Good luck getting him to leave. Most of us left, it was easier and we were scared and sick and done.

It's very hard to get someone to leave if they don't want to. An amusing story from a friend of mine was when her abusive partner refused to leave (it was her place), she just started to say "leave" as the only word she'd utter. If he said good morning, she'd say "leave". If he asked her whether they had any milk, she'd say "leave". Took about 2 days for him to leave.

That won't always work though, and I couldn't do it myself. It took me 6 months of consistent effort to get my ex to leave - and eventually that was only possible because he messed up bad enough that I was able to get the police to remove him and get a restraining order preventing him coming back. A little extreme.

There are sometimes ways to get him to leave - I was in the process of getting legal advice for my jurisdiction on just that point when it became moot. But the reality is that unless it's your place (and not his), you will probably be the one who has to leave. Talk to your local women's centre or women's aid or whoever it is in your area. Try to find yourself some counselling if you haven't already (it took me 6 months of counselling to even have the strength to start trying to get him to leave).

You don't have to be stuck in it forever, but I would advise against telling him you want out. Get your ducks in a row first, then just go - he'll figure it out. Another option, if you are up to it (again, not something I was able to do) is to call the police and report the rapes. I don't know what the police are like in your area, or how forceful the rape is (it doesn't have to even BE forceful to be rape, it just has to be without your willing consent, but the more force is involved, the easier it is to prove, since otherwise it's your word against his).

There are things you can do, plans you can make. Keep them secret from him, get yourself as much support as possible.

You will have to leave hun. Do not tell him you are leaving. Your life depends on it. He took over the finances to try to prevent you from leaving. If you want it bad enough and are determined you can get out. You have to be very smart and careful.

I'm so sorry Teddy. You do indeed need to get away from him.

I'm also sorry to say that I had to leave. And that meant not just leave him, but my entire dream (horse farm, blah, blah, blah). I still have thoughts about how if I had just stayed he probably would have let me. Of course, we wouldn't be in a relationship and no doubt I would eventually have to watch him close-up in a new one and no doubt I would still get treated as a second-hand citizen....and in other words in would have been poison to me.

So in hindsight, I really didn't have a choice. He wasn't budging...of course, not, he doesn't otherwise have a job. And I'm very fortunate to have had great friends to put me up during this traumatic time.

Anyway, my long-winded point is your focus must be on getting away from him. How that looks....depends on your circumstances. I don't know. I hope you find the resources, including yourself, to figure out whether he goes or you go. I hope you can make that happen. You deserve better.

Wishing you well,
LT

Teddy Bear,
Please, please, you have been in this mess way to long. Please find a way to leave----to save yourself. A woman's shelter will let you bring your kids with you and they will help you find a safe place to go.
Just don't let your abuser know you are planning on leaving. Do you have any relatives you could stay with?

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Society thinks that when we tell our abuser to leave, they do. They don't. In my case, the house was in my name only, so, he had to go. And yes, you do have legal grounds for your husband to leave. He is abusing you..Also there is rape in marriage when there is violence involved. I got an protective order against my abuser, and the police got him out of my house.

I just want to add that when I started just accepting my husbands abuse, he started getting meaner and more intense.
When I showed that I cared-- he would say and do things for shorter periods of time... but when I just didn't care he needed a response of some sort from me. When I told him to leave me a lone (which I understand is way different than leaving ) then he told me to go find someone who could put up with me......and was worse to me....
My point is, my husband would not take responsibility for his actions or feelings or how I felt because of his actions..... he still isn't (I am still the bad, dumb, {I promised Kaz I would not use my favorite word to describe myself anymore} cold hearted, uncaring, etc person). Occasionally he would say he "had called a lawyer and was going to sell the house," but those were lies....he never called anyone I know as a fact.
Now that I am gone he wants me back....
I am not going to say that all people who abuse are the same, but I do not think most understand that we are fighting for our lives when we are on the floor in a fetal position crying and praying..... you might have to leave rather than wait on him to respect your wishes...
I hope you find peace.

This one one of the things I brought up tonight in group, it was soooo hard to get him to leave, I left and went to my moms for a week in June, he never left, then I came back still trying to convince him to finish the move, then we had another huge fight right before I had to go out of town, he had already found a new nook up, so he finally left, but continued to tell me I needed to move so he could move back in. I think if you can find any means to leave, it would likely be easier to do. It would also depend on if your buying the home, who's names on it, or if your leasing it. I agree, with what others have said though, go speak to someone at your local DV shelter, or an advocate and try to make a plan that can suit you. Stay strong, stay safe, and I wanted to send you a big hug'

The problem with me leaving is that we live in a duplex situation that is owned by my mom. I don't want to leave her to deal with him.

Teddybear,
I am confused. If your Mom owns the duplex then why can't he be forced to move. He doesn't own it and he is torturing and raping you???

I am not sure. that is what the victim advocate told me when I talked to them. In order for him to have to leave, she would have to evict us all

Did you tell them that you would like to leave him, that he abuses and has raped you??
Something can't be right

Yes I did. I thought that it was odd too. I feel very stuck at the moment.

teddybear, can your mom "evict" you both, you go live with your mom, and then live back in the duplex?

And I agree - go to the police about the rape. See about getting an order of protection. It is for your safety!

Do you have a woman's shelter in your town?
They would be the people to go to for advice. I have a feeling that victims advocate really doesn't know very much.
I think if you could live with your Mom also would be good.
Good luck.

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