I’ve decided to break my silence. I’ve had many problems with my mother over the years ever since I was a child.

She used to hit me a lot but that changed ever since I grew taller than her. 

Back in the past I got myself grounded and my mother brought me home yelled at me and belittled me in the car and would hit me at home. She stripped me down one time and hit my private areas with a wire coat hanger. I only remember it happening once. During that period in my life, I attempted suicide after school because she had convinced me I wasn’t worth living. And I did not want to get smacked again. 

She would claw her nails into my skin in public and yell at me in public. There would be days where I got in trouble for either defending myself against harassment, not putting lotion on my hands, not wearing her dresses, etc. and she would yell at me and scream at me these horrible things that would trigger suicidal thoughts. 

Something like this would happen multiple times a year or even half a year, where I did something wrong and she would tell me, that I make her miserable, that she wanted to get rid of me, it was my fault. And many times it was my fault, and I wanted to die for it. 

Somethings like, ‘I wish I could get rid of you’, ‘Being around you is so hard and barely worth it’, ‘Go leave and never come back’ those things she says to me have put in long term existential crisis. 

But I never wanted to call this abuse. After my tween years she didn’t hit me but she kept yelling at me at the top of her lungs just roaring at me. And most times I do believe I deserved it. But other times it was out of transphobia and homophobia. And there would be so many good days where she and I were happy and she would go out of her way to tell me she loved me or would get me the things I wanted (material wise) for my own happiness. 

Ever since my early elementary years I’ve had symptoms of servere anxiety and depression. After I attempted suicide I started getting symptoms of PTSD and by my mid teens I was getting panic attacks. When I saw people about these since I was having suicidal crisises the people never gave me a diagnosis however they did tell me that I was very clearly having troubles along those mental illnesses. But the main reason I never got a diagnosis is because my mother does not want to put in the time or money for mental/emotional therapy. 

She’s told me explicitly that she loves me and that I have a good home life and that she would never abuse me and I want to believe her. But I remember all the times I’ve cried my eyes out and wanted to die because of her. She’s been responsible for all of my suicidal and existential crisises. And I’m so torn. 

But, when I read people’s experiences with abuse they’re lives are scarily similar to mine. 

But finally it’s 4 am and I’m having these awful pains. When I research these pains and symptoms my body is having they all point to IBS. This isn’t the first time I’ve had awful episodes of bodily pain to the point where I can barely move.

And one of the causes and or risk factors for IBS is ‘a history of mental and emotional abuse’ and when I read that I was just like ‘f*ck me.’

And I’m at a loss I’m currently recovering from a suicidal crisis and coping with IBS pain. 

I need a little reality check I don’t want to call my mother abusive but once again I’m at the end of my rope by now. My family is also falling apart along with my mother’s psyche because of abduction in the maternal side and I’m considering writing up my will or a note, something. I just can’t keep up with the pain.