Yea, my ex would think or act like everything was just fine because I stopped trying to talk to him about what wasn't fine. It was useless. He wouldn't listen, just argued with me about MY feelings, twisting things around, never taking any responsibility, getting madder and madder if I pursued the subject, trying to work things out with him. Trying to make him see. Then you shut up and feel numb and just go along so as to not cause anymore stress and he thinks things are great now.

Then a week later you'd try to talk again and he'd say, get over the past, why do you always want to go over stuff over and over. Because nothing "EVER" gets resolved! Because you never listen to me when I do talk. It just builds up and builds up and nothing is fine even if you think it is.

I just CAN'T ever talk to you in a normal, mature, or healthy way! ugh. It's so frustrating. They don't listen, then wonder why you want to leave all of a sudden, like it was all of a sudden and they did not wrong and you have problems or mood swings and are just playing games with their heart. Well, that's with my ex anyway.

There's nothing you can say to get him to agree with the fact that you're not happy and why and that you dont' want to deal with it anymore. You want out. You're done. He'll always have a response and it usually will be something's wrong with you.

My first boyfriend was like that. I had a baby by him. He just wouldn't let go or stop obsessing over me. And be a normal person and be a father and forget about me and let go of the idea that i'll ever be with him again. I don't love you, I'm not even attracted to you anymore. I dont' want to be with you. I just had to stop talking to him and avoid him. I even moved across the country. And he has had no contact with my son and did not even try really.

hugs to you

My ex used to do the same sort of thing. I would talk and talk about all the issues that we had and how unhappy I was, even begged him to divorce me at one point, promising I would be the best ex-wife ever! The morning after the last real attempt I had with talking to him about things, he left the house to go to work and asked me gruffly, "Is everything back to normal now?" And I just looked at him with my mouth open because absolutely nothing had been resolved! And he didn't care! (And then I settled into that numbness that Rainyangel describes, and stopped trying to communicate.) But even after that, I didn't leave him until after one more baby (our third) and about 6 years. I would say save yourself some trouble and stop hoping. And take your power. If he doesn't want a divorce, that's fine. But you have the right to get one. And he will lay it on thick, but always keep in mind that he will never ever change and nothing will ever be resolved. Even if he wasn't abusive, just being unhappy and not loving him anymore is enough reason for you to get a divorce! It is your life and your son will be happier if you are happier, too, and also won't be constantly exposed to a non-functioning marriage where you have no power. You go girl!!!

Hon -----

You've got to
STOP TALKING
and SHARING
with him.

As long as you feel
compelled to talk to
him, he will spin you
around and keep you
a hostage in his
control.

Call: (608) 255-0539

It's your state's women's
resource coalition. They
can help support you.



And the "can't live without. . . . "
line can be a sign of
a dangerous personality.

DEFINITELY CALL
the women's center
number ASAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have them help you make
a SAFETY PLAN. After that's
in place, think about getting
a lawyer, (or pro se paperwork
from the court), and serving
him with divorce.

"RESOLVED" Nothing was ever RESOLVED! That's the perfect way to describe these relationships and one of the things that was the final straw for me. I kept telling him nothing ever gets resolved between us and then he just kept doing more bad stuff on top of it and he couldnt understand why I always wanted to talk about the "past" and not move "forward" UH, because we never resolved anything, nothing ever got fixed or better and then on top of it he added more bad stuff. At the end I would say to him "are you really that dumb/stupid that you cant see/dont get it?" I would say "are you really that immature?" I couldnt believe I had actually fallen for/put up with someone who couldnt or wouldnt see this. It really was one of the realizations that made me decide I had to end it. Before that realization i kept thing I could make him understand/get it or that he would have a breakthrough/change, UH NO...and how stupid/immature was I to think he could!

Thank you for all your replies, they all do seem to do the exact same things, at least im not alone... I just need the courage and strength that i use to have come back to me, all i want is to be happy again and i know thats not going to be with him!

UNRESOLVED is the way it goes. He would get so pissed because I would want to talk about something that we had to him already discussed but it was always me talking and him just sitting there with a blank stare and mumbling. No conversation as it should have been with you explaining why this was a problem and trying to find a solution or even understanding what the problem was. My problems was always my problem. Me not getting his "joke" was because I didn't have a sense of humor. Me not understanding that he was being "sarcastic" was my problem because I had known him for so long and should have known better. Just ridiculous. Went around in circles without any resolution.

coffeecupgirl... Are you sure you weren't seeing my ex too? lol Man.. soooo very similar. I couldn't have explained it better myself. So frustrating and sickening. Like for real? You actually don't see what I'm seeing here??? You dont' get it? Maybe they do get it already. They don't want to talk about anything or resolve anything. Then they'd have to change.

exactly, you guys..

he'd something abusive, I'd be upset about it and want to talk about it, and he'd say 'that's in the past. why do you always bring up the past?' even if he did the bad thing 5 minutes ago, it was still the past.

then, he'd say something terrible like 'I'm going to murder you.' and when I brought that up he'd say 'why do you use my words against me all the time?'

you can never get it through their heads that they are ones doing it. in their minds, we're these crazy bitches that don't let go of the past and hold everything against them.

oh my God rachel! You were seeing him too? lol They are soooo alike in alot of ways. It's crazy. Conveniently forget what was done or said an hour ago or like you said, five minutes ago. I didn't say that. Don't put words in my mouth. wow, it's interesting that they are exactly alike that way. They get it. They don't want you to know or think they get it. They don't want to own it. Then they'd have to answer to it.

Other times, he'd say, I can't talk about things like you can. I don't sit there and dwell on shit like you. You want to go on and on and explain everything and I'm a guy, I'm not good with communication. I can only deal with so much. It's too much drama for me.

Not like I was asking him to recite a play verbatum or anything like that. lol Just have a "simple" normal chat about something I was thinking or feeling about. And they make you out like you're crazy and want to go on and on and blow everything out of proportion and twist things around. ugh... so pathetic. I feel sorry for them really

My ex was similar. He would swear up and down that he would change, and then threaten me at the same time. They all say they will change and that things will get better. The only way to leave is with no contact. Or else they will do whatever they can to persuade you back, apologies and tears included.

they'd say they'll never do it again AS they are doing it!!!!!!

pure crazy.

the night my ex hit me, he was holding me, crying, saying 'I'll never lose my temper with you again, ever..I love you..I swear, I'll never lose my temper again..it's just that you don't understand me...you don't understand me...YOU DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND ME!...hit...YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME.... head butt...YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME..pins me to the bed and shakes me...

yup. right in the middle of promising not do bad things..he starts doing worse things....

crazy times...

What they all said. I lived it too. My ex would even communicate this stuff with me in writing (via instant message - from the next room, crazy), and when I asked what he meant by something or why he said something, he'd deny saying it. If I copied and pasted, he'd either just come back with "well I can copy and paste too, you know" (um, yeah, I wasn't showing off some extraordinary skill that nobody else in the world possesses); or I'd get the tired old "you just use my words against me all the time" or "oh there is just NO talking to you, is there".

You can't win. The point of their game is to keep you playing, so for as long as you keep playing, they are winning. The ONLY way to win is to stop playing. That means don't try to convince him of anything any more, that's just a waste of what energy you have left over after just surviving him. Instead, use that energy to convince yourself. You have a right to be happy, you have a right to be loved, you have a right to be treated always with respect. And you have an absolute right to walk away from anyone who abuses you, without explanation (since an explanation will do no good).

You will not be "taking [your] son away from his family", you will be saving your son from an abusive household.

RainyAngel...I was with him too!!!!


This whole subject makes me want to literally throw up. To me this was the worst. It makes me so sick to think about all the seconds, minutes, hours, days I spent trying to get him to understand my point, my feelings, my anything. When all along he knew exactly what was what, he just didn't care or want to be help accountable in any way. It leaves you feeling like you are nothing. I also would just numb out, and felt so empty.

I'm still here, and just the other day he brought up something, HE brought it up, so all I said was well remember what you said about it? Well, that was it he then went into a frenzy about how this was my game, MY GAME( I didn't even bring it up) and he was not going to play it. I said ok. He got up and stormed off. It was ridiculous...I never talk to him about much of anything anymore just for this reason, it is not worth my breath and frankly I know longer care.