Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Went to my therapist appmt today and it was going ok, she was pleased that I am doing the work on myself and had written a positive poem. Then she brought up the topic of why is it that I have such trust issues? Also why do I have such a low opinion of myself. She hedged around how sometimes women who have been victims of rape or sexual abuse can have trust issues, esteem issues, etc. She had even moved in closer to talk to me and I kind of balled up on myself and started having mild anxiety. I felt trapped. She noticed and asked if she was making me nervous? She was trying to find out who my childhood abuser was but yet not throw me into a panic. I feel she may have gotten it out of me the best I can do without giving names but hinting at it roundabout. God, I hate small towns. She promises any information will be confidential and yet I feel as scared and threatened as I did when I was that little girl. I must of shown my fear and nausea as she muttered she would like to say some things to my abuser. I am suppossed to go back but right now I am in bed feeling so drained, so ashamed, and wondering how it honestly can ever get better anyway? I can't make those years go away and neither can she :( Maybe therapy is not for everyone and some ugly things should stay buried. I am sorry...just feeling really down.
I would say that it's perfectly ok to tell your therapist that you are not yet ready to deal with that stuff and that you would rather it stayed buried until you have dealt with some other stuff and gained in confidence (and perhaps trust) a bit.
Nobody can make the years go away. Nobody can make what happened "unhappen". But maybe, by going through the horror of bringing this thing out into the open (and I don't mean you have to be public about it, I just mean facing it yourself, with your therapist to help you), maybe it will lose a little of its power over you. We fear most the things that hide in the dark.
I really hope you can stick with it. I believe wholeheartedly that it CAN get better. It won't be easy and it won't just "go away". But I believe it can get better, you can get to a place where it doesn't own so much of you any more, and where you can truly understand, internalise and believe that the shame is not yours to carry. In the meantime, continue to take good care of yourself, own your emotions - and if you are feeling drained, then honour that too (many of us have felt really drained, exhausted, after a major therapy session).
I have lots to think about before the next session and I am at least honoring that I am willing to think about going, not just cancelling all together. Thanks again for responding.
I really do agree with Livn and I do hope you will put at least some trust in the therapist and continue on.
I felt it would be good, but could not put in to words.
Livin can word things so much better than I.
I wish you all the luck in the world, Joanie.
((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))
Ugly things that stay buried
are like and untreated tumor
or a rampant infection.
They will eventually poison
the whole system and
kill the host organism.
A good therapist is like a
surgeon. Nobody wants
an operation, but there
are times that, unless
the surgeon goe in and
operates, the illness or
the injury will be the
end of the line.
Please continue on.
Emotional injury can
be healed and life
can get better.
Please continue with
therapy. The shame
you feel, is NOT YOURS.
The shame belongs to
those who abused you.
I also liked to read that she is acting as YOUR advocate on YOUR side, when she said something about "wanting to say some things" to the abuser.
I can see how you might think that she actually would ... and it was kind of an unfortunate phrase for her to use. She has reassured you about confidentiality, and I would try to hear her statements as strong, powerful comments that show she is on YOUR side.
She was respectful the last time you said you weren't ready to talk directly about the abuse you suffered as a child. If you aren't ready, or if you are only ready to talk about parts of it ..... I would sincerely hope she would continue to respect your boundaries.
I *love* what you said about staying open to the idea of going to therapy again and not just cancelling immediately upon feeling so down.
I have gone through periods like this in therapy -- when I have faced particularly painful memories, it was sometimes very energizing and powerful in her office but then exhausting afterwards.
It might be a helpful topic to talk about with your therapist. She might have some suggestions for things you can do between sessions.
((((hugs)))))