I'm sorry. I've really left out some important points. When it comes to the kids. I do not sway easily. I don't agree with checking my teenager's teeth so I don't. That is one thing we battle over. And we do not fight in front of the kids. We discuss these things in private away from the kids. They do know there is tension. They do know mom and dad don't agree on disciplines like that. Which is a huge problem because we don't show a united front. I do help my 7 yr old with her teeth. Obviously she is still at an age she needs some guidance.

It does bother me that I can't provide that united front to my children. That dad and I can't compromise. I hate that they know that. I think that is truly makes me feel the worst.

I do have a few friends I have confided in. Although cant is right, there are parts of me that feel socially isolated. Fake even. And I hate that. I have to swallow the bile in my throat every time some one tells me how awesome my husband is.

You have provide an amazing safe haven here to discuss this. And have provide some scary realty that I must face. :-)

I have not read all of the other posts written to you, but I had to chime in here. Reading your post makes me cringe, I am so sorry this is happening to you. Its not your fault.

Your spouse is *definitely* abusing you. It is emotional abuse and *most* people including trained marriage counselors do not understand it. (do not trust typical marriage counselors.)

My spouse has never been physically abusive either. Just because he hasn't physically abused you yet, doesn't mean he won't.

The book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft may be of some help to you.

Please be careful.

Look at his actions and ask yourself, is this something I would do in the same situation? Would you tell your spouse the things he is saying to you, or your kids? Then ask yourself why? There's your answer.

It must be so frustrating and exhausting to feel like your constantly in a battle for your core values and beliefs in raising your kids against such a rigid and intractable man who does not care how you feel. I would become very passive aggressive in a situation like that (well, I did actually). I was always "forgetting" to do things my abuser was trying to force me to do as a way of bucking his control w/o being assertive and saying something just wasn't going to fly, which was sure to cause more abuse. Of course what I didn't realize is being passive aggressive caused more abuse, just breathing caused more abuse. It is such a difference to be in a health relationship, where if I feel strongly about something my bf will comprise for me, and I'll do the same when something is more important to him than it is to me. No "winning" or "losing" or meaningless battles for power.

This is a safe place to discuss. People are in all different situations, some are still with their abusers, some are in the process of leaving some have long left, but everyone has a lot of compassion and understanding of the similarities and differences in our situations. Whenever you start to feel crazy, or like something is wrong with you, I hope you'll come here for some support and clarity.

I really want to echo some of the things you have already been told.

What is happening here is quite severe abuse, in several forms: financial (docking your allowance as punishment); emotional (all of it); verbal (calling you lazy etc); religious (telling you God would reward you both if you cleaned better); and sexual (punishing you for not having sex with him "often enough", with "often enough" being solely determined by him). The fact that he hasn't hit you yet is only because he either hasn't needed to (the rest of his abuse is enough to keep you compliant) or because he is afraid of the consequences - to him. Anyone willing to inflict the kind of psychological abuse he is doling out to you and your children every day is not going to baulk at physical abuse out of any sense of morality or care for your wellbeing.

Let me also go back to the religious abuse to expand on what he is saying here. Not only is it clearly ridiculous to say God only bestows blessings on those with clean houses, but he's also making you responsible for his own heavenly blessings. Note he says God would reward "us" if you were cleaner. What he's really saying is that anything good that doesn't happen for HIM is your fault because you didn't clean house well enough and thus God didn't see fit to bestow that particular blessing on him. And again, who gets to decide how clean God wants a house before God will bestow such blessings? Well, your H does of course. He's got you coming AND going with this one.

Do you ever get the feeling that everything in the known world is your fault? Guess whose fault THAT actually is. The fact he is willing to hold your housekeeping skills responsible for any perceived lack of God's blessing that he receives suggests that perhaps if you dusted behind the books more often, world poverty would end, there would be peace in our times and harmony between cultures and races. All your fault you see. God took one look at your house and washed his hands of all of us.

Your kids. You say you want for your son that he develops independent thought, yet you model to him that only men get to have independent thought, because what your H says goes. You don't check their teeth even though he wants you to? Well the teeth get checked anyway and you AND the kids get punished for the fact that you attempted an independent thought.

Your original post was headed with a question. How do you know? Well you answered it in the first line, when you said "Sometimes I just feel so insane". Classic reaction to long term emotional abuse.

In addition to the resources here, and that have already been suggested, please check out www.youarenotcrazy.com.

Oh and make sure your H does NOT know you are coming here (or about any other abuse resource you use). Don't tell him you are on to him, don't tell him he's abusive. He will up his game.

Remember, he hasn't been physically abusive towards you YET, in part because he hasn't needed to be. Remember also that the straight to bed and 8:30am chores which was required of both kids was a way of making sure you know he is absolutely not above punishing the kids for your "bad" behaviour (ie not agreeing with him 100% and doing entirely as you are told). He knows you love your kids, and is clearly not above using them as weapons or tools.

It's almost eerie how you guys can accurately perceive so much more than I wrote about. Several things mention were dead on.

What drives me most nuts...that make up period following the outburst. Where for days he acts like he's at my beckon call. He goes above and beyond to do for me, extra compliments, buying me things, helping around the house. He tries to act like we're the best of friends and we should just hang out and chat. Ugh.

Thank you all so much for your advice. I am checking in to the resources. Reading a lot on this site. He doesn't know I'm here and he won't ever. I've learned to keep a lot on the down low. :-)

Google the cycle of abuse and you will find that even the nice is abusive, when taken as part of the whole cycle.

Think about this. Imagine you are tired after a rough day. You come home and he's there. He smiles, offers to make you a cup of tea and pulls out a chair for you to sit on, to put your feet up. You feel so good, because he's being so very nice. So you go towards him and sit on the chair that he's offered. Only to find he pulls it out from under you as you are sitting, you land flat on the floor and he laughs. That's pretty much what his nice is about - it's him enticing you to sit in that chair again, only to have it pulled out from under you again so he can laugh at your misery. It's all part of the abuse, even when it feels like he's being nice.

That is the cycle of abuse you described. I know it well, so does my daughter, and many people on this forum. No one would ever stay long with an abuser who offered absolutely nothing in return. They do just enough to keep us on the hook, and yet nothing ever really changes. My abuser was amazing at apologizing when I was at my whits end, but then kept doing the exact same things over and over and over again. The apologies were just a manipulation, nothing more. They give enough, what's easy for them to give, but anything that requires change, or actually meeting needs that are important to us-forget it.

My abuser was fabulous at discharging all of his frustration in a frightening rage, channeling it into whatever I hadn't done right (in his mind), and then as soon as he was done HE felt fantastic and I was a wreck. He just transferred all his stress to me and was oblivious to it's effects on me. I was like the proverbial dog to be kicked when he'd had any kind of frustration. And since he was a total Narcissist who thought everything should always go the way he pictured things in his head, he got frustrated daily.

It's a very lonely place, where you are. Our spouses should be our rock, they should be the first person we share our hopes and dreams and sadness and fears with, not someone we hide all that from because they'll use it against us. I am so sorry you're experiencing that. These abusers, as different as they are, share A LOT of similarities, and it has similar effects on their victims. You are not alone.

This is a good resource, a good place for support. Please take good care of yourself, and stay safe as you gain knowledge.

Yes, we are able to perceive it, because we have lived it.

So sorry you are going through this too.

I have to chime in here, I have been following this and this is great advice. The one thing I would add is that my stbx would make me or my son miserable and then swoop in to be the hero and sweet and to save the day. This filled his narc ego, and made him feel like "he won" once again. He was not a rager, but his passive aggression would take your breath away. I have some of the most beautiful gifts I ever received from him. Push you away and pull you back in. I also had women tell me they were jealous, that everyone wished he was their husband. If they only knew. That nicenes sis part of the spider web that is so hard to extricate yourself from. Now that we have been living apart I can see how insidious and damaging even what I thought were small things were not. Your mind/your awareness comes back to you in layers. Sure, it is heartbreaking the way he is living in my town with a girlfriend and schmoozing happily with my friends, but even with all of that I have not for one day regretted him being gone from here. Not one. It was literally killing me, not to mention the damage to my son, and I know that is true. Best wishes to you, we can relate. Keep reading about narc info and websites, utube videos, etc.

OMW.....mine uses God too and what a hypocrite! How can being stricter make u a better parent? I have a special needs child and I learned a long time ago that u have to pick ur battles with children and don't sweat the small stuff. I tell my son to brush his teeth at least 10 times a day when school is out. I'm different on school days and have to make sure. And on a time schedule? Who can be on time schedules any more? There is always something that comes up to throw the time off...lol. I agree with a lot of what is said. There is nothing u do that will ever be good enough. Don't tell him anything. I had to literally pack and move in a day and yes, that pissed him off because I wasnt under his control. Of course that is when the stalking began to escalate, but there are times when I can just breathe now! It is not u or those poor kids. It is him most definitely!