Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I am 25 years old, and have gone through a number of things both recently and in the past that are really leading me to want some more separation from my family. My family is superficially close, and my mother wants to hear from me in some way every day, and we see each other once per week. This seems like a lot, but this is actually less than other parts of my family, who have daily phone conversations and see each other several times a week.
My mother is a narcissist, and my father enables her. My mother does not usually go out of her way to be hurtful, but will not go out of her way to support me either. Everything is about her. If it will not benefit her, she will not do it. This has led to a lot of negative experiences growing up.
Perhaps the worst experience (or maybe just the last straw) happened about a month ago. I believe I was sexually abused by her brother when I was very little. I told my aunt (his wife). My parents don't believe me, or support me in this. My aunt has cut off contact, and my uncle is threatening to tell the whole family what I said "to clear his name" even though I had no plans to tell any of these people. My mother has asked me to find some way to make it up to him, as she is concerned that her relationship with my aunt and uncle cannot be repaired. My father has not asked these things of me, but I am disappointed by some of his lack of reaction.
Since that time (the day after I told my aunt), they have not talked about it with me. They've essentially pushed it under the rug. They want to spend time with me as usual, and talk about our usual topics, and I've been going along with this, but I feel really uncomfortable. I feel horribly betrayed by both of them, especially my mother, and I don't like pretending that things are okay when they are not.
I need some space from my parents right now, both because I want some time to figure out what to do with my relationship with them, and because it simply hurts to be around them. But they don't understand why what they did is hurtful -- they think I'm having false memories, so what's wrong with saying they don't believe me?
I just don't know how to approach this. Up to this point, I've been going along with what they want, but I do not want to do this forever.
My mother is a narcissist, and my father enables her. My mother does not usually go out of her way to be hurtful, but will not go out of her way to support me either. Everything is about her. If it will not benefit her, she will not do it. This has led to a lot of negative experiences growing up.
Perhaps the worst experience (or maybe just the last straw) happened about a month ago. I believe I was sexually abused by her brother when I was very little. I told my aunt (his wife). My parents don't believe me, or support me in this. My aunt has cut off contact, and my uncle is threatening to tell the whole family what I said "to clear his name" even though I had no plans to tell any of these people. My mother has asked me to find some way to make it up to him, as she is concerned that her relationship with my aunt and uncle cannot be repaired. My father has not asked these things of me, but I am disappointed by some of his lack of reaction.
Since that time (the day after I told my aunt), they have not talked about it with me. They've essentially pushed it under the rug. They want to spend time with me as usual, and talk about our usual topics, and I've been going along with this, but I feel really uncomfortable. I feel horribly betrayed by both of them, especially my mother, and I don't like pretending that things are okay when they are not.
I need some space from my parents right now, both because I want some time to figure out what to do with my relationship with them, and because it simply hurts to be around them. But they don't understand why what they did is hurtful -- they think I'm having false memories, so what's wrong with saying they don't believe me?
I just don't know how to approach this. Up to this point, I've been going along with what they want, but I do not want to do this forever.
A healthy family would get whatever help you and they need to move through this in a loving healthy way.
As for your uncle, if he were innocent, I doubt he would be threatening you. It sounds like a typical abuser turn-the-tables-tactic. Of course, that's JMHO and it may not be so.
We are only as sick as the secrets we keep. And it sounds like they want this to be kept a secret.
Instead of listening to them...
Trust your inner knowing.
If you haven't already, please contact a qualified abuse recovery therapist to help you in your healing process. A good therapist can help you rebuild your self esteem; teach you coping skills when dealing with a narc and learn to set and keep healthy boundaries with your family.
Until you feel like you're on firmer ground, you may want to stop contact with all of them. It's hard to make healthy decisions when surrounded by toxic dysfunction.
Take very good care of yourself!
~healing hugs~
TBH, I am not completely certain that it was my uncle, but I made this known several times when I told my aunt and when I talk to my parents about it. But I have enough reason to believe it was him that I wanted to bring it up to protect his kids. The last thing I want to do is accuse someone who is innocent, so I made sure people knew I wasn't 100% sure, but to watch him, and that this is what I think.
People who I consider supportive don't necessarily believe that it was my uncle, but they do care about how I feel and support me in exploring this issue and in making my decision to tell my aunt, which I believe was the best thing I could have done. That's what I wanted from my parents. My therapist and a close friend understand that I am not 100% sure it is my uncle, but they know I have reason to believe it is and support me in what I am doing regardless. I think this is how I would want to explain it to my parents. They just don't have a lot of insight and it's painful for me to keep explaining things. They invited me to go on a trip with them, and they cannot understand why I didn't want to go. To me, that makes no sense as it should be obvious.
I am seeing a therapist, and this is helpful, and I hope to be working with her n setting some more boundaries, but also wanted to get the opinion of some of you here. :)
My sister has a memory of my uncle
Molesting her. I dont know if she ever
Went anywhere with it. She told me
Long after we were adults.
I seriously doubt The memory myself. She
was not the likable Cuddly type more like
kick your shins type. I think i would have
sensed something, he was my godfather
so i had more contact. He is my fathers
Youngest brother.
Kids usually have good radars for weirdos.
I dont know where her memory came from
Or how. I should question her again. This guy
Is a long time school teacher now retired. No
Trouble that i know of and i think she claims he
Is gay too.
It is so strange in these kind of families the different
Memories,feelings and emotions we have. My father
Just died so we had have talked recently. A lot of her
Recall is so different than mine. She is only two years
Older.
Hugs not saying i am doubting you i understand your
pain and confusion well. My mother is narcisstic and
Is still going strong at 83.
Glad you are in therapy it helps with family issues
And i go to a 12 step program to help heal from the
Inside out.
((((( catlover))))
Two points I want to make regarding your situation...
1. It stood out to me that your uncle was a school teacher. Pedophiles sometimes seek out professions where they have access to children.
2. That you mentioned that he is likely gay. The interesting thing is, there seems to be no/little correlation between someone's sexual orientation and the gender of children they molest. Many straight male molesters abuse boys, so I would imagine that gay men would abuse girls too. It's often more about power than sex.
I'm glad that you and your sister are able to talk to and support each other despite your differing memories. In my family, it has led to a lot of contention, though not necessarily between myself and my sister.
She hides herself. I am more upfront and
Open. Its not an easy relationship, you never
Know what she is up to. We do not talk often.
My family is so fractured mostly from my
Mother. My father was an alcoholic that
Got sober and remarried and really checked
Out from us. My sister went to live with him
For two years then took off the day she
Was legal. I had to go find her later on.
Keep taking care of you, you are young yet
You sound strong. Keep the focus on you and
Getting better and stick with it. It is a long hard
Journey to emotional wellness after living like
That. I am almost 60 wish i did not marry so soon
After beginning my journey. I was no where near
Ready to make healthy or smart choices for myself.
Hugs
((((( catlover))))
My strategy was simple. I simply walked out. I literally stopped cooking in their kitchen and told my husband 'we're leaving.' I never called, never answered or responded to their messages. I played with the idea of cutting them off before, but didn't go through with it. But it got to a point where I was so tired of being pushed around, doubted, and bullied. It just boiled to a point to where it was easy to walk away and start healing.
I feel stronger away from my family, things are clearer. I wish I did it sooner.
No matter what you choose or how you do it, stay strong and protect your space. Good luck!
I hope that helps. I hope I am addressing the right issues.
((Many hugs.))
I'm so sorry to hear about what happened -- how retraumatizing and revictimizing. Regardless of the consequences, I hope you can recognize your bravery in speaking out. My situation seems similar to yours, except for the part about kids because I don't have them. I'm hoping that even though people are fairly outspoken about not believing me, some people that I'm not thinking of (or have not even been born yet) may hear about it and believe me. A distant cousin of mine went through a similar situation a few years before I was born. Thirty years later, I talked to her about it. I was the first person to respond positively and to thank her for what she did. It's never too late. There's always a chance for something positive to come from it.
you're going through.
I'm much older than
you are (though I'm
a cat lover, too).
Twenty years ago, my
only sibling abused
me ---- not sexually -----
but emotionally and
financially, for many years.
After a very deep depression
and too much water under
the bridge, I went totally
NO CONTACT with that
sibling. (It's in the probate
court records that if that
person or anyone connected
with that person should
ever attempt to reach me
I'll consider it harrassment
and take legal action.)
Though having to take that
awful step caused me great
sadness, it was among the
first steps on my path to healing
and as such, was a turning
point in the quality of my life.
Whatever you decide to do,
take good care of yourself.
Sending you hugs and
wishes for healing and
better days ahead.
My parents were both deceased
at that point and I was in an
unidentified emotionally abusive
marriage. It was an extreme
low point in my life.
Simultaneously, there was
something on a mammagram.
I was pretty sure it was malignant
and was actually hoping that it
would be.
The night before the biopsy
I finally had a flood of
LIFE FORCE
run through me.
I decided that if it turned
out to be malignant, I'd
fight to live. . . . and if it
was benign then I would
end the killing marriage
I'd committed to
remaining in.
The next day I learned the
shadow on the x-ray was
a "calcification." In essence,
I was turning to stone.
The surgeon removed the
calcification, I went
NO CONTACT with
my abusive sibling
and ultimately
ended the marriage.
That was over twenty
years ago. It's been
a great twenty years.
I agree with the just leave and don't look back advice. Why stay around toxic people anymore? you need to heal and be away from all that. If you are living with your parents then I would suggest looking for an apartment for yourself. They aren't doing you any good treating you like that . My step dad made me go over and apoloogize to the pervert next door who wanted to watch a porno with me. He didn't believe me and I spent the rest of my life hating him an ignoring him as much as possible. take my advice-Don't let these people have rent in your head. They obviously aren't worth it.