark spirit is causing her to act like thisbefore you think I'm schizophrenic (not that there's anything wrong at all with people who are one of my dear friends is), I am very spiritual and consulted several psychics about her and all of them said she had an entity attachment. I kept holding onto the hope that she'd heal from it, that she would get it removed once and for all, etc. I kept holding onto hope because when she was well about half of the time we were working so hard on healing together. On doing yoga and meditation together. Anger management class together. But I do have to accept cause here I go again, that she tried to kill me. And that's never ok and I know she's very capable of it. The first time she got physical with me she held a sword to my throat. She's stabbed me with her keys, she's forced me into her house with an icepick. I need to start seeing that relationship for what it was and I'm baaarely starting to come out of all of the brainwashingI'm gonna keep trying my best to take care of myself even on the days I feel like shutting downI just hope I can function somewhat normally again one dayI'm really terrified of starting over. It still barely feels real. That I even have a place of my own again where I can be safe and she won't break down my door. Thanks again all of you so much for your replies lots of hugs to you and I hate to hear that any of you experienced abusive relationships too but I'm so happy you all lived through them and hope none of you go back to your abusers or end up in that situation againit is true hell on Earth. I'm ready for some peace. Somehow someday. I do meditate and do yoga for at least half an hour every day. It took me the longest time to give either of those a try but I went to school for Holistic Health & Healing and after awhile really embraced bothI don't think I knew how to feel good before WITHOUT feeling bad. I'd turn to drugs which of course made everything worse even though they helped temporarily. I don't know what I'd do without both though. Seriously. Slowly but surely they're changing my life. For the first month after this happened I couldn't believe I was alive. I didn't want to be. I just hope I can at least barely keep my head above water in my depression, I need to pick myself up this time somehow

Actually ended up being longer I think, sorry to those who don't like reading a lot I appreciate anyone who does and who read my initial post

There's never a need to
apologize for what you
write, in regards to
length. This is a
safe community
and we want to
hear your thoughts.

Here's a tip in regards
to not losing a long
reply, It's something
I do 90 percent of the
time, especially when
I've spent lots of time
on something I've
been writing. It only
takes a couple seconds
and has saved me much
aggravation.

Highlight what you've
written and then do
a "copy" operation.

Most of the time, you
never have to "paste"
it anywhere. It's just
for "insurance," in
case anything goes
wrong, anywhere
along the line. If
nothing goes wrong,
the material you've
copied eventually
goes away. But if
something happens
to what you were
hoping to post,
just open a new
box and paste
what you copied.

In regards to your
question about
self-care, this is
a really busy
morning for me
and I don't have
time to write what
I'd like. First, do
a search here and
elsewhere, about
self-care, because
there's much written.

A nutshell reply for
today, is that self-care
entails anything that
promotes and/or
maintains your
overall well-being
and feeling the
best you can.

Self-care can be
anything from a
spa day to flossing
your teeth. It can be
spending an afternoon
with your best friend
or spending an
afternoon doing
paperwork to make
sure your bills are
paid and your taxes
are calculated. It
can be kissing your
dog or cat or taking
your car in for an
oil change. It can
be listening to your
favorite CD or
listening to feedback
about something
that might be
uncomfortable to
hear.

Tomorrow, unless anyone
does it before me, I'll do a
search to find relevant threads
on D.S. and elsewhere.

Take good care!

I am only quickly checking in this morning, but here is link to a post I did on self care a while back. I hope it helps.

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical_Emotional_Abuse/forum/17448271-we-focus-expands

Hugs to you! You are not alone here and I can totally empathize with what you are going through. I am sorry that this has happened to you. It sucks that I think it is way more difficult to get over an abuser that it would be a normal healthy relationship. however, reaching out is the first step. I wish I could tell you that everything will be fine and you will get over them quickly but I can't. What I can tell you is that you deserve better. People can have double standards when it comes to same sex relationships, but abuse is abuse and should not be considered "hot". Fighting back with an abuser is futile too. I think you know what the best thing to do is. You just have to make your heart fall in line because if you continue this cycle she could break you down so bad, you won't have a heart to care for emotionally or physically.

Thank you for the replies guys. I have been so depressed the past couple months, isolating, and in school, it has been hard for me to find any energy to do very much besides school due to my PTSD. Which has made me even more depressed and lonely. I appreciate the feedback, and thread about self-care. This is all good for me to read cause I've really been missing her lately. We do have a lot in common- meeting her made me feel not alone anymore. Something I've felt my whole life. I'm starting to think that feeling will never go away