Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I have read every book. I have a stack of clarifying index cards. I have changed my number. I have given it to him. I have blocked him and unblocked him more times than I can count.
Three years ago in March I left him. I cannot really let go. I have only seen him five fimes in three years. The visits were all bad. Everything about them from beginning to end.
He has taken advantage of me, verbally abused me, emotionally ruined me. 23 years of marriage and three years of hell. Just hell. I have done everything right. I have. I have been in therapy for all three years. I have a job I love. I have my own apartment. He lives in Texas. I live in Seattle. We are never going to run into each other. I have physically done all the right things to get away from him and his abuse and his hatefulness. My kids see right through him. They think of him as their old dad that they love but he hasn't been any kind of father to them in a long time.
Yet, I sit here and I snivel and I cry and I look at myself in the mirror and I hate what I see. I miss my life. How it was before. The dreams we had. All of it. And I just can't f'ing let it go. I am ruining my life. I am only 45. I could have a good life ahead of me. I know what recovery looks like. I have been in it so long. My therapist told me that it is very hard for us to move forward in therapy until I stop this cycle. Get off the roller coaster. She says it is very hard to treat someone for past abuse (ptsd) when they are being currently abused.
So, I set it up. Block him. Have a plan in place, do everything i can think of. Then I just have a memory. A dream. Something and I reach out. Yesterday, I told him that I am going to have to really truly let go. He laughed at me and said I told him that more than a year ago. He laughed at me.
This morning I woke up and called him. I feel like the mildew on the bottom of the tub. I could not feel any lower than I did this morning when he sent my call to voicemail. He doesn't want to hear it anymore.
I go through this drill every week. Every week is the same thing. I know it is a habit. I guess habit is the word?
I think my concern is this: If I block him and if I really let go, he will eventually stop calling and I will lose him forever. I don't know why I think of it as a bad thing but I do. I feel like I will lose the dream. The life we planned. BUT on the flip side, truly, I can't stand the guy. My message to him is come back to me, the way you were, not this horrible person in its place.
When I do set up no contact I always feel better after a few days. Life gets better. But then he sucks me back in.
So, here I sit, sucked back in by him, on the floor in my apartment, unshowered, hair greasy, Sunday morning, starting at my phone. I should be cleaning and cooking and making plans to see my family that live nearby. It is beautiful and sunny and I am just ever so stupid. I can't stand it anymore.
Three years ago in March I left him. I cannot really let go. I have only seen him five fimes in three years. The visits were all bad. Everything about them from beginning to end.
He has taken advantage of me, verbally abused me, emotionally ruined me. 23 years of marriage and three years of hell. Just hell. I have done everything right. I have. I have been in therapy for all three years. I have a job I love. I have my own apartment. He lives in Texas. I live in Seattle. We are never going to run into each other. I have physically done all the right things to get away from him and his abuse and his hatefulness. My kids see right through him. They think of him as their old dad that they love but he hasn't been any kind of father to them in a long time.
Yet, I sit here and I snivel and I cry and I look at myself in the mirror and I hate what I see. I miss my life. How it was before. The dreams we had. All of it. And I just can't f'ing let it go. I am ruining my life. I am only 45. I could have a good life ahead of me. I know what recovery looks like. I have been in it so long. My therapist told me that it is very hard for us to move forward in therapy until I stop this cycle. Get off the roller coaster. She says it is very hard to treat someone for past abuse (ptsd) when they are being currently abused.
So, I set it up. Block him. Have a plan in place, do everything i can think of. Then I just have a memory. A dream. Something and I reach out. Yesterday, I told him that I am going to have to really truly let go. He laughed at me and said I told him that more than a year ago. He laughed at me.
This morning I woke up and called him. I feel like the mildew on the bottom of the tub. I could not feel any lower than I did this morning when he sent my call to voicemail. He doesn't want to hear it anymore.
I go through this drill every week. Every week is the same thing. I know it is a habit. I guess habit is the word?
I think my concern is this: If I block him and if I really let go, he will eventually stop calling and I will lose him forever. I don't know why I think of it as a bad thing but I do. I feel like I will lose the dream. The life we planned. BUT on the flip side, truly, I can't stand the guy. My message to him is come back to me, the way you were, not this horrible person in its place.
When I do set up no contact I always feel better after a few days. Life gets better. But then he sucks me back in.
So, here I sit, sucked back in by him, on the floor in my apartment, unshowered, hair greasy, Sunday morning, starting at my phone. I should be cleaning and cooking and making plans to see my family that live nearby. It is beautiful and sunny and I am just ever so stupid. I can't stand it anymore.
I've thought of your post the past few days. What you're struggling with is so familiar to me. I just wrote in my journal about my desire to be comforted by him, which makes no sense because it's been a long time since he has given me any comfort. I just wanted to tell you some things that are helping me keep from running back so far.
I don't fight the sadness, the missing him. I let the feelings come and feel them. I cry. I remember so many times in the past when I was hoping for comfort from him & how it didn't work.
I accept that I have an unhealthy attachment to him. This is my problem and I am doing whatever I can to fix it, but having this problem does not in any way make me a bad or stupid woman.
I pray. I really pray and I keep at it until my mind calms down.
I'm on day 15 out of the house & my NC clock is at 3 days, 9 hours.
Who wants to be with a man who can turn on you and your children so quickly? Who can allow the addiction to take over their lives and ruin their families? Who can call you a dirty whore because you take spousal support from them? Can accuse you of being a terrible mother while he doesn't EVER visit? Can blame every single thing that happened to him on you even if you weren't around?
When I left him I was strong and sure. Then he really started the abuse AFTER I left. And I let him. I let him break me down over and over again over the miles between us. The more time that passes with NC, the clearer I can see things.
It has been almost three days since I have stopped my compulsive behaviors and reached out to him in any way. My plan is to break the habit of reaching out to him and then follow it up with NC at all. I have to have a plan or I will lose my mind.
I have a calendar and I am marking off the days. I can't do it "yet". I like that.
I can tell you the pay off is there after all the pain. To be honest, the pain can and may come back occasionally during the process of NC but it won't last as long and won't be as often.
It's clich but if I can do it, you can do it too! Stay strong, distract yourself, think about anything but him, and do it for you. YOU deserve to feel content and at peace. When you get the urge to contact him or reply to him, refer to past experiences to remind yourself. You know the exchange will be the same, you know him like the back of your hand. If he contacts you, don't respond, it will be hard but later and the next day and day after that, you will be happy with yourself and your lack of reply with speak volumes to him.
I want this to work for you because I know how painful the process is and the starting over and over again. You also have to be kind to yourself and really focus on how you deserve to talk to yourself. Keeping you in my prayers. You can do this!!
NC 4 days, 10 hours, 46 minutes
Feeling better each day that passes. It feels real this time.
Focus on the good things and your accomplishments. YOU GOT OUT. He no longer gets to rent space in your head.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (basically where your mind goes, your behavior follows. If you can change your thought process, you can change your life). So every time you catch yourself thinking of him, make the conscience choice to change your thoughts. Instead of thinking 'Oh, I wish we could still have those old dreams' change it to anything positive. Random happy thoughts, busy thoughts about ongoing projects. Or, think about how far you've already come. Changing your thoughts is difficult at first, but you will eventually become an expert. And one day, you will find yourself wondering why you haven't thought about him for a while.
Secondly, Trauma is experienced on a sensory level. So, it is better dealt with, with sensory activities. Draw, colour, paint, sing, listen to music, photograph....create something. It doesn't have to be good, it just has to be. (Check out TLC online learning courses (Trauma Loss http://www.tlcinstituteonline.org/courses/). Learn more about abuse...start analyzing. Take interest courses, meet friends for coffee. Do something you love and feel passionate about. (Volunteer, take up a cause, help others).
Most of all, mother yourself. You've been beaten up long enough. It's time you feel valued.
PS...I was with my ex for 20 years....been out for a few years. Was a very tough battle. There are still bad days....but loving ourselves is key. Good luck
Today I found myself thinking of other things on my commute in to work. Usually, it is all about him... analyzing how I feel, wondering how he is, and worst of all feeling rejected. Today I was thinking of work, the upcoming weekend and my nephews birthday party, getting my hair colored. I feel that no contact is the way, the only way, to heal from this as each time we talk I am retraumatized. So, I am committing to continuing this through the week-end for sure. I want to have a nice week-end. I want the contact to stop.
5 days, 2 hours, 54 minutes