Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

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hollygrove 09/23/2012

This past Wednesday I managed to twist my ankle. I didn't like the way it looked on Thursday, so went to the doctor. Sure enough, I've broken a small bone on my fibula. I'm on bedrest (except for the bathroom ) and have 3 weeks for this to heal, or potential surgery.
Mark has been attentive to me; getting me breakfast, ( usually forgets lunch) , as well as asking "Are you set, or is there something you need?" His office is at the top of the stairs, and I'm in a room at the bottom of them, so can yell if I Really need something. If I hear him coming downstairs, that's when I ask him to bring me "upstairs" things. He has legitimate things he must do ( work, class ) , so "sets me up" for three hours , or the length of time he thinks he'll be gone. He's limited how long he's gone so he can get back to me. I''m really not in danger of killing myself here on the couch crocheting.
Part of the reason he's doing this ( I think) is because if I do have to have surg. , he'll really have to do more. He's very active in doing things that might make me "better". We're going today to get crutches , which is better for my ankle, for example.
I've never had the experience of him abusing me, then saying "I love you and want you never to leave me", etc. I don't think this is an example of this, but more the "responsible" side of him. Any thoughts? Holly

deleted_user 09/23/2012

so, if he is not abusing you and is being good to you, attentive to you, then why are you in this site? Do you want him to abuse you? Or are you lying and just telling us how good he is now, and leaving out the bad. There must be some reason why you came here...? Do you want him to abuse you, some women like it, no kidding, my sister's husband abuses her, and she is married 43 years. She didn't want a man like my father who was a woss, controlled by my mom...There must be a reason why you wrote on this site. I am sure there are sites for couples, and sharing good things they do?

meyers

deleted_user 09/23/2012

I wish I knew the answer to this. Today I'm sick and scumbag is being really considerate and I'm feeling guilty for considering leaving him. But it's all just part of the headf**ks isn't it? Maybe some days they are just genuinely nice. Does it make up for everything else? Not really. Maybe they think it does. Maybe they just want us to get better quicker so we can get back to making them feel good about themselves. Maybe they just want to be helpful to make them feel good about themselves. It's all so confusing isn't it?

Hope you're foot is better soon and that you make the most of the 'niceness' in the meantime x

deleted_user 09/23/2012

Sorry to hear about your foot. Get well soon. I take it that you are off from work.

Sometimes they get genuinely worried about the health if their meal ticket. If you can't work then it impacts him in a negative way. Don't be surprised if he starts getting impatient with your recovery.

Enjoy it while it lasts.

KateBgreat 09/23/2012

I think I read somewhere they can be nice - until the other abusive part takes over - otherwise none of us would be with these guys. I'm enjoying being taken care of a little - but warily. We're at our most vulnerable sick so taking help feels good. Hopefully some day we'll get the real deal - without the abusive stuff too.

kazb25 09/23/2012

meyers sometimes i do laugh at your replies. I know they are not meant to make me laugh but its just your wording. Holly is wiv an abusive man and she is now being treated nicely and she is probably not used to this nice treatment from him. And holly, i think u are probably on the money. He is most likely being nice so u heal quicker so then he does not have to do more in the long run. Id say do not let your guard down if he is usually abusive. When u are better then expect u abuse to return. Sorry wish i could say its going to remain this way but its doubtful. And i bet that for use next three wks he does not manage to keep up this Mr nice guy act all the way throu.

deleted_user 09/23/2012

If he's like my husband, then he's probably being nice now, so that when he's horrible later, he can bring this period up and say how nice he was to you, and ask how you can be so unappreciative of him.

Livndadrem 09/23/2012

Abusers tend to go to extremes when their victim is vulnerable (sick or injured or whatever). Some will treat their victim way worse than normal - expect you to wait on him/her hand and foot with a broken ankle, expect 6 cooked meals a day with a stomach bug, etc. Others enjoy the "weakness" of their victim and so will tend to them and play the role of amazing nursemaid. There's ALWAYS a catch, a price to pay and/or a benefit to them, though. Sometimes that price is exactly what maybe said - that next time he's awful to you, he will feel he has "bought" himself a free pass to abuse by being nice now. And probably you are right too - he's hoping that if he tends to you properly now, you'll heal without surgery and get back sooner to the important work of having the world revolve around him. With the added benefit of having his "free pass" to use at some future date (or possibly many, many future dates).

hollygrove 09/24/2012

To answer "why I'm here", I am married to a controlling man who hasn't given me a cent for years ( since I bounced a check). Yes, he has hit me in the past, and I'm here to learn more and ask questions. The posting of "he's so attentive" can be deleted. He gave me some water this morning and left for the day. I'm Not to put any weight on the ankle, but he's left me no choice today. In fact, he announced that he was going to visit his parents tomorrow, an all day affair. I'm fortunate today that a friend is going to stop by at lunch and get a sandwich out of the fridge, but can't stay beyond that.
Mark "has things to do " and has won't let anything get in the way of these things. Hence, all he had time for this morning was water. He's showing the colors I'm used to ; neglect and "don't interfer with my plans". Well it was a good 4 days while it lasted. -Holly

Livndadrem 09/24/2012

I'm so sorry Holly - I really hoped it would last until you were "back on your feet" as it were. Did you at least get the crutches?

I'm glad you have a friend coming around, and believe me I DO know how hard it is. I royally destroyed my ankle a year or so ago - was told don't walk on it. I asked how I was supposed to manage with a (then) 3 yr old son and a 2 storey house. Did the best I could - there ARE ways to stay off it as much as possible, and beyond that you have to just make the best of it.

And that ROYALLY sucks when you have someone who is supposed to be there for you and take care of you. But doesn't.

wvartgirl 09/24/2012

Abusers have mastered the art of intermittent positive reinforcement. This conditioning is powerful brain washing material that they use so that we still hold out hope that they will change.

You may enjoy a few days of him paying attention and/or being attentive but most abusers will ignore you when sick or disabled. It's just not their problem.

This strategy is meant to throw us off balance and to keep us guessing, another hallmark of the abuser.

I am so sorry that you hurt your ankle and I hope that your body heals quickly. Make sure you take very good care of yourself and reach out to caring friends and family to help you out.

hollygrove 09/26/2012

Thank you for your understanding and comments. He's back to "doing his own thing", but still manages to bring me breakfast. He came home 2 days ago and said "We're going to go Now to get you crutches. I said I didn't feel like going in the evening, but he had his way. "You'll be less dependent on me that way". That was the whole point.
So he's gone today from 9 to 6 p.m. He's "going to see how you do on your own" before he goes to his parents' tomorrow. I'll get along fine today because I Have to ; I"m not going to starve all day. I'll do enough that it will convince him I'm fine alone.
I'm concerned that the other side of the ankle ( I broke it on one side ) is turning black. He said "It's because you're doing too much". Well duh, if he's gone, I have to take care of myself.
I"m looking forward to the appt with the orthopedist to hear what he has to say . If he says "seven more weeks on crutches", I don't know what I'll do . Well, one day at a time . - Holly

Livndadrem 09/26/2012

I didn't break mine, but I sprained it pretty bad. And nearly the whole foot turned black. I'm no orthopedist, so don't want to pre-empt what they say, but my best guess would be that you've done some ligament damage on both sides of the ankle.

It sucks but you're right - you CAN manage. And now you have crutches, you can manage that little bit better. It SHOULD be the case that, being married, you are so much better off than I was, because I was single when it happened to me. But one of the reasons I WAS single is because I totally get that it's even worse when you're both single and married at the same time.

Take care of yourself, stay off it as much as you can, but try not to stress yourself when you DO have to be on it.

deleted_user 09/26/2012

I agree with wvartgirl.

Also, no amount of amends and niceness can erase past abuse. Abusers seem to want to make us think it can though.

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