The answer is really very simple--You put your SON and his needs FIRST. That's who should be first. He is having horrible issues, caused by your husband. It is YOUR job to take care of him and PROTECT him first. I think people have already voiced their opinion on how shocked we all are at what this horrible man is doing to your son. I don't think your family should back off. They are right. They are thinking of your son, like you should do. Please, racer, leave this guy, for the sake of your son. You know what this man is doing to your boy> How can you stand seeing your son full of so much anxiety all the time??????? It is your JOB to fix it.
He is totally destroying your sons life, and you don't want to hurt him???

I'm so sorry you're having to live like this. You and your son deserve so much better.

The thing is they do NOT hurt the same way we do. His hurt is all about him and his loss of his source(s). His hurt doesn't come from a place of love.

Once you are out, as each day passes, you will begin to see more clearly how toxic that environment is/was.

If you cannot put yourself first, the put your son first! You don't have to forget about your abuser, you just have to leave him. Letting go of him is a process.

About your son: He is learning that it's ok to abuse and be abused.The longer you expose him to the abuse, the better the chances are that he will either become an abuser (not just to a future wife, but also to you) OR he will get into a relationship where he is being abused.

You have the support of your family. Please let them help you leave. Make a SAFE plan to go. Make copies of all your financial records including tax returns. Make sure those copies, along w/your marriage license, you & your son's social security cards, medical records & any other important papers including any documentation you have of the abuse & put them in a safe deposit box that he doesn't have access to. Get a post office box in your name. Get his name off all of your credit cards.

Get you and your son into therapy ASAP.

And above all, take good care of you and do NOT tell him what you are doing!

What they said. I have been in 3 abusive relationships now. My son saved me from each of them. I am his mother, and I needed to get us out before we were harmed beyond repair. I had to get out for him.

" I need this over for my sanity, and health of me and my son, how do I put my self first and forget about him'
Start by separating yourself from him as much as possible. Start sleeping in another room and don't be intimate with him. Then spend as little time around him as you can arrange. go out with friends or family without him. Join a club you are interested in, go back to school, join a gym etc, whatever you want to do that gives you space and distance from him. Don't tell him about your day about your concerns or compalin to him about his behavior. Avoid conversation as much as possible with him sinceyou know where it will lead. don't cater to him either. Have so much to do that you don't have the time to do his laundry or cook for him either. Then as you get used to having a separate life from him and not catering to his every need, leaving him won't be such a shock or as difficult imo.

What they all said. After I joined this site, I started sleeping in my daughter's room and avoiding spending time with him wherever possible. By that point he disgusted me, but I wasn't ready to leave. However, he looked after my daughter in the day while I worked and she started behaving oddly and I started getting worried about what he might be doing while I wasn't there. After a while I managed to get in touch with the local women's refuge and talked about things with them.

Then one day my ex was openly aggressive towards my daughter, and he started raging in front of us both, not just telling her off but claiming he gives us everything and we give him nothing (i.e. including my daughter, who is only 2). For the rest of the week he acted like he hated me and I was terrified he was going to do something horrible.

I went back to the women's refuge people and told them what had happened and that I wanted to leave. At this point, they told me that if I didn't leave, they would be reporting us to child protection because they didn't think it was safe for me to be leaving my daughter with him. That decided it.

When I gave birth to my daughter, I held her in my arms and promised her I would protect her forever. Up until I left 2 weeks ago, I was failing to do that. I never want to fail her again. My ex is supposedly hurting now, I am definitely hurting now, my life is in a bit of a mess, but my daughter is so much better off and so much happier. Just look at your son and remind yourself that he is SO much more important than your husband x

What they said.

It's not about him or even you any more. It's about your son. He has no choices. If it were just you, then you can choose to put him first and lose yourself if that's what you want to do. But what you are choosing to do is put your perception of his feelings above the health and safety of your innocent child. He is the author of this situation - in the highly unlikely event he is hurt by you leaving (rather than just miffed that his crappy old piece of furniture got up and walked away and now he has nothing to put his feet on), then that's just called consequences. We are all responsible for our actions, and we must accept the consequences of those actions.

On the other hand, right now, your son is suffering the consequences of having been born. THAT is not fair.

You don't have to forget about him. You can continue compassion for him, you can continue to wish him well, you can feel sad for any perceived pain you may cause him. But please, don't forget about your innocent child who is being damaged every day.

If you can't do it for you (and I know I couldn't myself leave, for me), then do it for your son.

Can you look your son in the eye and say "I'm sorry he's hurting you, I'm sorry he's causing all these major anxieties in you at such a young age, I'm sorry for the fact that this will only get worse for you as you grow up with him and that you will carry scars for the rest of your life. But I'd rather you suffer for his actions and choices than risk him hurting."

Thank you so much for your responses and caring. I know you are all right, I can rationalize it and know that this is all bad and that i need to leave, my boy means the world to me and I know i need to put him first in every aspect of my life because he is my life. And your right he doesn't hurt the way we do, it is all about him, he is very selfish and thinks that he can do no wrong even though it is blatantly obvious right in his face. I can confont him on things that he does with his behaviour and he thinks its ok because thats how he was raised, well how fricken well did that turn out but he doesn't even see that he thinks hes perfect.
I know I need to get the hell out of here and I just need to do it no more whining, no more worrying about him, this needs to be done so my son can have some semblance of a normal life. Thank you all again for always being here for me, and thank you for caring about me and my son, I know you all speak from experience and know you only want the best for us. Some days I just need a kick in the pants to remember what we have gone through!

Leaving is really really hard and it's scary as hell. I think its ok to whine &/or cry &/or scream while you're planning to leave, leaving and after you've left. Do whatever you need to do to safely release your emotions. It's much healthier to express them than stuff them.

That's the great thing about this group - it's so supportive. So keep posting here & in your journal!

Hugs