Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I have read every book. I have a stack of clarifying index cards. I have changed my number. I have given it to him. I have blocked him and unblocked him more times than I can count.
Three years ago in March I left him. I cannot really let go. I have only seen him five fimes in three years. The visits were all bad. Everything about them from beginning to end.
He has taken advantage of me, verbally abused me, emotionally ruined me. 23 years of marriage and three years of hell. Just hell. I have done everything right. I have. I have been in therapy for all three years. I have a job I love. I have my own apartment. He lives in Texas. I live in Seattle. We are never going to run into each other. I have physically done all the right things to get away from him and his abuse and his hatefulness. My kids see right through him. They think of him as their old dad that they love but he hasn't been any kind of father to them in a long time.
Yet, I sit here and I snivel and I cry and I look at myself in the mirror and I hate what I see. I miss my life. How it was before. The dreams we had. All of it. And I just can't f'ing let it go. I am ruining my life. I am only 45. I could have a good life ahead of me. I know what recovery looks like. I have been in it so long. My therapist told me that it is very hard for us to move forward in therapy until I stop this cycle. Get off the roller coaster. She says it is very hard to treat someone for past abuse (ptsd) when they are being currently abused.
So, I set it up. Block him. Have a plan in place, do everything i can think of. Then I just have a memory. A dream. Something and I reach out. Yesterday, I told him that I am going to have to really truly let go. He laughed at me and said I told him that more than a year ago. He laughed at me.
This morning I woke up and called him. I feel like the mildew on the bottom of the tub. I could not feel any lower than I did this morning when he sent my call to voicemail. He doesn't want to hear it anymore.
I go through this drill every week. Every week is the same thing. I know it is a habit. I guess habit is the word?
I think my concern is this: If I block him and if I really let go, he will eventually stop calling and I will lose him forever. I don't know why I think of it as a bad thing but I do. I feel like I will lose the dream. The life we planned. BUT on the flip side, truly, I can't stand the guy. My message to him is come back to me, the way you were, not this horrible person in its place.
When I do set up no contact I always feel better after a few days. Life gets better. But then he sucks me back in.
So, here I sit, sucked back in by him, on the floor in my apartment, unshowered, hair greasy, Sunday morning, starting at my phone. I should be cleaning and cooking and making plans to see my family that live nearby. It is beautiful and sunny and I am just ever so stupid. I can't stand it anymore.
Three years ago in March I left him. I cannot really let go. I have only seen him five fimes in three years. The visits were all bad. Everything about them from beginning to end.
He has taken advantage of me, verbally abused me, emotionally ruined me. 23 years of marriage and three years of hell. Just hell. I have done everything right. I have. I have been in therapy for all three years. I have a job I love. I have my own apartment. He lives in Texas. I live in Seattle. We are never going to run into each other. I have physically done all the right things to get away from him and his abuse and his hatefulness. My kids see right through him. They think of him as their old dad that they love but he hasn't been any kind of father to them in a long time.
Yet, I sit here and I snivel and I cry and I look at myself in the mirror and I hate what I see. I miss my life. How it was before. The dreams we had. All of it. And I just can't f'ing let it go. I am ruining my life. I am only 45. I could have a good life ahead of me. I know what recovery looks like. I have been in it so long. My therapist told me that it is very hard for us to move forward in therapy until I stop this cycle. Get off the roller coaster. She says it is very hard to treat someone for past abuse (ptsd) when they are being currently abused.
So, I set it up. Block him. Have a plan in place, do everything i can think of. Then I just have a memory. A dream. Something and I reach out. Yesterday, I told him that I am going to have to really truly let go. He laughed at me and said I told him that more than a year ago. He laughed at me.
This morning I woke up and called him. I feel like the mildew on the bottom of the tub. I could not feel any lower than I did this morning when he sent my call to voicemail. He doesn't want to hear it anymore.
I go through this drill every week. Every week is the same thing. I know it is a habit. I guess habit is the word?
I think my concern is this: If I block him and if I really let go, he will eventually stop calling and I will lose him forever. I don't know why I think of it as a bad thing but I do. I feel like I will lose the dream. The life we planned. BUT on the flip side, truly, I can't stand the guy. My message to him is come back to me, the way you were, not this horrible person in its place.
When I do set up no contact I always feel better after a few days. Life gets better. But then he sucks me back in.
So, here I sit, sucked back in by him, on the floor in my apartment, unshowered, hair greasy, Sunday morning, starting at my phone. I should be cleaning and cooking and making plans to see my family that live nearby. It is beautiful and sunny and I am just ever so stupid. I can't stand it anymore.
You are afraid you will lose him and the dream forever. I am so sorry, but the reality is that your dream is really a nightmare and it won't ever turn into a happily ever after. That said, I get it. I was there too. I still have moments of "I wish it could have been the way I dreamed it would be." But, now, after therapy, they are fleeing. I have the tools to nurture myself. And now I choose to have a different dream and am free to take action to make that dream happen.
While I am not diagnosing, I will say that IMHO, what you describe sounds a lot like relationship/people addiction and/or trauma bonding. Each time you contact him, it's like taking a hit of your drug of choice. You feel better at first then you feel like crap and you beat yourself up. BTDT too. Here is a link to my post about trauma bonding. Please read it and decide for yourself whether it fits. http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical_Emotional_Abuse/forum/19534739-trauma-bonding
You live in an area that is renowned for training trauma release therapists. Please find one who specializes in recovery from abuse & trauma.
You will feel so much better and freer when you do. It's never too late to start your life anew AND be happy.
~healing hugs~
I've just reopened the door to someone in my life who helped bring me to this website. After all of the work I have done, his effect on me has greatly minimised! He more or less pulled the same old stunt as always, pulling me closer and closer and pulling the rug out but this time, I feel pretty much ok a week later, in fact maybe better than before. Maybe i needed to puncture that old wound to fully heal it again after all the work I've done on myself! Make a list of everything you and your kids need emotionally, physically, mentally, creatively, playfully, socially, etc. and set yourself a task to nurture all those parts of yourself! Sending you healing blessings!!
There are biological reasons
why you're having so much
trouble detaching from your
abuser.
The problem is NOT that
you're less intelligent or
capable than the mildew
on the bottom of the tub.
The issue is BIOLOGICAL.
Please follow MTC's wise
suggestion and find yourself
a therapist who specializes
in recovery from traumatic
bonding. Do it SOON and
STOP BLAMING YOURSELF.
Sending you hugs
and prayers for
healing and
recovery.
They have been through it.
I just wanted to say, I'm so very sorry for what you are going through,
and I wish you the very best life has to offer.
You will get your dream life, but not with this guy!!!!
I will look into this in my area and see what my therapist says. It is hard to find the right person.
I know the feeling. I can't tell you when you will be able to put him away. I am so thankful for now that I am able to stay away from my X. I can't even be sure that I won't cave in to the need for him again. But I will do everything I can.
I am 12 days from leaving - the 4th time I've left in 4 1/2 years. I am grieving for my dream of him & I. I am allowing myself to grieve. I am accepting that he will never be better and that I cannot do anything to fix him. I pray that you will come to this acceptance also.
Instead of fighting yourself, work towards accepting yourself. Instead of beating yourself up and calling yourself horrible names for wanting to reach out to him, accept that you want to reach out to him, accept that you still have the dream. And then remind yourself of reality. Like maryjan said, breaking the habits and retraining your thoughts is NOT easy and it won't happen in an instant. But it can be done. Professional help makes it a lot easier, though it still won't be easy. There's not going to be some magic pill or magic wand that will break the bond. But with work and focus, the bond can get weaker day by day, until you are eventually able to just sever it.
Meanwhile, be kind to yourself. You are SO much more than mildew on the bottom of the tub. You are a beautiful, unique, loving and compassionate woman. Who deserves so much better. The dream, unfortunately, is dead. Believe me I know how hard that is to accept, but it's true. You won't lose the dream by blocking him, because the dream is only that. It's not and never will be reality.
"Yet."
I have given up on him. I no longer believe there is a chance in hell that he will change. He will only get worse. So I have to let him go and lose him forever. This is so sad, but it is still better than what I was living with. I now have a chance for a peaceful, and maybe even happy, life.
I am still struggling. I have promised to myself that I will stop reaching out to him. I don't get the comfort from him that I so crave. It isn't exactly a promise of no contact but a promise to start breaking the habit of contacting him. It has been two days now. It is what I can do right now.
~hugs~