Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I read something today that said "A man will never treat a woman better than he treats his mom. Pay attention to how the guys treat their moms, and run from the ones who aren't respectful." Have you noticed any similarities or differences between your man and the way he treats his mom vs. you?
At least when it comes to male abusers, their relationship with their mother is an indicator, I think.
The issue here is not the specific nature of the relationship which is, as you say, very often complicated. But it's about whether the person treats others close to him or her (such as parents) abusively.
Women intimidate him as well and there is a combination of resentment/disregard, and adoration at the same time!
I can't even pretend to figure it out!
I so think there is a connection!
I as a mother of two wonderful boys, have been blamed for decisions my sons made with other adults (without my input).
I had a hard childhood, physically and emotionally abused all my life.
But I ALONE had the choice of who I became.
My H really hated what his parents did to him when he was little.
When I married him he was 30 and I was 21. He always treated his Mom and Dad with respect. They were always nice to him after I married him, and tried hard not to make him mad because they, especially his mother was always a little afraid of him.
The fighting started in their family when he was 5 years old. It was because of a move. Then his dad started drinking. H lived with his parents knock down drag out fights that his mother was the one who started the knocking down, he was always in the middle, as his mother saw to it he was involved, as well as all the emotional abuse that pretty well screwed him up for life as the parents cared way more about fighting with each other than they cared about him.
They made him into someone who was never loved so he had no clue what love was. He could be violent at the drop of a hat if you pushed the right buttons which I NEVER did. The physical abuse pretty much stopped when his dad quit drinking, when H was about 16 and spending ALL his time at friends.
It was his Mother who was always trying to kill his Dad for drinking. She was so emotional abusive that it would have been hell to live with her and not drink.
My H was very good at hiding how he really felt, if it was in his favor, so I believe an abuser could play the game of treating his folks well if introducing someone new to them.
I think it could be a factor, but I feel it is really important to find out if he or she had a happy childhood.
My husband had a great relationship with his Mom as a child. His Dad was a bossy drinker so the Mother divorced him when the kids were teens. She then went on to make some poor choices for herself.
She and I had a good relationship and are alike in many ways.
For some reason my husband had the habit of calling her up and complaining about me! He would tell her I didn't cook enough, I didn't clean enough... just generally complain about me. She would always stick up for me and tell him to be nice to me! She and I could talk for hours. We had so much in common.
She passed away a couple of years ago and I miss her. Now I'm stuck with his older sister who is the epitome of the Bad Mother in law stereotype. She hates every single one of her son's girlfriends and has always hated me as well.. She thinks I'm a lazy gold digger who wants to make her brother into my sugar daddy!
After hearing about how horrible his ex-wife was (with red flags waving wildly around), I clung to his loving description of his mom as proof that he wasn't the problem in his relationships. Wrong!
In Lundy's book, Why Does He Do That?, he says that one of the best indicators of whether or not a man is likely to become an abuser is if he comes from an abusive home, particularly one where the man abused the women.
My ex was a classic example.
Hi dad would rage at his mom and withdraw into silence for day, weeks, ect., afterwards. He expected her to do everything and apologizing was beyond him. He would break up these acts of cruelty by doing something beyond what was expected of him (which was basically anything).
His mom would make excuses for him and not intervene when he would abuse the kids. My ex admitted to calling her a 'c*nt' and a 'b*tch'. She would never scold him and if she did, he would tell her to 'f*ck off'.
He began doing this at age 7!!!
The true nature of his relationship with his parents wasn't revealed until I had known him for years. He didn't want anyone to know the truth.
He hated his mom for staying, and resented her for not sticking up for herself.
In summary, I agree with Livin', the best indicator about whether or not someone will become abusive is whether or not they treat you with respect. I think Lundy also has a point: look at their family relationships. It can be a good indicator about the kind of relationship that feels natural to them.
The first abusive woman I was with was not on regular speaking terms with her mother, and I am not sure the reason. She both hated her dad, but also manipulated him for money. She would say that she wished she made more money so that she would never have to talk to her dad again.
The woman I am with now was physically and emotionally abused by her late mother, including threats of death and physical hitting. She also hates her father, whom is also emotionally abusive and neglectful when she was growing up.
But I also know many women who have strained relationships with their parents but are good hearted people. So, I don't think the relationship someone has with their parents is a fool-proof indicator of how they will treat you. Perhaps it is a red flag if he/she carries a lot of baggage or anger towards his/her parents, but if he/she just doesn't maintain a close family or parental relationshp but is otherwise respectful, I think that is normal.
Abuser 1) Brought up by mother alone - no father figure - called his mother - in 2 years of being together I never met her as she lived out of her car and different motels across the country - he told me stories of growing up like this, no formal education. the few times he answered the phone with a "What" and would hang up on her.
Abuser 2) Raised primarily by his mom - father abused and cheated on her - put mother on a pedestal and objectified all women. His mom admitted to me that he seemed to be abusive but she did everything for him- she had keys to the house, actually owned the house and took whatever from my ex because he was an only child.
Abuser 3) Raised primarily by his mom because his dad traveled a lot - - said she favored his brothers over him and he openly said he hated his mother, I could see why a lot of the time - she was not nurturing to him, but totally codependent with her grandson, my stepson, and tells the grandson that his father, my STBX, that he was a bad father. So much dysfunction there.
So in my experience, the mother/son, relationship does play a part.
In some of the healthier relationships I've been in, the men have been nicer to their moms - again - my experience only.
I say this because in the beginning i noticed just how close they seemed.He would tell her all his and our business which really irritated me,i noticed how she have into all his wishes,and if she tried to say no,he would be very disrespectful to say the least,i wondered if she was afraid of him.
down the line,he did the same with me.