duvessa, IMHO, there is a big difference between you and your abuser, as is w/many abuse victims. That difference is you WANT to change and you RECOGNIZE and admit your less than healthy behaviors. It is extremely hard work and takes dedication and continued effort to change long term behavior, but its certainly possible. I found it very difficult to make lasting consistent changes while living in an abusive/toxic/dysfunctional environment. While still hard when out, its definitely easier. If I found something wasn't working, I'd seek other advice/suggestions/treatment.

We're all human w/our individual foibles and we all (or most of us) get triggered and that's where learning coping skills can help. Nothing is perfect, but IMHO, perfection isn't what life is all about. It's about learning and growing and healing.

I really like how SockItToMe said it in reply #3. I quote:
"
Here's what has to happen-
1. The person has to realize there's an issue.
2. The person has to realize THEY are the issue.
3. The person has to want to change.
4. The person has to want to do the work.

Chances are, they don't even accept #1."

Ultimately, all we can do is work on our own issues. From what I have learned and what others here have said, that's a lot easier to do when we are away from the abuse. I've posted before and linked to various studies that show how abuse affects the brain which explains how abuse affects the brain and why it continues as long as we continue to stay in the abuse.

I liken it to entering a room marked "plague" w/o having an effective vaccination. How many of us would walk thru that door knowing we will more than likely be infected?

Thank you MTC, I am going to try & let myself ride with the idea that knowing my issues, wanting to change, & working to change, will actually make the difference.

I'm getting a lot of help & am in a group as well (not divorce related, mindfulness) so I will keep working.

Your words & ideas are comforting. Thank you

My issue with the Index cards, is that it makes one person seem like an "expert" and pull in the weight of past responses to shout down someone else.

I'm also not quite sure if continuously bumping up your own copyrighted material is okay on DS. Ilene could easily just PM the index cards to whoever.

That said, I can see use for it...and dangers. There's truth to the idea that some people that CHOSE to stay in dysfunctional relationships continuously engage in selective amnesia. If they walked out the door the first (or even third, or tenth, or twentieth) time their partner got out of hand, they'd have been gone the first month.

Therapy doesn't "fix" or change a dysfunctional partner. It does change your response to that dysfunction.


So in one sense, I see Shasta's responses of great value to people either newly into a dysfunctional relationship, or long out of it.

While I see Ilene more of use to those stuck in denial.

Running either one off, or joining together in cliques, to shout down either voice...seems tragic to me.


As for the Ignore feature. Just a warning. Posting on the boards that you're using it against another DS user is probably against the rules...and can get you banned.

I've used it. It works. It's like going to my room, getting a cup of tea, some quiet poetry and calming down. Then I undo it. And comments by some random person across the great expanse of our Earth...no longer bothers me.

DS is NOT therapy. It's not a "safe room". It's an open board.

Note: If you want that safe room, DS has the option to start a Group. The Founder can then set the rules, censor, and ban whoever they want.

Until then, we're stuck with each other. I, for one, like that. There's a lot to be said for hearing the voices of those that disagree with me...often. I feel for their humanity. I feel like hearing those voices makes me a better person and a better parent.

Healing Hugs to all,
Patti

***I really think I write too much. ;p Anyone want to throw metaphysical pies at me?***

Wouldn't that be a great DS "hug"....a pie to throw?