Being nearly 60 I have lots of hindsight. It has been my experience with my own abusive cheater exes, and observing other abusive cheaters, I have NEVER seen any of them change their behavior without therapy and hard work.
He will be nice for a while to the new g. f. but the only that has really changed is another innocent life is involved. I hope the two of them get some therapy because that baby's mental health will depend on it.
It is irresponsible to bring a child into a relationship that is not stable. (Has he never heard of a condom?)(Don't let him blame on you not being there, that is just crap.) He is a big boy and will have to get through the consequences of his own actions and take responsibility for them - lest he be doomed to repeat them over and over.
Never fear, without therapy, she will face the same crappy guy you had after the newness of the situation wears off.
Part of why we feel this way is that we still love them, which does not mean we like them or want to be around them. And part of the loss is beyond the current reality, it is the loss of hopes, dreams and the ideals of what we thought could have been.
It takes time to grieve the loss of a marriage even if it was a BAD marriage. You can expect to have some denial and some anger before you get to acceptance. ((((Hugs)))) hang in there.

She claimed to be on birth control so no condoms. I actually think she lied about it bc she wanted to get pregnant to trap him. He wont get therapy bc he blames me for the way he treated me. he says I brought out the worst in him, which made our relationship toxic.

Hon -----

All your feelings are normal
and it's also common to
imagine that somehow
the new victim is going
to come out with a
magically improved version
of the old abuser.

What the unfortunate
new victim will get is
a more PRACTICED
version of the old abuser.

Add to that, the having
had the experience of
losing another victim,
the old abuser will be
feeling ANGRIER than
ever before, so she and
the poor innocent baby
delivered unknowingly
into this vortex of
dysfunction, will both
experience an older,
more frustrated,
increasingly bitter
version of the a__-___e
who abused you.

An abuser does not
magically transform
into a wonderful,
loving "family man"
with the delivery of
a baby. Generally
just the opposite
will typically happen.
A habitual abuser
will escalate his
(or her) abuse with
the arrival of a dependent
who now requires ALL
the attention and energy
of both parents.

Please focus your energy
on your recovery.

In a few months, you
will likely get word
that the little "family"
is in a bad way,
heading with increasing
speed, towards a
chaotic disaster.

Are you working together
with any kind of counselor
or therapist? If not, I strongly
encourage you to find a
therapist with a specialty
in recovery from abuse,
and work together with
her or him.

Also, practice
meticulous
SELF-CARE!!!!!

Sending you hugs
and wishes for
comfort and
healing.

I just feel like I am the only woman who has been abused by him, which makes me feel like its me and not him. He had one other serious relationship with a woman that last four years and ended five years before we got together. His friends told me that he treated her badly but he is still friends with her. I would actually catch them messaging and texting each other when we were together, and would get upset bc it was all done behind my back. The texts were never sexual, but he would tell her she looks great.

I agree. They very rarely change. The ones who do are very dedicated to self improvement. They go to therapy, support groups, they take responsibility for their behavior, they apologize when they screw up, they don't deny or project, etc. I've seen both. I've seen guys, in my support groups, who admit to their past abuse and are now very open and honest and great at communication and take responsibility for themselves. And I've seen guys who have never dealt with their issues (the vast majority) and project and blame and deny everything all the time. The most recent guy I dated had a history of DV from his past. He claimed to have changed (although he hid his past from me until I confronted him on what I'd found through my own research) but in reality, all he learned to do was suppress his anger. It came out through passive aggression, the silent treatment, emotional abuse, and sometimes (although not with me), verbal abuse. All of his relationships ended because of his abuse, even though he long ago stopped being physical. He refused to deal w/ his issues, claiming he didn't need therapy. He wouldn't even read a book. Yet he had claimed to me from the beginning that he was dedicated to self improvement. He had been court mandated to take DV classes in the past. This gave him all the lingo to use to sound like a healthy person in recovery. Court mandated classes actually make them worse. It teaches them how to be more efficient at abuse and harder to detect. They have to want to change, for themselves. Anything forced upon them is just another tool to make them more efficient.

So I will guarantee you he hasn't and won't change. And this woman is in a world of hurt, now that she is going to have a kid with him. She is bound to him forever, even if she leaves him.

He lasted two or three weeks in a batterer intervention program. He mocked the program and said he knew what he needed to do to improve as a person. He claims to be calmer now, yet right after New Years he drove to my house and punched the front door after we argued via email about his mortgage payment for the house. He also thinks he is a good guy bc he sent me flowers when my father passed away a month ago, yet I think he only did that for appearances sake to show people he is such a "good guy" for sending his ex-wife flowers despite all the horrible things she did. He has been trying to hide this pregnancy from me and I found out by accident from a friend of his last week. I told a friend of his gf's about the abuse and apparently the gf doesn't think it will happen to her bc he blames me for it. He even told me that I tricked him into believing he was abusive, when he truly believes he wasn't despite admitting it within the past year.

She is a victim, just like you. There is nothing you can do about it. All you can do is save yourself from it. All the evidence points to the fact he is still, at this very moment, an unrepentant abuser-he will abuse you or her, or anyone who he has access to abuse-the poor child too. You know what you experienced-that is what matters. Having your ex come over, uninvited, after an argument and punch a hole in your front door is a very real, very terrifying experience. You should have called the cops on him, as I'm sure you've considered already. I don't think he will EVER, EVER change.

Sure, he'll change.

Put money on that
he will get WORSE
and WORSE
and WORSE.

cant74deal - I did call the cops right away. The officer said there was not enough damage to be a crime and it wasnt harassment because he did not threaten me. All they did was fill out a domestic incident report. I have said it before and Ill say it again, the cops will not do anything until he actually puts his hands on me or threatens me in writing. he is too smart to do that now.

Jeeze! I don't even want to get started going there-I'll just get so mad!

Just-good for you, good for you!

And be careful, be very, very careful. He freaks me out, you too I'm sure.

I was so mad too. I even had a guest over at the time who saw it happen but it wasnt enough bc he only dented the door. if he had smashed a window it would have been a crime because there was obvious damage. Two weeks later he made threats to damage my property and when I called the police they called him and of course he denied it. Because I had no proof the police did not do anything. I have called the police at least 5 or 6 times over the past year and he has not been arrested once.

I know how hard it is, but you have all the proof you need that she is not getting the dream guy, but rather is getting more of the same.

First, he was attempting to cheat on her with you (probably still would, if he thought he had a shot). He told you the only reason he had her around was because you weren't there. Classic abuser, needs a victim. You weren't being his victim any more so he grabbed another. Think about how you would feel if you were her and knew all this stuff he was saying about you to his ex? He's been abusive to her from the start.

Second, you worry (as we all have) that you were the only one he was abusive to - despite his friends saying he "treated her badly". Treated her badly is friendspeak for "was abusive to her". More importantly, though, it simply doesn't matter. He was (and still is) abusive to you. That's what matters. You weren't the one being abusive so it's absolutely not your fault. In no way, shape or form. Let's say for the sake of argument that he's right (he's not) and that you just always brought out the worst in him. Well then if he couldn't control the "worst in him" and he hated what you "made" him do - why did he stick around and continue to do it, and why did he keep trying to get you back after you left? Makes no sense at all. Because it's not true. He chooses his behaviour, you don't. You didn't make him abusive, you didn't deserve it, you didn't cause it, it's not yours to own in any way at all. I'm quite sure you weren't perfect (nobody is) and I'm quite sure you could point to instances where it really was a case of if you did/didn't do x, he wouldn't have reacted the way he did. But that doesn't mean he's not responsible for his reaction. And it doesn't mean you caused it. And it especially doesn't mean he has no reason to apologise or to in any way own his behaviour.

Which brings me to my final point. He's not going to change and become a wonderful family man, because in his mind HE DID NOTHING WRONG. Why change what aint broke? The absolute first step to change is owning that your behaviour is wrong. There is zero chance of any significant change (other than, as Ilene says, getting worse) while ever he's willing to blame anyone or anything else for his actions. Zero.

So to sum up - he was abusive to his ex, he was abusive to you, he has been abusive to her, he is still abusive to you, he has in his mind no need to change his behaviour. And so he's going to continue to be abusive.

Livndadrem - thanks for your post. It was very helpful. It kills me when he tries to tell me how he is finally happy and how he wasted 6 years of his life arguing with me. He actually tried to convince me this was a planned pregnancy. Who plans to have a baby with someone they are not even in a relationship with and have only known a couple months? The whole thing just makes me sick.

Really nice explanation, Livn! Very logical.

Aral, I know it's hard to realize what this scumbag is. In time, it will become very obvious. He's done a number on your brain and it's gonna take awhile to unbrainwash all that.

I do believe that it will only be a matter of time before he resents her for getting pregnant. No matter what he tries to tell me, I know she got pregnant on the sly when he wouldnt commit to her, and I am sure he knows it too. He told me he resented me for making him feel trapped in a marriage... so I can only imagine how trapped he will feel once a baby is in his life.