Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So here we go.
I'm new to the group so I thought i'd just jump in with some of this.
I know there are some far worse situations, but maybe this will help someone along the way and maybe i can get some advice.
I was dating a woman for five years. Now within those five years she destroyed quite a bit of me. She was very mentally abusive, always making me feel low, like i wasn't good enough for someone else. I began to believe it. She was also quite physically abusive. Around the end of the relationship, I got home from work (I worked two full time jobs plus college full time and she didn't hold down a single one), the dishes needed to be done and i guess I had just had it and told her off when she ordered me to do the dishes. Next thing i know, I had a fork in my shoulder. That tore it for me...that was it.
After that relationship i found myself dating women who treated me much better, but i didn't have much of a connection with them.
In February I met a woman who is now my current girlfriend. Things were pretty decent to begin with. there was no violence beyond a little shove or light love tap. There was no insulting or anything. But nowadays things get carried away. I honestly dont' believe she means to do this because when i bring it to her attention she normally stops. She gets carried away with things like poking, punching, pinching, it gets to the point where i end up with bruises and once she ended up nailing me in the eye with a keychain and I had to get that eye repaired surgically. She never means to do these things, even the keychain was while we were horsing around a bit. My problem is, I don't ever touch her in this way and I'm trying to figure out how to get the message or help her understand where the line is. It isn't often and never happens in a fight...so please don't jump on judging her. I just don't think she understands and I'm not sure how to explain it.
I'm new to the group so I thought i'd just jump in with some of this.
I know there are some far worse situations, but maybe this will help someone along the way and maybe i can get some advice.
I was dating a woman for five years. Now within those five years she destroyed quite a bit of me. She was very mentally abusive, always making me feel low, like i wasn't good enough for someone else. I began to believe it. She was also quite physically abusive. Around the end of the relationship, I got home from work (I worked two full time jobs plus college full time and she didn't hold down a single one), the dishes needed to be done and i guess I had just had it and told her off when she ordered me to do the dishes. Next thing i know, I had a fork in my shoulder. That tore it for me...that was it.
After that relationship i found myself dating women who treated me much better, but i didn't have much of a connection with them.
In February I met a woman who is now my current girlfriend. Things were pretty decent to begin with. there was no violence beyond a little shove or light love tap. There was no insulting or anything. But nowadays things get carried away. I honestly dont' believe she means to do this because when i bring it to her attention she normally stops. She gets carried away with things like poking, punching, pinching, it gets to the point where i end up with bruises and once she ended up nailing me in the eye with a keychain and I had to get that eye repaired surgically. She never means to do these things, even the keychain was while we were horsing around a bit. My problem is, I don't ever touch her in this way and I'm trying to figure out how to get the message or help her understand where the line is. It isn't often and never happens in a fight...so please don't jump on judging her. I just don't think she understands and I'm not sure how to explain it.
You know it boggles my mind when someone does something in the name of "joking or they didn't mean it" I am not making her look bad but I seriously do not condone her behaviour either. But if you needed surgery to repair your eye, I sure as hell hope she apologized and stopped. I mean some horseing around is fun but when someone gets hurt, it's too rough. Just be careful. Having fun is one thing, being a punching bag is another. If I had a penny for every time someone did something in the guise of a joke, and I got hurt, I would be a millionaire. Be careful Benson.
I think you need to set some boundaries and tell her mild play is ok but to be more careful. Seriously Benson. You don't have to endure bruises or surgery just cause you're having fun.
Take good care and let us know how things turn out. All the best.
Karasal
Good luck to you.
First, welcome.
Second, you wrote:
we were horsing around
OK. Start by NOT horsing around, anymore!
You ended your post with:
I just don't think she understands and I'm not sure how to explain it.
Well. I won't jump and judge her; I will go with my experience, both personal and professional. It's possible that she's not ever going to understand. It's possible that no matter what you say, she will always "get carried away" and continue hurting you. By the way ----- it doesn't matter in the least, whether she "means" it or not. You've already had an eye injury. I'm glad to hear that it was repaired. Just remember, you only have two eyes and in generally, once they're gone, they're gone.
If your current girlfriend continues to hurt you physically, then she's as toxic as the previous one. I hope she stops and you have a satisfying relationship. If she doesn't, I hope you'll consider taking better care of yourself, and this might mean seriously evaluating whether this relationship is a safe place for you to be.
Best to you and good luck.
When you're getting bruised you are being abused - whether she means to hurt you or not, this is not acceptable behavior.
i was dating a very abusive man some years ago and I kept telling a friend that he didn't know what he was doing. She told me that anyone, after the age of 3, knows when they are being abusive - she was right.
I've joked around alot with my ex's and I NEVER had to make physical contact. I would say that you need to use Extreme caution due to the fact you were already involved in a abusive situation, whether u want to admit it or not this is abuse. Having your eye surgically repaired?!! thats outrageous.
I rarely make contact back. When i say contact i mean things like she'll softly push me a certain direction (not enough to really move me), so i'll do it back and that's even rare cause I've slowly learned that it escalates from there.
I also want to address what Kimmy said about her husband saying "that didn't hurt". I get that too! I'm a big guy and i do professional wrestling. When I'm going into a match, I realize I'm going to get hurt. You always do it's unavoidable when you've got multiple people in a ring slamming and falling onto mats and such. Even though it's predetermined and we try to be safe, there's pain involved. In a way i think this adds to her thinking cause obviously I can deal with roughness. But in those environments i am expecting it and taking precautions and to add onto all that i'm being paid a good amount of money to do this. With her it seems she just keeps going and honestly, I'm not looking to be hurt forever. But she'll do something and it will begin to hurt and i get that whole "I didn't do it that hard" or such. When the bruises begin that's where she realizes she was rough and appologizes.
One thing that also adds to this is her and a few of the guys she hangs out with all are rough on each other. They give each other dead legs, or pinching, or take ball/box shots on each other. They tried it with me once when i wasn't expecting it and I got very angry and left. Next time I was with them they gave me a hard time and one of them dead legged me. I snapped and decked the guy in the face. The three of them have left me alone mostly, but she gives me this attitude sometimes of "Well i can't be rough with you". I honestly don't understand why anyone has to be rough with anyone else...