Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
The state pressed charges against him and pick him up in two days. He knows I filed a report but not that charges are being pressed against him. What is the process like from here? I know it varies state by state, but I guess I just want to know what it might be like emotionally and physically from here. I caved and saw him two days ago and, after pulling his old nasty tricks, he began to seem genuinely sad and like he missed me. I know what the game is, but seeing him still made it so much harder!
Any advice would be much appreciated. They are putting 3 misdemeanor charges on him and there is a witness to one. I am afraid he or his family will go after me personally or try to bring me down with him even though I have done nothing illegal. I'm afraid of him going from missing me to hating me. I'm just scared.
Any advice would be much appreciated. They are putting 3 misdemeanor charges on him and there is a witness to one. I am afraid he or his family will go after me personally or try to bring me down with him even though I have done nothing illegal. I'm afraid of him going from missing me to hating me. I'm just scared.
with your nearest
women's center
ASAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They have all kinds
of resources there
for these situations.
Don't wait.
Do it NOW!!!!!!!
"I'm afraid of him going from missing me to hating me."
He will always miss you - as his supply, his punching bag (emotional and physical), his possession. He won't hate you, but nor did he ever love you. Someone who loves you wouldn't be capable of doing to you what he has done. You never were and never will be more than an object to him. Not because of who you are, but because of who he is. I know that's sad and difficult to accept, but it's true. He may change how he treats you, but not how he feels about you.
My best advice... .the same as the advice that I have been given. No contact. Stay away and don't communicate. And take very good care of yourself. This isn't going to be easy.
You want him to miss you because you want to matter. You want to have mattered. And you have been trained to put him at the centre of the universe. So to matter, you have to matter to him. But it's not true. He is abusive and violent - mattering to him doesn't matter at all. The person you most need to matter to is you. By filing the report and also by coming here for support, you are showing that you do matter to you and that's fantastic. But you need to stay out of his head. What he thinks or feels needs to slowly become completely immaterial to you. I say slowly, because it's not (unfortunately) a switch you can just turn off. You had (and by the sounds of it still have) strong feelings for him. He still matters to you. And that's fine, like I said, your emotions are neither right nor wrong, they just are. It's ok for you to still love him. It's important, however, for you to love yourself more. That's how you deal, over time, with the residual desire to matter to him. Because the more you work on loving yourself, the more you ensure you matter to you, the less you will care whether you matter to him.
To answer your question, yes his insecurities are part of the reason for his need to control. But they don't excuse it and you can't "fix" him by flattering him and telling him and showing him how worthy he is. Because he's not looking at you, he's looking only at himself. Only he can find his self-worth, you can't do that for him. And he's never going to find it while he projects his self-loathing outwards in the form of abuse and violence.
If it helps at all for your short term peace of mind, he will miss you. The worst thing you can ever do to an abuser is escape. So he will hurt. Not in the same way you will, not because he loves you and wishes you could both live happily ever after. But because you got away, you dared to leave him, you ruined his plans.
I have never been a "ME" person. I have a bit of a savior complex and this has been the perfect storm to suck me in to a situation I never imagined myself in. What you said about why I matter to him and making myself matter most really struck home. He has always mattered more to himself in the relationship: he doesn't apologize, he asks me to jump through hoops but won't make a single concession for me, and nothing is ever good enough for long. So if he is already taking care of himself without any regard to me, why shouldn't I do the same for myself? I want him to hurt, I want him to miss me, but at the end of the day it doesn't really matter because he shouldn't and can't be a part of my life any more.
So with that, I decided that I will sign some protective order, whether or not it includes work. The reason I held out was for his sake (I didn't want to risk him getting fired or my work getting involved), not for mine. I realize I need to FOR ME, not forgo it FOR HIM. It will be for safety, but it will also make NC easier with no risk of slipping up. No more manipulation!
I'm sorry he sucked you in again, but see this as a setback, not a failure. You are stronger and wiser now, you can learn from this. Learn what he did to suck you back in, and what it was within you that fell for it. So that next time, you won't find it so hard to resist.
Stick to the plan.
I suppose that some men do. For my daughter, she ran away and came home. We sent her to Texas for a couple of weeks to family just to have a break and hope that he wouldn't find her. Ironicallly, he was caught the day after she left.
He was arrested and (this is my point, lol) SHE called the prosecutor to drop the charges. She said it was all her fault. She intimated the fight, blah, blah. The city where it happened said, NO, way. You don't have to cooperate or be a witness. We have several witnesses to the abuse. So, they are going forward with her.
There is a NC order against him. He isn't allowed to see her. Of course, he has but it was so she could break up with him. All she needed was a break for awhile to see what was being done to her. Now, we expect he will go away for more than a year, five years no contact, five years probation. P.S. He was already a convicted felon with a long history.
I wish you well but know that there may be difficult times ahead. For your own sake you should worry about you and let him deal with the consequences of his own actions.