Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I feel pretty silly asking for advice, and many people will probably reply to this saying that it isn't abuse, that I have caused my own problems and that this is something entirely different. If that's the truth (that's how I feel anyway) just let me know and I'll accept that.
I've been in a long distance relationship for about 2 and 1/2 years now. He started out being great; he was nice, easy to talk to, understanding, saw my side on things, and we could talk about anything. I had planned to go there. We talked all the time. We got along so great. Soon into it, he started saying or doing little things to try to control me. An example is that he "jokingly" would tell me that I could not sleep until he said I could....and this turned into him truly meaning that I could not sleep until he allowed it. He would get mad at me (to the point of stonewalling, calling me names, ignoring me to "teach me a lesson"). I would have a morning class at 9 and get to bed around 4 or 5. I was so exhausted at times that I could not think...yet he would say that I was "always tired" and that I "slept too much" and that when he let me go to bed, I still had headaches, so he "shouldn't have" let me go to bed since it did nothing.
I thought this was all my fault. I thought I had done things wrong to make him act that way. I blamed myself and tried to do better, by doing what he wanted. I would sacrifice sleep, studying, eating, and I gave up doing anything with a friend because he felt like I was not giving him enough time. I did his homework at his request. He would e-mail me his math homework and tell me to make powerpoint presentations on things...and it saved me a day or two from having to deal with him at times. I expected him to be happy and reward me with kindness, but instead he just gave me more work later on. Usually he would say thank you, but not always, and he would complain about having to write down anything I had typed up. I tried to be friends with his other person (they were very two-faced) at his request, though I did not want to.
No matter what I did, there would always be cycles of nice / cruel. The namecalling and yelling got really bad. He says he's tried to get better about the anger, but he still takes a lot out on me. It's hard for me to describe the amount that he puts me down. It's in every conversation. Sometimes it's in every sentence...how I am bad, a failure, a coward, worthless, retarded, defective, dumb, stupid, "womanly". He has called me every name in the book and gone to creative lengths to insult me. He used to call me fat and comment on my looks, but he listened to me eventually after a long while of telling him repeatedly how much this hurt me. When I cry from insults, he sighs and goes "here we go again" or calls me a baby, or imitates my sobs.
We used to play an online game together to spend time together. I wanted to stop playing, and he guilt-tripped me, threatened me, and used other people's input against me. I was allowed to stop playing when he stopped playing. This, combined with the very little sleep (he could sleep in as his classes were later on, if he decided to go at all) and the fact that he hated for me to do my homework or study...so I only got a chance to do those things when he allowed me to, usually when he fell asleep finally at 4-5 am. I failed a few classes and am in an awful situation now where I am running out of time to finish my degree (my classes will start to expire soon since I have taken so long to finish, and my job as a teaching assistant will not be renewed because of this...although I know I can find other work, and it would be better for me to do so, I know he's going to be angry when he finds out).
I have lied about being done with classes and finishing my degree. I lied because he said I would never finish and that I couldn't do it...eventually I wanted him to be wrong so badly that I told him differently and I make up an excuse anytime I need to be at the university for not answering my phone. You might wonder how I'm able to pull this off...and it's VERY difficult. If I get caught, he will be angry.
He says he's tired of waiting and that I've lied about going there (I keep saying I will so that he'll stop badgering me...but it doesn't help). He says I've lied because I haven't gone. He says next week he's coming to get me. I'm scared. I don't want to go. I'm afraid to refuse, afraid this is all my fault, afraid I have ruined his life like he claims and that I should just go to make up for it.
He calls me a lying b**ch and a lunatic.... I feel I have lied for survival. I never WANTED to lie, but I felt I had no choice. I do feel like I am crazy. He will be nice, tell me all the justifications and reasoning for his treating me as he does...tell me he is sorry, that he doesn't mean it, that he's stressed... but he'll do it again and again. I feel like there's something wrong with me for staying. I honestly believe this. I expect to be called names now from other people. I hate arguments and fly into a frenzy of backing down and defending myself (in a not-so-normal way...more of a "there's something up with her" way). I feel like I am a bad person because he tells me that I am. I feel like I am unlovable because I have tried so hard and talked to him countless times about the cheating (he does not see it as cheating he says) yet he still does it to me.
I have cut and thought long and hard about suicide on many occasions because I feel so depressed. I've broken up with him many times and then backed down out of fear, and he has broken up with me many times....but he always will act as if we never broke up a few days later, and be SO NICE AND UNDERSTANDING to me...and later revert. He will not stop calling me. My cell phone is one such that I can't block numbers. Eventually I feel guilty and answer a text or a call, and then regret it.
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Here is more information, but the above is all that is really necessary to know for my question, I suppose.
He has pressured me for many things...and one included a webcam. I did not want to get a webcam. I told him I would, but I put it off. He was very angry. I lied about it and told him I had ordered one so that he would stop calling me names one night....but he found out and he mailed me one of his. At first, I thought I had been silly about it...but then he wanted to see more. Late one night (~4 am) I was so tired of being insulted. He said he would break up with me if I didn't show him, so after a while of crying and telling myself it was just skin, I did. He has pictures. I tried to keep my face out of the frame. He promised he would never show these to anyone else, and as possessive as he is of me, I actually believe it. He hates anyone who is "too friendly" towards me. He sees me as "his", "his woman". I don't like that he has these things of me...and I never used to be this kind of girl. I'm ashamed of myself, and I didn't want to do it.
He is bisexual. I do not have anything against gay people, or any variation thereof, but when he told me this, I understood it to only mean that he had bisexual preferences....not that he was allowed to be in a relationship with a guy while being in one with me. I also did not take this to mean that he already has a relationship with a guy (for about 6 years) and had lied about being single. I found out the truth when his "other person" ran away (left their job suddenly, apartment suddenly, skipped out on the cell phone plan with his roommate, and vanished). He was upset, told me everything, and promised me it was over. It actually wasn't the first time that other person had run away...and they came back, and he took them back as I found out a few weeks later. He refused to talk to me about it and would get angry when I tried to talk to him about it saying that it wasn't my business.
I stayed because I thought, foolishly, that if he saw how much I loved and cared for him and how great I was to him, that he'd leave the other person for me. I tried to be as nice as possible to both of them. This was met with hatred by the other person. Any detail of anything that I shared was twisted and used against me. Behind my back, his other would call me names. I was sent mean / angry e-mails. When I tried to spend time together, the other would show up suddenly to crash it. He did this with my birthday, even though I would only get a few hours due to a final that I had to study for the next day. My bf gave me a choice: that I say up and wait for him to drive the other home or leave and the other stays. It was 4-5 am (I cannot remember) but I stayed....and I was stupid to do so. The other was taken to Las Vegas for four days for their birthday.
For a while I pretended this wasn't happening so that I could go on. I still had hope that if I was good to him, that he would leave the other for me. The other would do outrageous things...like when they stole grocery money from him and bought cds with it (they have a spending problem and refuse to stop buying things or get help). He did nothing. They currently have a cell phone plan together and dogs and cats together, which my bf takes care of (the other does not care for animals, but just wanted them). The other says that they will remove their pets from his house if I move in (what my bf wants), so that the animals will not have a chance to like me...
He treats us very different. There are few times where the other ever gets "in trouble" and nothing like the way I do. If I miss a few calls, my bf feels I deserve to be called names and yelled at and made fun of and made to cry. Feels I deserve to be threatened and put down. The other went over to my bf's house and stormed out one time when he saw that my bf was talking to me on the phone. I was told as this happened. A few minutes later, he reappeared and it seemed like my bf could no longer hear me on the phone. I had to figure out what was happening... I was later told that he meant to hang up on me (and he would usually hang up on me when the other came over and we were talking). They had sex. I heard it. I cried and called his roommate (I had no one to talk to who would understand this).
He has a string of friends who hate me...not for what or who I really am, but for what he makes me out to be in complaining to them. This and, most of his friends who are male are gay...and the females somehow always want to date him. He sometimes hides the fact that he has relationships from people whom seem interested in him. He says that since I am long distance, he doesn't have to be faithful ( "because you don't love me enough to come here" ). He says he has been faithful though, besides the other relationship that he has....
He has threatened on numerous occasions to sleep with other women. Usually it is if I don't do something.
He has threatened to kill me if I defy him, but says now that he was just talking out of anger.
I got involved with him when I had no self esteem. I trusted him and told him my entire dating past. He now uses it against me.
I've been in a long distance relationship for about 2 and 1/2 years now. He started out being great; he was nice, easy to talk to, understanding, saw my side on things, and we could talk about anything. I had planned to go there. We talked all the time. We got along so great. Soon into it, he started saying or doing little things to try to control me. An example is that he "jokingly" would tell me that I could not sleep until he said I could....and this turned into him truly meaning that I could not sleep until he allowed it. He would get mad at me (to the point of stonewalling, calling me names, ignoring me to "teach me a lesson"). I would have a morning class at 9 and get to bed around 4 or 5. I was so exhausted at times that I could not think...yet he would say that I was "always tired" and that I "slept too much" and that when he let me go to bed, I still had headaches, so he "shouldn't have" let me go to bed since it did nothing.
I thought this was all my fault. I thought I had done things wrong to make him act that way. I blamed myself and tried to do better, by doing what he wanted. I would sacrifice sleep, studying, eating, and I gave up doing anything with a friend because he felt like I was not giving him enough time. I did his homework at his request. He would e-mail me his math homework and tell me to make powerpoint presentations on things...and it saved me a day or two from having to deal with him at times. I expected him to be happy and reward me with kindness, but instead he just gave me more work later on. Usually he would say thank you, but not always, and he would complain about having to write down anything I had typed up. I tried to be friends with his other person (they were very two-faced) at his request, though I did not want to.
No matter what I did, there would always be cycles of nice / cruel. The namecalling and yelling got really bad. He says he's tried to get better about the anger, but he still takes a lot out on me. It's hard for me to describe the amount that he puts me down. It's in every conversation. Sometimes it's in every sentence...how I am bad, a failure, a coward, worthless, retarded, defective, dumb, stupid, "womanly". He has called me every name in the book and gone to creative lengths to insult me. He used to call me fat and comment on my looks, but he listened to me eventually after a long while of telling him repeatedly how much this hurt me. When I cry from insults, he sighs and goes "here we go again" or calls me a baby, or imitates my sobs.
We used to play an online game together to spend time together. I wanted to stop playing, and he guilt-tripped me, threatened me, and used other people's input against me. I was allowed to stop playing when he stopped playing. This, combined with the very little sleep (he could sleep in as his classes were later on, if he decided to go at all) and the fact that he hated for me to do my homework or study...so I only got a chance to do those things when he allowed me to, usually when he fell asleep finally at 4-5 am. I failed a few classes and am in an awful situation now where I am running out of time to finish my degree (my classes will start to expire soon since I have taken so long to finish, and my job as a teaching assistant will not be renewed because of this...although I know I can find other work, and it would be better for me to do so, I know he's going to be angry when he finds out).
I have lied about being done with classes and finishing my degree. I lied because he said I would never finish and that I couldn't do it...eventually I wanted him to be wrong so badly that I told him differently and I make up an excuse anytime I need to be at the university for not answering my phone. You might wonder how I'm able to pull this off...and it's VERY difficult. If I get caught, he will be angry.
He says he's tired of waiting and that I've lied about going there (I keep saying I will so that he'll stop badgering me...but it doesn't help). He says I've lied because I haven't gone. He says next week he's coming to get me. I'm scared. I don't want to go. I'm afraid to refuse, afraid this is all my fault, afraid I have ruined his life like he claims and that I should just go to make up for it.
He calls me a lying b**ch and a lunatic.... I feel I have lied for survival. I never WANTED to lie, but I felt I had no choice. I do feel like I am crazy. He will be nice, tell me all the justifications and reasoning for his treating me as he does...tell me he is sorry, that he doesn't mean it, that he's stressed... but he'll do it again and again. I feel like there's something wrong with me for staying. I honestly believe this. I expect to be called names now from other people. I hate arguments and fly into a frenzy of backing down and defending myself (in a not-so-normal way...more of a "there's something up with her" way). I feel like I am a bad person because he tells me that I am. I feel like I am unlovable because I have tried so hard and talked to him countless times about the cheating (he does not see it as cheating he says) yet he still does it to me.
I have cut and thought long and hard about suicide on many occasions because I feel so depressed. I've broken up with him many times and then backed down out of fear, and he has broken up with me many times....but he always will act as if we never broke up a few days later, and be SO NICE AND UNDERSTANDING to me...and later revert. He will not stop calling me. My cell phone is one such that I can't block numbers. Eventually I feel guilty and answer a text or a call, and then regret it.
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Here is more information, but the above is all that is really necessary to know for my question, I suppose.
He has pressured me for many things...and one included a webcam. I did not want to get a webcam. I told him I would, but I put it off. He was very angry. I lied about it and told him I had ordered one so that he would stop calling me names one night....but he found out and he mailed me one of his. At first, I thought I had been silly about it...but then he wanted to see more. Late one night (~4 am) I was so tired of being insulted. He said he would break up with me if I didn't show him, so after a while of crying and telling myself it was just skin, I did. He has pictures. I tried to keep my face out of the frame. He promised he would never show these to anyone else, and as possessive as he is of me, I actually believe it. He hates anyone who is "too friendly" towards me. He sees me as "his", "his woman". I don't like that he has these things of me...and I never used to be this kind of girl. I'm ashamed of myself, and I didn't want to do it.
He is bisexual. I do not have anything against gay people, or any variation thereof, but when he told me this, I understood it to only mean that he had bisexual preferences....not that he was allowed to be in a relationship with a guy while being in one with me. I also did not take this to mean that he already has a relationship with a guy (for about 6 years) and had lied about being single. I found out the truth when his "other person" ran away (left their job suddenly, apartment suddenly, skipped out on the cell phone plan with his roommate, and vanished). He was upset, told me everything, and promised me it was over. It actually wasn't the first time that other person had run away...and they came back, and he took them back as I found out a few weeks later. He refused to talk to me about it and would get angry when I tried to talk to him about it saying that it wasn't my business.
I stayed because I thought, foolishly, that if he saw how much I loved and cared for him and how great I was to him, that he'd leave the other person for me. I tried to be as nice as possible to both of them. This was met with hatred by the other person. Any detail of anything that I shared was twisted and used against me. Behind my back, his other would call me names. I was sent mean / angry e-mails. When I tried to spend time together, the other would show up suddenly to crash it. He did this with my birthday, even though I would only get a few hours due to a final that I had to study for the next day. My bf gave me a choice: that I say up and wait for him to drive the other home or leave and the other stays. It was 4-5 am (I cannot remember) but I stayed....and I was stupid to do so. The other was taken to Las Vegas for four days for their birthday.
For a while I pretended this wasn't happening so that I could go on. I still had hope that if I was good to him, that he would leave the other for me. The other would do outrageous things...like when they stole grocery money from him and bought cds with it (they have a spending problem and refuse to stop buying things or get help). He did nothing. They currently have a cell phone plan together and dogs and cats together, which my bf takes care of (the other does not care for animals, but just wanted them). The other says that they will remove their pets from his house if I move in (what my bf wants), so that the animals will not have a chance to like me...
He treats us very different. There are few times where the other ever gets "in trouble" and nothing like the way I do. If I miss a few calls, my bf feels I deserve to be called names and yelled at and made fun of and made to cry. Feels I deserve to be threatened and put down. The other went over to my bf's house and stormed out one time when he saw that my bf was talking to me on the phone. I was told as this happened. A few minutes later, he reappeared and it seemed like my bf could no longer hear me on the phone. I had to figure out what was happening... I was later told that he meant to hang up on me (and he would usually hang up on me when the other came over and we were talking). They had sex. I heard it. I cried and called his roommate (I had no one to talk to who would understand this).
He has a string of friends who hate me...not for what or who I really am, but for what he makes me out to be in complaining to them. This and, most of his friends who are male are gay...and the females somehow always want to date him. He sometimes hides the fact that he has relationships from people whom seem interested in him. He says that since I am long distance, he doesn't have to be faithful ( "because you don't love me enough to come here" ). He says he has been faithful though, besides the other relationship that he has....
He has threatened on numerous occasions to sleep with other women. Usually it is if I don't do something.
He has threatened to kill me if I defy him, but says now that he was just talking out of anger.
I got involved with him when I had no self esteem. I trusted him and told him my entire dating past. He now uses it against me.
Why do I say this? Because I have just left an emotionally, verbally and sexually abusive relationship which I was in for 16 years. Please do yourself a favour and get out now.
Take care and God bless.
The title of your thread
is that you don't know what to do.
You need to go NO CONTACT.
Get connected with the nearest
women's center or other mental
health professional. If you fear
for your physical safety, call the
police.
NO CONTACT.
NO CONTACT.
NO CONTACT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
good care of you and get to a shelter and if necessary, call the police.
Hugs
You should change your number and block him from everything you can like skype or e-mail and stuff like that, so he has no way of contacting you. And don't contact him, when your thinking about it just re-read the horrible things he has done, remember all the bad stuff, push the good things he has done out of your mind because no amount of good things can ever erase the horrible things he has done.
You do not deserve any of it! You deserve so much more!
He would cheat on you even if you were living with him.
All of your grievances are valid, and don't let him make you think other wise.
I lied for survival a few times and my ex made me feel crazy too, I tried so hard the first year and he would keep telling me he has tried so hard and that I am the problem. Reality is he on purpose caused problems and would use persistent character assassination and covert low blows to wind me up and then tell everyone I yelled at him all the time. Its all mind games and the only way to deal with it is to do no contact.
The guilt-trips make it really hard to go no-contact. I feel bad right now for him having to go to his best friend's wife's funeral (she died in her sleep this week). A few days later he was yelling at me on the phone and I told him that my aunt had a heart attack (it was minor and she is okay thankfully) and his response was "I'm SO sorry you had a minor tragedy. Look at everything I have to deal with! It's nothing compared to what I have to deal with."
I don't really understand why I always feel so guilty...I think he is just really good at what he does. I know I'm not a completely stupid person (in every facet, that is), so I don't understand why I keep getting tricked. Is there someone / somewhere I can talk about things? (As in something that will not cause a stir or bother anyone. I know that talking about my problem here tends to wear down people...talking / thinking about it even exhausts me.)
I too was in a long distance relationship with my abusive ex for 8 years, so I know what I'm talking about and also can identify with how you fight for time putting him off from promises you've made whilst being manipulated.
Unfortunately because of the distance my ex was able to keep up the honeymoon period for years before I was able to suss it out. He also managed to get me to beleive he had become abusive because I had not gone to live with him in his city as I'd promised In the early days of the relationship when he was putting the pressure on for me to move there I had the perfect excuse in the fact I had 3 teens who I did not want to upset their lives and maybe eventually when they were reared and off my hands I'd go. Looking back my instinct was telling me he was really a baddie no matter how loving he appeared so therefore was putting him off to keep myself safe, even if it was unconciouslly, listen to that instinct and don't feel guilt about it.
I went no contact by changing e-mail and phone numbers and it was the distance that helped me, easier to get away and stay away from him, of course his stalking me on internet and writing tons of letters to my neighbours continued and still didnt stop with legal intervention, eventually he got fed up but it took 2 years, silly friends and family beleive it must be cause he still loved me, but the girls on this board all know different, because we've educated ourselves to narc abusers, its the only way to overcome one of these types. Get educated about his disorder whilst going no contact.
As crazy as it sounds, I am wondering what I'm going to do in terms of getting past this and getting along without him. I feel so very lonely right now.
Support groups help.
This forum helps.
A loving friend helps.
It's not easy, but healing happens.
Sending you healing thoughts.