I'm not saying that they are perfect, but my husband and his mother get along well and my husband treats me like gold.

Very interesting perspectives here, and I definitely appreciate the male input. JLeon, you are absolutely right. I wouldn't want anyone basing whether to enter a relationship with me strictly on the basis of my relationship with my father/parents.

I don't think that it alone is enough to determine whether your mate will be abusive, but I do believe that if there are other red flags in addition to poor treatment of mother/parents that they should be closely examined and heeded. (but we rarely do, do we?)

It's just a little pearl of wisdom that I saw somewhere and found it thought-provoking. I was interested in hearing others' viewpoints as well.

I have a question if anyone comes back and is willing to answer.

Does it make a difference if the abuser was the mother with how they treat their Mom???

I also believe that it depends. My husband treats his mom okay--he'll be nice to her and send her money but sometimes he will willfully disrespect her house just to show her that he can.

I think that looking at the whole family picture helps. Sometimes even biology can show signs too. After I recognized that I was being abused, I found out that my dad abused my mom when I was a baby before they split . My mom is most likely currently in an abusive marriage, based on her behavior. His mom revealed to me that his dad (that he barely met) had uncontrollable "mood swings" and "only she could comfort him", signs of at least codependent behavior if not an abusive relationship.

Gem, to answer your question, it makes a difference, it's a factor to be weighed in, but I go back to my original point that it's one thing to not have a close relationship with your parent or parents (particularly if abusive), but there are ways of doing that which don't involve abuse. The fact that a guy (to take the specific) says that his mother was abusive and that they are not close is not the same thing as constantly going on about what a bitch she is, treating her like dirt or whatever.

I think it's a bit like the exes thing. If someone tells you early on that all their exes are psychos, then you probably have a problem. If they slowly open up about the fact they have previously been in abusive relationships, then that's a different thing.

It's all about context, balance, the way things are shared, when they are shared. As others have said, it's complicated, but I do think that a guy treating his mother badly is a red flag. But it's nowhere near proof of abusiveness. Just something to watch, is all.

I do think that watching how someone treats anyone - from parents, siblings and exes to complete strangers like waitstaff and store clerks etc - is a really good idea.

Thanks Livn,
That makes perfect sense. I'm happy to get that cleared that up.
I was really confused about the whole thing.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))

my man has an odd relationship with his mom, but watching him grow up he was raised by his grandma, his mom was always moving here and there, and she would come get him and take him to where ever she was living at the time. But most of his life he spent here on the rez.
Mostly he goes and helps her with what ever community activity she is doing and then requires her to pay him money, for whatever he has done. She gives him money all the time, even if he doesnt' ask for it. I don't know it's just all really weird for me.
As for me, I go through times when I get angry at my mom/dad because they signed me over to my "mom" when I was 6 weeks old, I didn't even know I had a real mom/dad until I was in grade school, because I had to do a family tree. I met them as strangers. I argued with my mom and said they weren't my parents, that she was my mom, and went and stood behind her and cried.
So yes I believe the relationship with our parents does reflect on our relationships today.
I have since forgiven my mom/dad and do have relationships with them and do visit them often, my mom that raised me passed away when I was 17.