for myself it was fear of the unknown. I was a single mom of 6 on welfare when I meet him. He made good money. we bought a house, a new car. kids never went hungry. I went to work. but I spent 10 years of him telling me I was nothing when I meet him and I would be nothing with out him. I ended up leaving when I only had 1 kid home. every thing went to storage and I ended up on a floor at a friends, with no car or home. It was better than what I had. as time went on he became worse. I know its a learned behavior . I came from an abusive mom and dad. I guess it is a famillar behavior. I am 51 and my last abuser is moving today. he was mental games. I dont if I will break the pattern but I am going to do alot of praying. If you have questions feel free to write me

I had so many "good" reasons not to leave. He didn't hit me THAT often. My baby needs a father and I had no right to take that from him. The problems really were mostly my fault anyway, if only I put out more, let him spend more, did more for him, showed him more respect, etc, then things wouldn't be so bad. When I married him, I made a promise to be with him "for better or worse" and "till death do us part", so it would be wrong to walk away from that promise. Not to mention it would prove that I am a failure (even knowing about the abuse, my mother told my brother that I was wrong to have left him, and told her friends that I was a "failure" because I "couldn't even hold on to a husband"). There was also embarassment - I am NOT the sort of person who ends up in an abusive relationship (why that should embarass ME, even I don't really understand, but it did). It was also wrong not to help him get over the problems that contributed to this - his alcoholism etc (course, he never made any effort himself to get over those problems). And he was going to change - he was always going to change. And I was afraid of trying to look after a baby by myself (little did I know it's way easier than looking after him while in an abusive relationship).

So I guess it was a mix of fear, honour (not breaking promises, and trying to help the man I believed I loved), hope (mixed with self delusion), manipulation and plain out low self esteem.

Like sistermarie said, feel free to ask if you want any more info.

They play on our empathy. Most chose us because we are empathic nurturing people. I took mine in after he told me he was dying and had a horrible childhood and was abused by his first real love. Little did I know the monster behind the facade he had created. When bad things would happen, finding out he was lying, (it was a "test" to she if I was worthy) to his cheating, sleep deprivation, mental abuse, physical abuse, I would always take him back. He did put on a good show of how sorry he was and how much he loved me. I had just come from a 17 year marriage to a mental and emotional abusive man and was devastated emotionally. He took advantage of my caring nature and played on my fears of being alone. I kept taking him back when he would beg, promise to be good etc. The final straw came when he told me that if I ever left him he would kill my loved ones and save me for last to make me suffer. Mind you I had taken care of him financially and emotionally the last 12 years. I left multiple times but he always managed to get under my skin and work on my caring nature. I still hate to hurt anyone, avoid confrontation whenever possible. He still talks to me and thinks that I will one day come back. He has asked me to marry him again and I point blank tell him no. There are times when I think the only way I will ever be able to be totally away from him is when one of us is dead.

Tink,

I think that it is because the come in and rob us of our strengths. The teach us to second guess ourselves and instill a fear over every aspect of our lives. They train our family and friends that we are just not right or that we are all wrong. They taint the very environment in which we need to survive. They teach us how to do the same by causing us to react and then they say they do not have a clue what we are talking about.

They are very good manupliators with police, lawyers and the very thing that we react to are the things that they were pushing for a reaction on and then they do not have a clue what we are talking about or we are OVER reacting.

I would just say that they kidnap our lives and until we breakfree from them we are powerless to our captors.

For me it was my age. I was looking forward to winding down. It was also anger that I had been (allowed myself) played. He used me up abused me mentaly and then wanted to throw me out with the trash. never looking back and him set for life.( a large part because of me). The last few weeks he tried to turn the tables on me calling the police on me cause I was calling his new girlfriend a tramp and a few other names. (she's gone now, saw him in a different light) she is smater than me. He came from an abuse home and knew the ropes. But I kept records and let my lawyer know what he was up to. I have suffered under him almost lost myself and am trying to find my way back. i will NEVER let anyone talk down to me or treat me poorly NEVER>

hi tink

for me it is fear of the unknown.being very depressed..not knowing how and where to find help..i am aware of the shelters..although i really didn't find t he people helpful when i did call...financial i have no money.my kids..the courts...the fact that emotional abuse isn't against any laws..that when he did he hit me i didn't report it..the one time i did .the cops just took him saving she pushed me and that somehow excused his choking me and holding me in my bedroom on the floor.
there is so many reasons..where would i go.how would i make it..what about the kids .now they are not my kids with him but with my ex..the courts would look down on that..my ex would make it a nightmare..although i sure he knows to some degree.
humiliation,lost all hope..

i hope that helps some..it is very hard..then they always area t some point sorry and at least me are so low..just want it to go away and love that we try again..inside there is always that voice that tells you it will be the same in a week..at least for on week it will stop...

Greetings Tink,

I didn't want to leave the stbx because of the fear of the unknown and being a christian (he wasn't) plus my self-esteen took a huge toil, I felt that I could never find another man, he put those thoughts in my head...not actually saying it but making me feel that way. After I spoke with my pastor I was relieved and took that step to leave. Believe me it took about 8 times to leave him...finally I woke up and made up my mind to just leave him for the sake of our child and my sanity. That night I decided to leave he called me many awful names, said he didn't want to be with me bc I has surgry for a painful health problem, confessed he he saw another other woman, always defended his other other woman, so I cried as usual, then said hell with you. He didn't have the nerve to tell me all of this in person or sober.
Its been 10 months now. I don't know or care where he is at. Its a long process and a hard one...to get away from his abuse...I put up with it for 3 years. A few months ago he tried contacting me then his whore, but I changed my number again. My faith in God has brought me out of this tumoil. I'm blessed because I don't need to depend on him for anything.....I have 2 degrees and we only have one child. On the other hand he never finished the 7th grade, grew up in different family homes, drank at a early age...it doesn't surprise me that he lives with someone else already, because he needs them to support him...he can't do it on his own.