Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
After almost 3 months of staying strong and I had a weak moment and it was of all things on Facebook. He had texted..called, threatned to come see me, emailed and I stayed stoic. Then after a month of hearing nothing from him, I recieved a message on facebook from him. We are not even friends, but I guess I did not have him blocked on there as he really had not tried to contact me on there and honestly doesn't really even like Facebook, says it is all Drama.
The message simply said, " I miss you. "
It was sent around 7 am.
I waited..I tried to ignore it. I even ignored when our mutual friends had said he could use a friend and I ought to call him. I was polite to them and thought well we can still be friends without involving him, which I thought we were doing. I asked them to please keep anything we discussed between us and I kept it positive and did not talk badly of him, just in case.
I could not get that message out of my head. It irritated the crap out of me.
People that honestly miss each other work things out, they try harder. They don't just ring you, leave voice mails and text as if they did nothing wrong, then give up. They really didn't make much of an effort if after a month of hearing nothing, they send a silly little message on facebook.. I miss you.
ARGHHHHHHH. :(
I broke... I typed a few hours later in reply " I wish I could believe that. "
Hit send and I have heard nothing.
Imagine that.
This took place yesterday. I called his bluff. He had nothing to say.
I AM SO MAD AT MYSELF. I am so weak, such an idiot. He wins again. I can just see his smug ass smile. If I was going to reply anyway..why couldn't I have been hateful about it and said, I miss you too, about as much as a bad rash. Or something smart ass. No, I had to just say what I felt.
Sometimes I literally digust myself.
The message simply said, " I miss you. "
It was sent around 7 am.
I waited..I tried to ignore it. I even ignored when our mutual friends had said he could use a friend and I ought to call him. I was polite to them and thought well we can still be friends without involving him, which I thought we were doing. I asked them to please keep anything we discussed between us and I kept it positive and did not talk badly of him, just in case.
I could not get that message out of my head. It irritated the crap out of me.
People that honestly miss each other work things out, they try harder. They don't just ring you, leave voice mails and text as if they did nothing wrong, then give up. They really didn't make much of an effort if after a month of hearing nothing, they send a silly little message on facebook.. I miss you.
ARGHHHHHHH. :(
I broke... I typed a few hours later in reply " I wish I could believe that. "
Hit send and I have heard nothing.
Imagine that.
This took place yesterday. I called his bluff. He had nothing to say.
I AM SO MAD AT MYSELF. I am so weak, such an idiot. He wins again. I can just see his smug ass smile. If I was going to reply anyway..why couldn't I have been hateful about it and said, I miss you too, about as much as a bad rash. Or something smart ass. No, I had to just say what I felt.
Sometimes I literally digust myself.
it may have sounded weak or wanting to you, but to me it comes across as a clear and honest statement.
PLEASE don't beat yourself over the head that you contacted him!!!! We are human. We do things we don't want to do, things we know aren't healthiest. We move on - and learn whatever lesson we were supposed to learn.
In this instance, maybe you were supposed to learn that contacting him makes you *feel* weak, even if that's not how it seems from the outside. And you don't want to feel weak, even on the inside, when it comes to him. I dunno?
Do something especially lovely for yourself today or tomorrow!!! You should celebrate, I think, that you were not pulled back in but saw his lie for what it was -- a manipulative lie by a maniulative abusive man.
You stood in your truth & you found out what his truth is too.
Be kind to yourself. Do whatever you need/want to do to nurture yourself.
Sending you lots of healing hugs...
Regardless, I would try not to overthink the whole thing. You're still allowing him to mess with your mental space. He is an abuser doing what abusers do. Now, get back on the wagon with NC and carry on. In fact, take one out of their playbook...It never happened. lol. Wishing you the best.
You know what? These guys have put us through living hell. They have f*ed us over, mind f*ed us, guilt-tripped us, betrayed our trust and hurt us. The last thing any of us need is to be mean to ourselves. That is a voice they, and other awful people from our past, have put in our heads.
We deserve better!!! And we deserve to forgive ourselves!!!
I guess that is why when he said " I miss you." My reply was about as honest as it gets. I wish I could believe him, because I can't believe anything he says or does anymore. He was all make believe. :(
We're human.
We have emotions.
You did say something smart - he was probably hoping for an "OMG I miss you so much too".
He didn't win.
@ JenniferSue , when you stated this: I actually think what you wrote was pretty powerful. It's a version of saying, "you are a liar." I wonder if my ex thought so as well and that is why he did not reply as he was offended? Or if he even had enough of a conscience to be offended? Or if he is just biding his time and wanting me to squirm by not contacting me, he is doing his own form of NC to try to make me contact him? I must be strong.
Funny, but I thought the relentless calls and texts were hard, but sometimes just a bite and then they go away and make you wonder is even worse. :(
You are NOT weak. You are not an idiot. You are human. You had a slip, that's all.
You haven't heard anything because he is playing games. If I were you, I would play it better and add him to my blocked list.
Don't beat yourself up. Try your hardest to change your perspective on the situation. Deep down I think you know and see it all for what it is. Try to focus on the truths, that's what I've been doing. He's made you feel bad enough for long enough, take the power back. He's no good for you. He's no good for anyone.
xo
I agree with the other girls. I was huge and powerful. It is not only a version of saying "you are a liar" It says it in a good tone, not an
I hate you tone but just way softer. I'm sorry. I still have this horrible cold/flu and can't think.
Since it's done and NOT horrible, beating yourself up over something that is done and you can't change is a total waste of time and all it does is to make you feel worse.
It's OK Joanie, now feel better. Your making it. It wasn't such a bad break. Just start again.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
hugs Hon, we are all kind loving people. That is what made us fair game for narcicists.
You slipped up, we have all done so, but it was a really minor slip up. You didn't call him and say how happy you were that he misses you, you merely told him you don't believe him and left it at that. Granted, no response would have been better still, but as responses go it was pretty darn good. I can't really think of a better one.
I also grew up blaming myself for everything, apologising for everything under the sun, and beating myself half to death for every tiny mistake. One of the things I have tried to do is to really know and accept me for who I am, and to then, from there, have a look at a mistake I've made and try to see it from an outside perspective.
You've been on this board a while, you have read many, MANY posts of people who have said the same as you - that they broke no contact, even as they knew they shouldn't. And not once have I seen you respond to those posts, telling the person they are "so weak" or "such an idiot", or that they "literally disgust" you. And I pretty much guarantee that it wasn't the "promise to be nice" at the bottom of the comment screen that stopped you.
Treat yourself with the same kindness and compassion that you show to others (here and elsewhere). Forgive yourself for not being any more perfect than the rest of us. Instead of beating yourself up for making a mistake, congratulate yourself for all the times you have NOT slipped up, all the times you HAVE maintained no contact.
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move forward.
3 months of strength. That's AWESOME. I know it's been a struggle nearly, if not every single day. And yet, you've been strong for THREE MONTHS! Celebrate your strength, Joanies. Celebrate your strength.
I cannot figure out why he felt the need to contact me and especially through a site he rarely uses, then when I reply, he does not even answer?
Yeah, I know he is an abuser and there is no normalcy with them, but I mean, why bother? What is his intent? Did I piss him off? I mean what did he expect to gain? Was my response enough? It's not like I got all emotional, so not sure how he could of got anything from that. Its not like I gave him any emotion or I called or texted or showed I wanted to get back with him or missed him. Honestly, I do miss him ( well who he pretended and can pretend to be) and I miss being with someone as I am so very alone, but I do hold on but honestly its so very hard, especially when he shows any sign of affection, kindness or remorse, even if it is a lie.
I wish I could just hate him..I wish I could move past this.