Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So this is gonna be long. I mean loooong. For years I’ve never once called my mother abusive. I’ve never thought of her as abusive until this year. And I first made a post here addressing how maybe she was abusive. Because at this point it’s compromising my health.
And now after some little research and looking back on my life I can see it. When I’m standing back from it it’s much easier to explain and rationalize the mess that is my life. Because for the longest time I thought that everything was only my fault and in fact I still kind of do to some extent. But I want to write this all down and possibly get outside opinions as well.
Aggressing
Denying
Degrading
Isolating
Invalidation
Exploiting
Minimizing
These are all actions that together can spiral into emotional abuse. And looking back and even experiencing today I can see these signs and I’ll explain. This is all for me for explain and put my pain into words I’m not trying to seek pity. But none the less emotional abuse is very serious. I just want to make it clear that I’m not trying to get attention, I’m just trying to heal and cope.
Aggressing
So especially when I was a toddler. She would punish me a lot by slapping in the face, spanking me, etc. But the emotional aspect is that she would tell me that I deserved it that I was a horrible person because of what I’ve done. This would carry on as I grew up. Whenever I made a mistake or did something she didn’t like she was yell at me very loudly that I made her life miserable and that I embarrassed her. She would convince me to believe that I was a reprobate. And she often used the motherly argument where she would tell me, things like ‘I’m your mother you do what I tell you.’, ‘You’re a child you have no power over me.’, ‘Being your mother is hard enough and you make it even harder.’ ‘You embarrassed this family.’, ‘Do you want people to think I raised you to be some freak?’ And this would leave me to believe that I’m a lesser creature than her and that I don’t deserve her or the life she gave me. This reached a breaking point when I attempted suicide.
Denying
She has always denied abusing me. To me, to my friends, to the extended family, to my father, to her friends. And many times she’ll tell me what I am even when I tell her otherwise. She’ll deny me my gender expression, my home, friends, sometimes my self worth. I’ve been recommended for therapy by three different adults and she told me no.
Degrading
Playing the victim and blaming me for her pain. Sometimes when she has marital conflict she’ll place the blame on me. When I look back she has blamed me for a lot of things, to her it’s my fault when my father gets angry with her, it’s my fault when her friends feel bad around her, it’s my fault when my brothers are hurt, it’s my fault when my aunts are rude, when she gets angry at me it’s always my fault. I believed her every time. When my school guidance counselor found out that I had attempted suicide in the past and when I came to school when I was in a suicidal crisis. My mother had to talk to the counselor and demanded to me why I was suicidal and when I tried to explain that it was because of my poor mental health once again she blamed me. When I got a referral for a therapist she got angry with me and of course she punished me. And when it comes to social bigotry she has threatened to kick me out if I was gay and whenever I try to express myself as masculine she tells me that I’m a girl because I’m biologically female and so I can’t be a boy ever. And which I am closeted queer and trans.
Isolating
This one was hard for me to see at first. I’m not confined to my home and she has never restricted me from going where I want before. But then I saw it. Isolation is not just keeping me trapped in my house or forbidding from occasions. She puts me in places where I’m completely alone. I’ll never forget that time when I was 3 and she punished me by leaving me in a parking garage and driving away. She tried to fly me out of state when I was grounded. And now she’s telling me that I have to go to the same college she went to and if not that one in state. Which I don’t plan to do. I’m planning to go out of state. And she’s also trying to look for a man of her choice to marry off to. She’s trying to seal my future and shape it in the way she wants and isolating me from a life without her influence.
Invalidation
I said this before but she’s denies the seriousness of my mental health. She’s been told by grown adults that I clearly have mental illness and that’s it’s affecting my coming of age. Yet she doesn’t see it as real problems. She goes the extra step and claims that I don’t have ‘real’ problems saying that her young life was much worse. That her family was much worse to her than she is to me. Therefore in her mind I have no room to complain. This also gives her an excuse to take away my privileges and my future.
Exploiting
This one is also hard. She doesn’t use me for profit or labor. But then I realized, she uses me as a way of taking out her anger. She keeps telling me how bad her parents were to her even though there’s nothing I can do about it but she uses her bad life to damage me emotionally. And to the public she makes me dress in clothes that she thinks make the family look good and when she yells at me in public and in front of her friends and family she makes me out to be an ungrateful and selfish kid.
Minimizing
In this house my mother comes first. My problems are never as important as my mother’s makeup, her down time, her happiness. When my health, my life, my personal needs are often pushed to the back burn. Example, my guidance counselor talked to her alone and my counselor told me that eomma said: ‘She’s so ungrateful. She has everything she needs and yet she still acts like she’s in pain. I didn’t grow up with half the things she has.’
Now that that’s done I want to make very clear that my mother refuses to see me that anything but a feminine daughter so that’s why she’s misgendering me and using the wrong pronouns.
Also last time I discussed my abuse I had people reach out to me which I’m very grateful for. Thank you.
But addressing the opinions I got, many people were curious about my age. This year I turned 17 years old.
And another thing people said was that I had to get away from her. About that, I haven’t tried to run away because I know I’ll just be forced to come back. I live in a nuclear household and I can’t leave because if I do I’ll bring shame to the family. And when I say ‘family’ I mean my entire family, not just my mother’s side but my father’s side my forefathers, my ancestors. I know it might sound like bullshit but that’s the reality of things. My actions, my health, my life, I have a big impact on my family.
But I can’t take living with her and being around her if I want to live at all. Of course I’ve been considering the suicide option. Which I’m not a fan of, but I still really debate on whether I should just kill myself because really the only way to get away from her for good is if I go to Hell. The other option which I’m a bit more hopeful for is, me going to college out of state, earning a living, getting myself hormone and mental therapy, and getting my own house where I don’t have to live under my mother. And if I cut ties with my family then I don’t have to worry about disgracing my lineage.
But I don’t have confidence that I can really leave my family or live successfully on my own. Like it or not my blood ties will last forever on a physical level and leaving family is still hard even without considering blood. I was hoping that if I get my own home and learn financial independence then I won’t have to go back to my mother. But I’m still worried about her trying to track me down.
Not that that will be easy when I change my name and start hormone therapy but I’m sure she’ll be willing to go that far. And I will miss my family a lot. But once I’m old enough and independent enough to really start to be who I am instead of living a lie for them they won’t see me as family and they’ll want nothing to do with me.
Yeah well I don’t know what the future holds for me and I’ll always struggled with suicidal thoughts so who knows. But the point is I’m stuck in this maternal abuse for a while.
I am so terribly sorry for what you have experienced and what you are going through!!! Please hear me out!!! The suicide rate among transgender people is so high! Please reach out to an LGBTQ group (many of them) so that you have support from loving, accepting, and understanding people who can help you! You are beautiful inside and out and you should be your authentic self. Please, please don't worry about upsetting your family. Look toward people like Kate Jenner who did it!! Her family eventually came around and respected her for it. Yours may too and, if not, you will make new family in the trans community. You do what is best for you! I know that you feel that you may have mental illness but you may just be severely damaged from the abuse and that can be healed!!! I promise!! I have been abused and I have come sooooo far and am healing more and more all the time. I never had any mental illness. All my problems were just the result of hiding my true self and accepting abuse. You can get through this and you can become the person you were meant to be and you can be an example for other young people who struggle with the same issues. You can do this!!!!!! Sending love your way.