Presuming that we're talking
about an abusive relationship,
then "rekindling" isn't even a
relevant topic.

The fact that you're being
pressured is a very clear
indicator that he, indeed,
doesn't "get it." (Most abusers
don't. You yourself wrote:

But he still doesn't quite get the depth of how much I've been hurt and is trying to speed up my recovery process.

How about starting THERE?

Don't let surface changes
fool you. Trust your gut.

What's the point of him asking you what you want him to discuss w/the IC? I mean really, even if you gave him something and he actually discussed it, do you really think he would relay what was actually said? Abusers distort everything they hear, so what's the point?

I agree w/Ilene that he still doesn't get it because he's still pressuring you. IMHO, it's still all about him.

Maybe I'm jaded because of my situation but him asking that question in light of the rest of his behavior says this to me: he asks to appear compliant and invested. Perhaps, however, his asking might have more to do with him having a cheat sheet on what he needs to stroke your emotional cord so he doesn't have to go through the work. Like he's asking you specifically where to throw crumbs to use against you somehow. Again, perhaps this is my current perspective from a jaded standpoint.

To me a good "test" question after the counseling would be to ask him what he discussed in the session as to what he needs to work on. If he seems annoyed, dodges the question, speaks in generalities or involves YOU in his answer in any way this shows the sincerity and depth of his desire. If he truly wanted to make changes he will do everything in his power to earn your trust rather than discount, deny or attempt to change your needs.

Have you seen the checklists like Lundy's on signs if he has truly changed? I find things like this are a good way to get grounded again when abusers tend to take us around the lake and over the mountain to get to the cornfield.

You all make perfect sense. I'm tired. Tired of trying and jumping thru hoops. He's frustrated because he's been trying for 6 months and I'm not receptive. And it hurts him. I'm like, Seriously?! Yeah. I know exactly what it feels like to try and not have a receptive spouse. I've done it for almost 4 yrs now!

I'm worn out. I have no feelings left. I'm tired of living like this. I'm unhappy, I don't feel he's being genuine, he's still selfish and all about him. And always will be. I guess I had to figure it out at my own pace.

I agree with Godis. I think he wants to get your input so that he can tell you what you want to hear. I don't know if you ever actually asked him to move out of the house, but if you did and he didn't, that is major boundary stomping and a person can't feel on equal footing with their partner if he doesn't respect her wishes! It's like he wants to keep underfoot to monitor you and not let you forget him. That is highly annoying and not conducive to your healing.

I'm still sad about my divorce. It is truly heartbreaking, especially with kids, but sometimes it can't be avoided.

Rose - I have asked him to move out 3 separate times over the course of the last 3 years when our arguing had gotten so bad and there was so much tension in the house that our older daughter - 7 at the time - started commenting on it.

I'm realizing its a divorce and after such a long time together it's going to be heartbreaking. It's normal. And it's going to be hard for the children. But I'm thinking about how hard it's been on them now seeing us in this unhealthy relationship.

Our situation is on my mind every second of every day. I'm reading, thinking, weighing pros and cons, muddling through the days with such a heavy heart. It's taken it's toll on me. I just can't do it anymore. I know in my heart I have tried everything and have given it years and have given years of myself. I'm not living. Not like this. I want to be free of all this sadness and living in a state of "trying to fix" all the time.

Hon -----

Your last response
is gut-wrenchingly
articulate and
heartbreaking.

I could feel in my gut
exactly what you described.

I could feel that ultimate
moment of realization.

It's hard. It's so sad.
It's the funeral of so
many dreams.

It's also square two
on your journey to
freedom from abuse.

Sending you hugs
and healing thoughts.

Please take
very good care.

How do you get to square two. I'm so incredibly sad. Everything hurts so much. I don't know what I'm going to be like without him.

You're ALREADY on
"square two."

Square one was realizing
something was too wrong
to live with. Square two is
arriving at a decision on a
course of action. Square
three will be actually enacting
that decision.

You're on your way!

Good for you!!!!!

p.s. -----

Without him. . . . .

you're going to
RECOVER
and LIVE

FREE of ABUSE.

You know what? Without him, life might be really hard. For a bit. Or you may feel instant relief without the constant "atmosphere you could cut with a knife", in which case at some point it will GET hard.

But can life without him and without this constant rollercoaster and questioning and doubt and wondering and trying to make a decision - can it REALLY be any worse?

I get how hard it is, I was there too. I had an infant son, I had no real clue how to live without him, how to be a single parent. But like you, I got to a point where I just couldn't do it any more. I just couldn't live in limbo any more, I just couldn't pretend any more that there was any chance for ME to fix it.

It's sad. It's incredibly sad. But so is living as you have done. And it's SO hard to feel responsible for "breaking up the family". But it's abuse that breaks the family, not the decision to end a sham. And an abusive marriage is a sham. And even if he is changing (doesn't sound like he is, based on the pressure to just accept that he's changed and pretend everything's now hunky dory), even if he IS changing, if it's too late it's too late. That's not your fault. It's his, for all the years you tried SO hard and he didn't.

Thank you Ilene for the constant encouragement through this.

Liv - you're an inspiration to me. You've always been there for me too along this journey. I know I'll have ups/downs and hard times. I'm a strong person, I just lost it along the way somehow. I have to find it again. My girls are 9 and almost 3. We'll be OK. I have family and friends and a lot of support. And the friends I've made here on DS have been monumental in my growth and realizations about my husband, myself and our marriage.

Not, I`m so sorry you are hurting, and that things are so hard. You`ve got brilliant replies so far.

I just want to add that I have a problem with him trying to speed up your recovery. If a person can do damage, they can also take the consequences of that damage. It`s not punishment; it`s the effects of one person`s behaviour upon another. His behaving differently now is not an automatic cue for you to feel like you must give him something - he cannot expect that. The truth is, he could have behaved decently before, but he chose not to. He has not done anything special, actually :/

If he is asking you what he should discuss at IC, it means he is not looking into himself; he is doing what he thinks it would look like if he was taking it - and you - seriously. Given what I just said above, I`d say not.

I`m sorry Not, I really wish you didn't have to go through this :( But you have all our support. Huge hugs xxx

Thank you Rockin - You also make very good points. He is making it seem like I'm punishing him for staying downstairs and that it's taking me so long to recovery and feel good about myself. Thank you too so much for all of your support and love. I cant express how much it means. xoxo

Not,

Our situations seem eerily similar. I feel your pain and hurt literally. You asked what will it be like without him.

Your life will eventually be happy, free of abuse and free to be YOURSELF.
Like you your name says notmyself. Love your self and all ellse will eventually fall in to place.

Marrtin