Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I read his personal blog.I know that I shouldn\\\'t had.He has blamed me for everything.He has written that I am an ungrateful person.He says that after making him believe in love which he didn\\\'t when I met him,I left him to suffer.That how dare I shouted at him when I decided to leave(I shouted after 6 yrs of abuse that too cause I wanted him to stop calling me and my family).That I have now lost him forever.He will never try to get back with me.He said that God will make me realize my mistake.That he doesn\\\'t miss me and he is happy that I am gone forever.That I was the one who failed him amd our relation.
Just keep holding on - you are worth so much more than he deserves :o)
It seems like he is one who could be a problem with continuing to not let go w/ maintaining contact.
My ex bf who I finally got away from last year, after a year of back and forth, still contacts me - though not nearly as frequently- though nearly a year ago I removed text msg feature to reduce that.
The less you respond eventually the more he may give up, which will allow you to heal from the abuse - I don't think we can do this fully while maintaining contact.
Blame is part of the cycle of abuse - check out "The verbally abusive relat - how to recognize it and how to respond" by Patricia Evans. Excellent!
He didn't abuse you..because of anything you ever did..No-one can 'make' anyone abuse..They abuse, because they are abusive...Its not at all any of your fault..
Extracts from 'emotional abusers'..By Natalie P..
Emotional abusers are very insidious - some of them are much harder to spot than others, because they mingle their abuse in between acts of generosity, and often employ emotionally manipulative tactics, and passive-aggressive behavior.
Not all emotional abusers overtly belittle and verbally harangue their partners - some are much more perfidious and as such, their partners may not realize that the source of their distress and an unease over the relationship has been coming from abuse for quite some time.
The longer a woman remains under the grip of an emotional abuser, the more she will start to question herself, her actions and her beliefs.
It is the abuser's goal to make her believe that she deserves his cruelty and that only through her actions can she make it stop.
It is his intent to get her to feel that she is the cause of any relationship problems, and that his (abusive) behavior is simply a response to her, and therefore acceptable.
It is true, that only through her actions can she make it stop - she must have the courage to leave the relationship and avoid further contact with the abuser.
Abusers, physical or emotional, are abusive because of their own self-hate and internal issues - not because of 'anything' their partner did. No amount of work or attempting to please will stop an abuser from abusing.
If confronted with the unreasonable nature of this behavior, the abuser will blame his partner for his lack of communication - It will always be 'her' fault that he couldn't tell her what he needed or wanted.
He will project HIS behavior on her, and insist that he couldn't talk to her about what was bothering him because she was too intense, or critical, or angry, or judgemental, or needy.
Don't buy it. Those are HIS issues. Not yours.
Emotional abusers expect more from their partners than they are willing to put into a relationship.
The problem is, no matter how much the partner gives, it will never be enough, and the abuser will expect more - because the relationship isn't about love for the abuser, it's about control.
Emotional abusers expect their partners to change for them. Unfortunately, the changes the partner makes will never be enough - the abuser will always want more.
The abuser says it's not completely his fault, or she pushes his buttons, or that something she did triggered him to do or say something hurtful or damaging to her.
Non-abusers who genuinely ACCIDENTALLY hurt a loved one's feelings, do not refuse to nurture those feelings - they help repair the emotional damage, and they don't repeatedly make the same "mistakes" over and over with their partners.
Abusers are self-righteous. They find ways to justify their behavior. As a result, he always focuses on her problems, and insists that she change to make the relationship better.
Emotional abusers often flip between being a martyr and a self-absorbed asshole - there is no middle ground, and they use the martyrdom as an excuse for their behavior when they are in self-absorbed asshole mode ("I was just doing something for *me*. I'm tired of you making me feel bad about myself.").
However, that "something" often winds up breaking a relationship agreement, a promise, or involves him being angry condescending, ignoring, or rude.
Abusers will blame their partner for "allowing" or encouraging them to be abusive. In as much as a refusal to capitulate can trigger an abusive attack, any sign of "guilty" feelings or weakness in a partner is like blood in the water for sharks, when it comes to abusers.
Of course, according to the abuser, it is up to the woman not to provide him with the temptation to abuse, by changing HER behavior.
When his partner stands up for herself, you may hear him using phrases like, "everything I did, I did for her", and "after all I did for her, THIS is how she treats me!".
Abusers will often complain (especially to others outside the relationship) about how unappreciated they are/were, and how they gave and gave and gave, and got so little in return...
When you open your heart to someone, you are granting them your trust as well as your love. You are trusting them to respect and honor your love.
All abuse is about power and control. If someone abuses you by violating your trust, you are not wrong for trusting - THEY are wrong for breaking that trust and using it to hurt you.
Just because he admits his behavior (and WATCH - some abusers are VERY good at acknowledging they did something without apologizing, or admitting there was anything WRONG with the behavior.), does NOT mean he is willing to change it, that he will not repeat the behavior, nor that he even believes he did anything unacceptable, hurtful or wrong.
DO NOT take admission of an act as a sign of integrity, acceptanceof responsibility, a show of remorse, or an indication of genuine caring, unless you see EXPLICIT behavior that demonstrates it.
If you find that you are having to explain the basics of respect and courtesy to a partner - if you are finding that he just DOESN'T SEEM TO GET IT, when you try to explain why his behavior or actions were disrespectful - run far and run fast.
People who are capable of maintaining and contributing to a loving, supportive, healthy relationship, DON'T need to constantly have the concepts of respect, compassion, and consideration explained to them.
It is NOT wrong, or unhealthy to want someone to love and care about you and care for you, and to want to reciprocate.
It is only through this kind of openness that we can acheive true intimacy with another individual.
And two emotionally healthy people, CAN do this without becoming co-dependent.
Unfortunately, abusers violate the trust that this kind of relationship requires, and are incapable of true intimacy.
They want you to be dependent. People who ARE capable of genuinely loving you in a healthy and safe way, DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU, and do not DELIBERATELY DO THINGS TO HURT YOU.
They don't play on your insecurities and they don't wage psychological warfare on you.
They don't blame YOU for all the relationship problems, and they don't fabricate problems just so you can be the scapegoat.
People who love you will treat you with respect, consideration, courtesty, honesty and compassion.
If you are with someone who matches the abusive behavior in this article, get help. The sooner you wake up to the fact that the relationship is unhealthy, and move on, the sooner your life will improve.
Remember: Safe People are people who draw you closer to who you were meant to be spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically.
They encourage you to be your most loving, growing self.
Please don't let him make you feel bad now..Hes the one who should be blaming himself..But its well known..abusers never do..and never will..Hugs!
I believe most abusers, if not all, are narcicists or have psychopathic tendencies, social problems. And all of those disorders, only think of themselves, how things affect them and like I said, they are the true victims. They will keep luring you in, just so they can victimize you. It is fun for them, I really think it is.
Sorry, you are feeling so bad. You can have peace and will get over this, just don't go back.
When you said "When his partner stands up for herself, you may hear him using phrases like, everything I did, I did for her, and after all I did for her, THIS is how she treats me!" you are describing exactly what he is telling EVERY SECOND PERSON..People who don't know me were earlier calling me(now I ain't picking their calls also) and saying things like how could I be so cruel to somebody who is so madly in love with me..It's like they are just talking about a romantic guy who he never was..
I will never go back...and I don't even feel like going..What he did to me..How he made me feel each day of 6.5 years was so terrible..I used to hate myself for being ME..
I would have committed suicide if I would have stayed any longer with him..Thank God now I am out and among family and friends who love me and support me..This is helping me to rebuild my self respect and self confidence...Thanks to all the support I have got here...When I read all the posts here then only I was able to realize and accept that I was abused..Otherwise I always thought there is something wrong with me that's why I can't keep him happy and non abusive..Thanks everyone!!!