That last paragraph is what you have to seize on as the starting point towards forgiving yourself - you had no clue. It's very easy to look back in hindsight and say, knowing what I know now, how on EARTH could I have allowed that to happen to me? But ... you DIDN'T allow it, knowing what you know now.

You thought you could spot an abuser a mile off. What I learned in my own life is that I could spot a particular type of abuser a mile off, but what I could NOT spot, what I had NO experience of, was a healthy partner/healthy relationship. I simply had no benchmark of that, so if it was different to what I knew as abuse, then it must be good, right? I learned otherwise.

We all, to one extent or another, just by not walking away at the first sign, "allowed" our abusers to abuse us. But that does NOT mean we deserved it, nor does it mean they are in ANY way absolved of the responsibility for what they did. It was HIS choice, his doing - not yours. To blame yourself in that way is a bit like saying it's your fault if someone deliberately runs you down as you cross the road, because after all, you DID put yourself in on the road.

He, and only he, was responsible for what he did to you. You are guilty only of having a huge heart, a great deal of compassion and a very forgiving soul. Use some of that on yourself.

As for there being nothing left of you - it's not true. I used to think of myself as like an overgrazed, drought-stricken paddock (pasture). It looks dry and dead, like there is nothing left. But take away the destructive influence, tend to it, water it, fertilise it, nourish it ... and down the track, you will once again have a beautiful green paddock. That's what you need to do now - tend to yourself, nourish yourself (physically and emotionally), give yourself a LOAD of TLC. And you will find that you come back and flourish again - perhaps greater than ever. Look for and seize on any support you can get in this. It's hard work, but SO worth doing.

I love your analogy, Livnd. Surely all the bullshit that he left behind has to, at least, be good for fertilizer :)

SMRK, I'm struggling with the same stuff. Feeling like I should have followed through sooner, regretting all the damage that's occured because I failed to act. Feeling lost without him here. Missing him more than I should.

So I have to forgive myself, too, for lost years and for having these feelings. Right or wrong, I feel, and what's done is done. Judging myself to the degree that I am immobilized will not serve me or my healing at all.

I do ask myself some times. Why do I miss this man so much. I know that a huge part of that. Is because no matter what he did or how much pain he caused. I loved him. With all my heart. And some how I didn't always see in him the things that were starring me right in the face. Maybe because I wanted so much for him to be the sweet and charming man he presented him self to be. And there are many moments when i sit here and tell him how happy i am that he is gone. And just as many i sit and remember all the fun and laughs we had a long the way. I am always questioning...did he ever mean any of the really nice and loving things he said. Or were the words that cut the real truth of the matter. He told me a million times how much he loved me and just as many times how much he hated me. And i think some times I could better cope if i thought under all the anger and all the hurtful words. He really did love me. Some one mentioned having no closure. I have none. I know he was mentelly not right. I am convinced he was a psycopath. But it would kill me to think that i went thru all of that and he didn't even really like me. I just kept thinking I could proveto him just how loyal and loving I could be no matter what. Just so he could have no doubt about whether or not he was loved. I wish I could take a really long and deep breathe and just be done with it all.

I recently had family over and my husband was bein particularly distant. He was aweful with his words, but when I told my grandpa all he said was don't make him mad. Be softer he said. everyone I could go to is going to say it was my doing or just leave. with no family that understands or in non abusive and no job it is easier said than done. I reached out to my mother in law. BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER!!!! She responded with he is young.... then all his family called on our anniversary to intentionally alienate me. Yay! they'll be here next month (middle finger straight up) My husband reminds me that it's his mother and she'll support him no matter what. He can lie, cheat, and she'll support that. Great. These people are assholes either on purpose or they've experienced abuse and by saying anything else to you they would have to think about themselves. You do what you need to do for you. Should you find out how to just let it go hit me up ASAP! :) hugs