I will reiterate (I hope my tone isn't harsh)--you asked him to leave, but he moved downstairs instead and then dares to give you a hard time about not getting over it! I think you made it clear that there was nothing more to be done, but he guilted you into trying. I mean, I get that there's a lot at stake and you sort of wanted to give it the old college try, but he is not respecting your wishes at all. You have suffered enough.

I agree with Ilene. The second critical step after awareness is realizing that you've reached the end of your rope and there is nothing more to be done. You really are making progress.

You're not harsh Rose - others have said that. And I really did want to give it all I had. I was not perfect toward the end and the guilt of that has made me try even harder. I guess I have made a lot of progress. Things are becoming a bit clearer. It's all so overwhelming.

Thank you Martin for your encouragement. This is all so incredibly painful and sad. I haven't been myself for a long time now.

Sending hugs and strength to you,

Not
YOU are an inspiration. Not o ly are you doing what you need for you but you took the time you needed to be sure. You gave him chance after chance and he just kept pushing instead of listening. Thank you for sharing your story.

His sessions with his IC are his business. You don't want to be in the position for directing HIS therapy, because that will prevent his healing, and will give him something else to blame you for should he fail. The same goes with and "conditions" he might want you to lay out for him regarding rekindling a relationship. Boundaries are good, giving people ultimatums or steps they must take in order to get a reward are bad.

I do think it is positive that he has hung on since October without any promise of reward for him. I think most people would split by now. And him still going to therapy is a good sign. It could be lip service, or it could be a genuine desire to change.

As for him understanding the depths of how badly he hurt you - good luck with that. He's probably not capable. Any rekindling would require you to accept he has a flaw whereby he cannot understand or feel how he hurt you. That's just the way he is, and will always be. I'm facing the same situation right now. She admits she is difficult to be with and remarks that she is not a good person. She will say things like "I am too good for her." She readily admits she has issues. I've told her how much her criticism hurt, how I felt invalidated, how I didn't want to eat with her because of all the hurtful comments she made about my eating habits. She says she feels bad now and thinks she is manipulating me, yet her manipulative behavior continues. So even though she is aware and admits she has issues, she can't stop certain behaviors, and I still have yet to hear an "I'm sorry for hurting you." Instead, she blames her mental illness.

He's taken the first step - but there is still a long way to go. And even if he gets there, realize it's still probably not the person you want.

Kevin -
You're right - he's done just that. Used my words against me. Everything Ive been telling him over the last 6 months in yet another attempt of mine to fix our marriage, he has now used against me and asked if everything I've been saying is just lies. It really hurt me. I asked him, why would I lie about what I said? I really did want things to work out and for us to grow old together, thats why I stuck around, again, o his terms, but it's just not working out.

And I am painfully, slowly realizing he will just never get the depth of the pain he's caused.

Thats the hardest thing, after over 2 decades together, to realize he is no longer the person I want to be with.

Sending you hugs, peace and strength,