My ex wanted the divorce but played games with it too. In the end I had to apply on my own because of the games he was playing. I think it was control, I also think in his case that he liked the idea of toying with me. He would make impossible demands about how it was to go (we have a child, so there were issues there that needed to be addressed) and then tell me that "everybody" thought that the reason I wouldn't sign the papers was because I wanted him back.

I'm really not sure what to do about it other than to find out what your options are if he never signs the papers. Then ask him to sign, just to get it over with. If he still doesn't, then go through with plan B.

This is him trying to control things. It's going to be hard to feel free until you are divorced. Even tho you might feel somewhat free now, when the divorce is officially final, you will find yourself with a whole new sense of freedom.

I wouldn't ask him. I would do as Liv suggests & contact your attorney and have him/her contact his attorney to get things moving. I really Liv's idea to put together a plan B in case stbx continues to drag his feet.

I was married to an abusive control freak (yes, I've married two abusers) when I was only 20. We were married for a year, and then I left him. We had no money or property or anything to divide up.

I just left him, and didn't actually get divorced from him for 7 years!

I just kept hoping that he would find someone to marry and that he would do it. I was afraid to start the whole thing, just in case it reawakened his anger (there were a few times where I thought he was going to murder me-I time, especially where it was a close call)..

I didn't mind knowing that there was that marriage certificate floating around somewhere. It never affected me in any way.

I divorced him only because I was going to get married to abuser number 2-so it was like I got passed off from one abuser to another.

So my take on your situation is to not worry too much about it. If there is nothing else binding you guys-no property, no bank stuff..

a month isn't that long, I'd probably just leave it a little longer to see if he does it..if he doesn't, and you really want it done, then maybe you'll have to contact him, but for sure then, he will toy with you, make you spend more money than you wanted, and waste more time than you wanted..

maybe if you wait a little bit longer, he'll just get bored of the toying and do it.

thank you all! some good advice here.

It is his bday also, so he may be putting it off a bit.

sociopaths have shallow emotions, but they do feel sorry for themselves, so he may just need some time to be like "poor me" and then will sign it. That's my hope.

I'm sorry to hear about all of your ex's playing games also. At least these people are out of our lives now!

My husband refusing to sign cos he does not want to pay. Court costs! From my understanding you can have him served with papers and then the divorce will proceed. You solicitor can advise you. I think it's a control thing with your husband like it is with mine. Thing is my stbx does not know once served he can't stop it.

i'm going to agree with MyTrueColors and say he is trying to control you.
My STBX decided he should file rather than me - I let him do it because it made my life easier but I had to go by his time table.

It has taken every ounce of strenthg not to contact him to find out what was taking so long, and I finally found out it was going to be in court by calling the courthouse.

I think if it's healthier for you, stay in No Contact and don't push. If you ask him about them he may try to hold them up further.

ya I guess I can pay $200-$300 to have him served if he doesn't respond. I'm going to wait a week and then just see.

And then he forwards me some career article today. As if we're friends and all is normal. These guys are so weird. I can't wait for him to be totally out of my brain.

I went to a meditation class, and it's really helping. To know you can choose to let go of these stresses is nice.

update...I finally just texted him and said something about how I wasn't sure if my lawyer had dropped the ball and he had already signed the papers.

48 hours later he said his lawyer is still on vacation. It has been 30 days -- no one takes 30 day vacations. So he's clearly lying.

I'm afraid if I serve him the papers, that being a sociopath/control person, he might freak out and do something crazy.

He's probably trying to stretch out the divorce for his own benefit, though he knows I want it to end faster.

I'm trying to just chill and realize it doesn't really matter if we're techincally married, since we aren't in any pracitcal way (6 months of living apart, haven't seen him in a while, etc.) But it still makes me panic to think he might try to stretch this out for a year.

And if I put pressure to rush it (or just serve him the papers), I'm afraid what he'll do. But I feel trapped just sitting around and waiting,and waiting. It's already been 6 months since I moved out,and it feels like an eternity.

But luckily I think I'm finally falling out of love w/ him, for real.

I forgot to mention, when he texted that his lawyer was on vacation, but that he would call sometime during the week (there is nothing to discuss w/ a lawyer of course...it's a simple non-contested sign-on-the-line thing), he mentioned that I should try this new grocery store that delivers, but make sure I order a lot of food at one time so the delivery fee makes sense.

It was extremely odd. What does HE care about my grocery habits?

Like he was trying to distract me from the divorce *look over here! grocery store talk!!*

It is annoying to have something like this hang over your head, especially when everything else has been tidied up already. He may be doing this because he realizes this is the last thread connecting him to you.

Give yourself a dead-deadline. Maybe another 2 weeks or so. Then serve the papers. Don't get too angry or emotional about this, or else he wins.

thanks easylaugh, and all of you.

update. He emailed today that he would be signing the papers! I haven't had it confirmed yet if he actually sent them, but it is quite a relief.

How odd that I was so happy...I never would have dreamed that before..when I was so attached/inlove with him, I couldn't imagine being happy without him! And here I was smiling all afternoon knowing I'm FREE.

I really did feel trapped I guess...not being not divorced, but in not knowing what he was doing, or what he was up to, and having this waiting game hanging over my head. I kept wondering if he had a master plan.

I notice that I cry about him much more rarely now. It's been a full 6 months since moving out. And I've had moments of happiness -- and it's like remembering what sun feels like.

It's like remembering what I used to be!

I'm going to be careful now, to not get attached to the wrong things, or perhaps to not get attached to anything and just let things come and go more.

He sounds just like my ex. Just acting like nothing is wrong. In my state "serving" papers can be done by mail, not in person, which is how I handled my uncontested divorce. Maybe you can find out for your state? It sounds like you aren't letting your guard down - good job!

I missed this discussion originally....but yeah, I think it was just his last time he could tweak you...and he did it, just to remind you who he was. See if he could push your buttons one last time. I'm glad you didn't react as far as he was concerned....He finally got bored with it, I think, and decided to do what he really wanted to.

Glad you are going to meditation. It is one of the single most healing and helpful things I have done, is go to a weekly group, and get in the habit of meditating almost daily, sometimes twice a day.

big hugs....

I'm happy to report that he FINALLY did sign the papers! Now I just need to go in tomorrow and do the final signature. Then there will be nothing linking us together whatsoever.

It's odd to go from one day, having someone enmeshed in every aspect of your life, someone who you (at least feel) is your best friend (even if they weren't really, you think they are), who you tell everything to (and of course, who is emotionally abusive some days, but yet who you feel "knows" you somehow) and the next, to be complete strangers with no knowledge of each other.

Usually I drag out my break-ups, but this one had to be swift. I think that makes it harder initially, but easier longer-term.