I tried to stay off the board as I can't remain positive and supportive to others on here and also others painful situations were triggering me, examples, childhood abuse, addictive abusers..etc.

I have come on a couple times and messaged some friends to support on things that I have been through to try to be helpful but today is a stressor for me.

CONTACT was broken and even though my ex initiated I should of remained strong. I did not and now I am hurting. I guess I should of been better prepared as he was away on vacation and I got comfortable thinking he was done with me since he had not contacted me the whole time he was away for two weeks. Last time he went away, he did, so he broke pattern and I thought my ignoring him the last two times he tried to get together with me pissed him off enough that he was done.
Sadly, I hurt a bit because he had not contacted but now that he has, I hurt more as nothing good ever comes from it. He gets worse each time and uglier. :(

It started with a text that he was back, then a photo with him and what am I doing? Than a text that " You can't be that busy at your work. Than the pornography started, and it progressively got worse. Videos of him by himself..doing his thing, first one he was at least covered.
I messed up by trying to act nochalant and say " I am busy, I am working, and what are you shy all of a sudden covering up? "

Bad move on my part. :(

Then the videos of him not covered started. 2 of them, then him asking what did I want him to do next? Then I got a video with a man and woman, you could only see the woman's face and the man was pale like my ex. (They were pleasuring each other) the text said " I like to tease you."

I lost it then. I mean I kept it together, cause I was not going to let him know that I was hurt by him sending me porn of someone (possibly him) and another woman having sex.

So i texted " Nice catch. She has some nice boobs. You should be proud. Though I prefer brunettes but it's your d*ck so your choice. . Have fun. I need to work. "

Before anyone goes off on me, I meant none of this. I was shocked, horrified, hurt and oddly a bit jealous. The woman was not necessarily beautiful, but well endowed. He knows I have issues about my small chest. Also I kept reviewing it over and over trying to see if that was him, and all I could finally make out was blonde hair which he is not as the face of the man is covered. My stomach is sick totally. :(
I am not into watching couples or into women, but I had to make him think he did not get to me..if that makes any sense? I also had to make him think I was not even bothered and the girl's looks did not upset me, hence the brunette comment and the flippant way I acted.

I guess I brought all this on myself. If you try to take on a master manipulator and bring him down, you will lose. I lost. He won.
I just hope he doesn't know he injured me at all

I turned my phone off as I am trying to work and its been a hard day, invoicing, payroll, an office worker had to leave early with a sick dad and another worker as a dad with terminal cancer.

Turned my phone on a minute ago as the other worker calls me on it if I am needed but I do have a office phone so he can reach me on that. I am avoiding the ex as the texts are just too upsetting and one basically said your not too busy to talk I know better. ,( that was when I was baited to text back cause I was afraid he would call or try to call work)
Noticed my phone had a text from him and it said that the video with the man and woman was not HIM. It said" That is not me in the video, you goof. :)

As if everything is ok? As if he can just leave for 2 weeks, not contact me. Then contact me out of the blue, send me one decent pic of him, start bugging me to talk because he is back, then start bombarding me with sex stuff at work? WTH?

I am acting like it is all no big deal and I just couldn't be bothered with it and as if the girl in the video was just not to my liking and his perfomances were not "awe inspiring" but honestly, I am just so freaking shook up, I just want to burn my phone and wonder what did I ever do that I am not valuable enough to just have a normal text, conversation, person that doesn't try to f*ck up my mind?

Am I that evil of person? :( :(