I am so, so sorry for what he's putting you through!

It is never enough because your husband is an abuser. It will never, ever be enough, because he doesn't really want you or your kids to be perfect-he gets off on controlling you all. What he really wants are opportunities to abuse you, so if you do ever do anything "right" or "good enough" he will find something else to criticize, and control and use to make you feel inferior and subservient. Calling the kids failures, and you failures as parents, over something as superficial as brushing their teeth? Are they capable of joy, and treating others with respect, are they hardworking, resilient, emotionally intelligent, brave, cooperative, responsible, confident, THESE are the traits that stand the test of time, these are attributes to be proud of, who they are as individuals who will contribute to the world and hopefully find happiness, not what their freaking teeth look like or how many cavities they have!

He sounds extremely controlling, demeaning, just a nasty piece of work-if you'll excuse me for saying so, since I suspect you have some idea about it already since you're on here and talking about these traits you know somewhere are a hundred shades of WRONG.

YOU are not the problem! Your job as a mother and running a household ads every bit as much value as his "dream job" and it is NOT a job for lazy, spoiled people. He KNOWS this is a button for you, something you worry about and feel guilty, an insecurity of yours about so he's using it to hurt you with. You realize how slimy and manipulative that is? I'm sorry, I doubt very much God would withhold blessings from good hearted people because there'd dust on the bookshelves-that is religious abuse to use God against you that way-it's horrible. And the porn thing-as you guessed I'm sure a load of crap and sexual abuse as well. Making you apologize about hitting a bump in the car? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE know this is not normal, not healthy, and you don't have to live this way! Have you considered getting out of this nightmare?

If I've made you scared, or offended you, (because I get so worked up and mad at what these abusers do to their victims) please just take ONE thing away from what I'm saying to make your life one small degree better-IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT he abuses you. YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM! The problem is he is a controlling, narcissistic abuser!

I agree with everything Cant74deal has said. I just want to stress that no matter how high his standards may be, if you manage to meet them, they will be raised.

Ah justaguest your post makes me sad. It reminds me of the hell I existed in with my ex husbands.

Deep breath here!
You are not the problem. You know this but he makes you doubt it with his bullying.
You are not responsible for his porn addiction. You know that.
You work as hard as you can taking care of the family and the house. You know that too.

All relationships, work and personal, are based on control and good ones involve give and take which we negotiate as we get to know each other. Being the sole breadwinner in a relationship deludes some people into thinking it gives them the right to control the lives of the people they are providing for. The situation you describe is obviously just the latest power play in a long list which is your daily life.

Everything he is doing is designed to undermine and criticise you and your children. And it's working because you are allowing it to.

He calls you lazy. You're not. You value being seen as a good wife and mother - after all that's your allotted role isn't it. Once I would have been like you and instantly got upset and rushed around trying to prove I'm not lazy. Now I'd say 'Its up to you if you think that lol"

Power balance evolves over time and he's worked hard to get things his way. This is how he likes it. He won't give that up without a big struggle. It won't be a nice civilised chat over a coffee with him suddenly seeing the light and promising to change. He'll use every tactic he knows to maintain his position..Is it worth the effort?

Can you take some time to think and decide how you really want the rest of your life to go. Think about what a good relationship would look like to you and how think a good father would treat his children.

Then honestly assess whether you can ever have that with this man. Good luck. I really wish you all the best. I've been where you are x

Sending you hugs. What you describe is so very difficult.

It is not you! It will never be enough, I know because I tried for many, many years.

You found this support group, which will be a good help, consider what you and your kids deserve and what is best for all of you

Take good care of yourself, keeping you in my prayers.

I detest when they bring God into an argument or as a threat. They should not be using God in their dirty deeds. Mine brought God into it when I broke and texted him back yesterday. He actually drove me nutz just texting yesterday.
But back to your issue, wow, really? Come open your mouth to get checked? That is so controlling and crazy too. The way the talks to you and makes you feel like your at his mercy because your the one who stays home and takes care of the house and kids. Maybe you should just say screw that and go get a job! Then you wont need his allowance. i bet that would drive him real nutz to see you be independent. I noticed part of the abuse is them liking to see us at their mercy and dependent on them. Its like the derive power from it. I know mine has been freaking out since I kicked him out ( which I did this time because he had to go to his ex wifes on Thanksgiving and I was only trying to work it out until I saw with my own eyes he would do it to me again, and he did), but now i have housemates and I have a better financial situation and that kills him. He can't stand for me not to need him now.
So what I'm saying is he is even abusing your kids. I think telling them to get up and do chores by 8:30am is rediculous too! I used to say I spoil my son - with love! And there is nothing wrong with that. I checked to make sure my son was taking showers when he should and brushing his teeth but this isn't the army ya know? They don't need to be treated that way and neither do you. What do you think you will do about all of this? I think first step - maybe look for a job and turn the tables around. Kids can go to school and childcare with some of the money and you can stash some away in case you ever have the need to leave you would be ready. If you want to work things out he needs to address his abusive behavior dont you think?
It is totally abusive to you and your kids.

Ok ^^^ something ate my post ^^^lol....

Wow! Thanks for the responses. I wasn't expecting so much so fast.

I know you guys are right. I knew before I vented all that.

Unfortunately I still question if I'm doing a good job with my kids. Maybe if I was stricter. More chores. Dishes. Trash. Cleaning up. I would be a better parent. I wasn't raised that way so it's difficult for me to parent that way. But I am trying.

As far as leaving... Yes I have seriously considered it. It's an option. Probably the only option. So I am working to put things in motion. I haven't worked in 15 yrs. I am going to start subbing in the school system. It will provide me with my own spending money and let him I am taking steps towards independence. My biggest fear with divorce... Joint custody. I don't want him having control without my presence. So for now I will do my best to make this work.

I'm so sorry you're
going through this.


HE IS THE PROBLEM.
NOT YOU.

In regards to working,
you wrote:

It will provide me with my own spending money and let him I am taking steps towards independence.

If meant to say,
"let him know,"

Here's something ver
important. . . . . .

It's not to your benefit
to let him know ANYTHING.

The less he knows about
your inner life and thoughts,
the BETTER.

The less change in the
status quo he perceives,
the BETTER.

He will not be changing
for the better, if he gets
a sense that the balance
of power (in regards to
your becoming more
independent), is changing.

Let me repeat that:

It will NOT help.

It will ultimately mean
that he will simply
change what
abusive strategies
he employs.

You will not be barred
from heaven if the shape
of your hamburger patties
are irregular. He is trying
to control you with
horrible, ugly LIES.

He is an abuser
through and through.

Yes. Get some work.
Get a little money.

But please also consider
getting connected with
your local women's center.

They'll have resources there
that may provide you
valuable support.
And if you do this. . . .

DON'T TELL HIM!

Don't tell him ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please make sure
you take good care
of yourself.

Sending you hugs
and wishes for
better things
in the coming
year.

The thing about being more strict with the kids, let me interject a different perspective into this. Why does it make you a better parent to be more strict? Are your kids lacking in their character or behavior in some way that being more strict will somehow solve? How will more chores and less privileges benefit them? Or is this desire to be more strict actually tied into some vague ideal of motherhood your husband has imposed on you? Is it that you on some level feel like you'll endure less abuse from your husband if you measure up to his standards of parenting? Because, as hard as it can be to wrap your head around this, it won't.

This was really, really hard for me to grasp-I spent YEARS trying to find the magic that would please my husband so I could stop the criticism, the control, the disapproval, the rages, the sly and insidious and constant attack on the core of who I was-NOTHING EVERY WORKED TO STOP HIM. Because he LIKED doing those things to me. He got something out of it.

Also, what can happen psychologically when we feel like life circumstances are not within our control (like when we are being abused) we often will try to impose control in other areas of our lives that we CAN control, like having perfect homes and perfect children. But these modes of control are superficial, they are outward projections of control, when what we really need are internal modes of control. Being able to express ourselves, make decisions, find out who we really are by challenging ourselves-things our abusers don't let us do. Things are abusers are extremely threatened by.

I know I'm being blunt with you, and I know I'm making some assumptions here that I could be wrong about-it's because I see myself in your situation. I know what that level of control from an abuser does to someone. And I know I couldn't see it. I was totally shut off from my emotions, totally desensitized by what was happening to even begin to see what I was enduring clearly. I sense that same disconnect with you. It's what abuse does. I wish someone had called me out about the situation I was in years ago, but no one ever did. I might have saved myself, and my daughter a lot of pain if someone had.

I would also respectfully suggest counseling with a therapist trained in abuse and trauma. NOT because you are crazy, but because you are being traumatized every day by living with this man, and trauma has some predictable, harmful effects that don't differ much from victim to victim. You can't always see them while you're "in it" but it doesn't mean it's not happening.

Like Ilene said, please consider calling a DV group and find out what you're options are, and DON'T let your husband have any clue what what you are doing. You will put yourself at greater risk by doing so, since ANY attempt to break an abusers control can be met with an escalation of abuse, as I'm sure you've seen to a lessor degree any time you've tried to disagree with him. The more they sense you are taking back your control over yourself-the worse it gets.

After I posted this morning, it kept coming back to me from your post "He's told me God would bless us more if I did a better job cleaning house." OMGosh!!! it kept ringing in my ears and bugged me so much that he's putting all of that on you!!! Even now, it's getting me started again, that you're having to hear that sort of thing.
My ex would try to quote the bible or bring God into it, I actually bought into it at the time, not sure how I believed so much of his garbage.

I understand your concerns on joint custody. It's a valid concern in abusive situations. I know you mentioned a 16 year old, which is close to the age that it may be less of a concern. A lawyer explained to me that once kids are driving, the courts know there's less ability to make sure the kids go to the other parents. If they say they don't want to, I guess it will depend on the state laws too.

Cant brings up some good points in the last post. I didn't realize at the time, I was parenting more in his manner to be compliant and keep the peace, or rather to try to keep the peace, not necessarily my ideal parenting. Now that some time has passed, more things are coming to light for me and I really conformed my parenting to him, his ideals and his rules more than I desired or realized then. There was never discussions, it wasn't allowed, he had no patience for it or he would pretend to appease me and then do what he wanted, more lies and no respect. I would be the one enforcing his rules more in order to minimize his interaction with the kids. Not sure that was really the best way for me and the kids at the time but we make the best choices we can at any given time given our circumstances.

As far as not telling him things you're planning, I understand it may feel weird and be hard, I know for me it felt very weird and almost a betrayal but it seems it is the best thing for those of us going through these situations. It's realizing that only you can take care of you. Keeping you in my prayers.

I don't really share anything with him. I've been fairly closed off to him for a few yrs now. I've learned. We've been thru marriage counseling a few times. I'm guessing most of you know how that turns out. What they tell me is good advice however what they tell him is BS. He's the head of this family, and he doesn't have to listen to anyone else.

He's never actually been physically abusive w me. More emotional and spiritual. I do find myself just doing things to keep the peace. But I am independent. I am pretty aware of divorce laws in my state. We are a no fault 50/50 alimony state. I think as far as custody they children have a say after 12 yrs old. My daughter is 7. I live in a very small town so no real women's shelter. I wouldn't need it tho. I wouldn't leave my house. No real counseling options either. Small town. We are well known.

My children are healthy well mannered children. They like to pick on each other....a lot! But they get along well w adults and other children. They are smart and well rounded. My oldest is very strong willed and questions every thing... Which is where most of the trouble starts. But it's how I raised him. To be a free thinker use his head and common sense. He really pushes his dad's buttons calling him out on his control issues.

The kids probably could stand to help around the house more but they aren't ungrateful spoiled brats. Just probably a good idea so once they move out, they have some idea of what they're doing.

Anyways I don't know if I've made much sense.

I'm going to put the focus on what is happening to your children.

Your children may seem healthy, but they are NOT emotionally healthy. They have learned from the day they were conceived right up until the last day you spend with your husband that it's ok to abuse and it's ok to be abused. They are learning how to abuse and how to be abused. They think this is normal!

There have been many legitimate studies done over the years that prove that just witnessing abuse causes major trauma, ptsd AND brain damage! These studies started with children who lived in homes where one spouse abused the other. They found that the hippocampus part of the child's brain shrank as much as 20%!!!

Children learn what they live and live what they learn. Chances are extremely high that they WILL end up either being an abuser or being abused because that is all they know.....

It doesn't really matter than he hasn't been physical with you. He IS abusive. But, he IS physically abusing your children by forceably scraping their teeth. He is financially abusing you and your children. And, I'm betting that he probably throws, hits or punches things, and/or threatens in some way to physically harm you or the kids or your pets. BTW, if your allowance include money for food, then threatening to cut your allowance is threatening physical violence by threatening to withhold what is needed for the family's daily sustenance.

Please contact the nearest women's shelter. It doesn't have to be in your specific town. You do need it. Most shelters offer free group sessions & other services. Please let them help you create a SAFE plan to leave.

And whatever you do, do NOT TELL HIM ANYTHING! Stash as much money as you can someplace outside the home where he will never find it. Start documenting everything he does that is abusive. It doesn't matter if its physical or not. You will need to contact therapists outside of your small town if you feel you won't get a fair shake w/the locals.

The longer you stay, the more damage is being done to you and your children.

Sending lots of healing hugs your way...

He said God would BLESS your family more if you CLEANED the house better? Gosh, I thought I'd heard it all, but that takes the cake! I didn't know God was in the business of rewarding us for being domestic drones. I feel for you. And I'm SO glad I'm single! (Went through two awful --and mercifully brief-- marriages.)

May 2015 bring some stability and happiness to your life. And may God REALLY bless you.

You are clearly an intelligent, articulate woman, so I'm going to throw some things out here for you to consider.

You are minimizing the impact of his abuse by drawing lines in the sand about how he is not physical with you. Emotional and spiritual abuse are every bit as horrendous and damaging as physical abuse.

Myself, for years I told myself that it wasn't so bad because my abuser wasn't laying a hand on me. You are experiencing emotional, spiritual, financial and sexual abuse. The thing about the porn, that is sexual abuse. It is used as coercion to try and guilt you (emotional blackmail) into more sex with him, and as punishment (because he knows perfectly well how it makes you feel) that you don't have sex with him when he wants the way he wants. Coercion, by definition, takes away someone's autonomy by using threats, intimidation, and psychological domination by exploiting fears, anxieties exct. to try and force compliance to a dictate. Sexual coercion is a form of sexual abuse because it intend to take away your right to choose-not that much different than RAPE. It is a violation. And since sex has so many psychological strings attached (self esteem, personal values, physical boundaries issues, and so on) a particularly useful and insidious from of abuse. Financial abuse is going on here too, please realize. You may have a lot of beautiful things and be pillars in your community, but it does not change the fact he is financially abusing you. Your allowance was docked as a punishment because you hadn't checked your son's teeth like he wants you to. He is using money to control you-that is financial abuse.

You feel crazy, you never feel good enough, you question your own mind and your perceptions of your reality (am I a good mother-am I lazy-ect., when you KNOW you're are a good mother and hardworking.) I bet you don't share your feelings or thoughts with very many people, because people wouldn't understand how you could be unhappy with such an amazing provider, who most people are so impressed with so you are emotionally and socially isolated even though you are around people. This is just the tip of the iceberg of the damage and hurt that abuse does that I can specifically point to based on what little you've posted here, and I'm sure there's more-because I lived through it and I know.

His emotional abuse, without needing to beat you, results on an assault on your sense of capability and worthiness, the very integrity of "self", your loss of autonomy, you are being restricted, enveloped, overwhelmed, controlled-it's akin to emotional suffocation. And through all of this unspeakable, disgusting abuse YOU don't place responsibility on your H for doing things that are completely unacceptable, you think you just need to do better, that it is your fault because you try but aren't good enough. This is extremely backwards, and demonstrates the degree to which you are being oppressed. Please don't minimize all of that anymore.

How much independence do you really have when you stop and examine it? Just in the one example you relayed in your first post, which I'm sure is just a microcosm of your life, you don't agree with checking your kid's teeth like your husband wants you to do, but doesn't it happen anyway? And what happens when you don't do it? Your allowance gets docked. And what happens when you dare to speak up about any of it? The whole family faces the consequences of going immediately to be bed and getting up early to do chores. You are not allowed to chose how to raise those kids, you are not allowed to disagree with him, or punishment follows. So you bend your will to his, and tell yourself you agree with him so you feel like you have the illusion of independence. I don't doubt for one second you are highly intelligent, capable, independent minded as in the ability to form your own opinions and conclusions, but it all better be in your own head and never acted upon, because if it disagrees with what your husband wants you'll lose.

Your poor son, who likes to question, you encourage him to question, which is awesome.....but what you demonstrate every day in deference to your husband is compliance. That questioning is useless, and devalued. That free thinking is met with a lack of freedom. How confusing that must be. No one likes their parenting questioned, but I think you already know the situation is harmful to your kids or you wouldn't be considering divorce and be concerned about joint custody.

Regarding the joint custody-which is a valid concern-please ask yourself how much you are REALLY able to mitigate the damage your husband is doing while you are all living with him? If you can't control the situation now, what are you really losing in a joint custody arrangement? And what you would gain? You'd gain at least one environment where your kids are not having abuse modeled for them.

If you try and get a divorce I think you are going to be shocked at how nasty your husband will become. With the level of control he's been able to force on you all these years, you think he's just going to be reasonable about giving it up? Oh, no. He won't. He is highly unlikely to leave the house willingly, and you will be put in the dangerous and miserable situation of living with an abuser you are in the process of leaving. This is why it's helpful to get in touch with a DV shelter, you need a realistic sense of what you are dealing with, and what you can do about it and they can help you.

And regarding therapy-I've lived in small towns, there's always therapy available somewhere AND confidentiality between a therapist and client. Nothing you talk about could go farther than the office, and if someone other than the therapist like a client in the waiting room told people you were there, why would you really care about that? This is YOUR life, no one gets to live it for you, do you really want an echo of expected judgments to keep you from doing things that make your life better?

I know I wrote a book here, and I'm again being really blunt, but I suspect you've already considered all this already, but are really good at talking yourself out of these considerations. Don't. They are the considerations of self preservation. You don't deserve to live this way and you don't have to.

I feel your pain. Making the decision to leave is so hard, but you are getting totally valid, right-on advice here. He is the problem, not you!