Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Ive been having lots of anxiety lately about custody. We havent gone before the judge yet, but in my divorce petition, I am asking for sole custody of our daughter and the ability to return to live in the US as my #1 goal, and then if I have to stay here, then to have supervised visits.
I am feeling bad because she is now 5 months and my husband hasnt seen her for 2 months since I left. She is going through so many milestones and growing so quickly, I am feeling bad that he is missing out on these things, but MOSTLY that she will be missing out on having a father in her life if I go back to the US. I could tough it out and stay here in Europe I speak the language, I know the culture and Im sure I could find a job, even though there isnt much available to me, but we could live a comfortable enough life. I could make friends there are plenty of American groups in the city where I am. My family could come visit, and my mom has even said she would consider moving here permanently if I have to stay (shes retired). I would just prefer living in the US because I KNOW I could get a good job and our quality of life would be better. Not to mention I would have family and friends nearby. My husband has a green card but its temporary and we were supposed to be renewing it this coming year since it was based upon marriage. There is a way for him to request it on his own, even after the divorce, saying we married in good faith, but if they see on the divorce documents it was due to DM, I highly doubt they are going to renew his card. So, anytime he would want to come to the US, he would have to request a visitors visa, which is never 100%.
SO, my choices are stay here and suck it up, or move back and not have her father be a part of her life. I dont want her to grow up having daddy issues because he isnt involved by MY (selfish?) choice. But then I tell myself even if he does have visitation, I asked for supervised visits, so its not like they will have a super great relationship because someone will always be watching over their shoulders during visits.
I also feel guilty that she will have a whole entire family in his country aunts, cousins, grandma & even great-grandma that she wont have any memory of since she only met them at 6 weeks, and I will NEVER let him take her there alone (its in the Middle East and they arent part of the Hague Convention, thus setting myself up to never see her again!)
I know its possible for her to grow up without a father and be perfectly normal, especially since she will be surrounded by people that love and care for her, but I feel like Im taking one of her rights away especially since he wants to be involved. But then in my mind I dont trust him at all and Im afraid as she gets older he will try to manipulate her and turn her against me (like he tried to do with me and my family) and play the victim, like he usually does. Or worse, that he will become morally abusive to her (again, using our faith as a tool) and I dont want him to fill her mind with all of these ideas. So, really, would her life be better with or without him? I already carry around so much guilt about this and shes still a baby.
Ultimately, it will come down to what the judge decides in regards to where we live, but until then (which could very well be another year) I keep doubting myself and feeling like I am making a selfish decision.
Thoughts?
I am feeling bad because she is now 5 months and my husband hasnt seen her for 2 months since I left. She is going through so many milestones and growing so quickly, I am feeling bad that he is missing out on these things, but MOSTLY that she will be missing out on having a father in her life if I go back to the US. I could tough it out and stay here in Europe I speak the language, I know the culture and Im sure I could find a job, even though there isnt much available to me, but we could live a comfortable enough life. I could make friends there are plenty of American groups in the city where I am. My family could come visit, and my mom has even said she would consider moving here permanently if I have to stay (shes retired). I would just prefer living in the US because I KNOW I could get a good job and our quality of life would be better. Not to mention I would have family and friends nearby. My husband has a green card but its temporary and we were supposed to be renewing it this coming year since it was based upon marriage. There is a way for him to request it on his own, even after the divorce, saying we married in good faith, but if they see on the divorce documents it was due to DM, I highly doubt they are going to renew his card. So, anytime he would want to come to the US, he would have to request a visitors visa, which is never 100%.
SO, my choices are stay here and suck it up, or move back and not have her father be a part of her life. I dont want her to grow up having daddy issues because he isnt involved by MY (selfish?) choice. But then I tell myself even if he does have visitation, I asked for supervised visits, so its not like they will have a super great relationship because someone will always be watching over their shoulders during visits.
I also feel guilty that she will have a whole entire family in his country aunts, cousins, grandma & even great-grandma that she wont have any memory of since she only met them at 6 weeks, and I will NEVER let him take her there alone (its in the Middle East and they arent part of the Hague Convention, thus setting myself up to never see her again!)
I know its possible for her to grow up without a father and be perfectly normal, especially since she will be surrounded by people that love and care for her, but I feel like Im taking one of her rights away especially since he wants to be involved. But then in my mind I dont trust him at all and Im afraid as she gets older he will try to manipulate her and turn her against me (like he tried to do with me and my family) and play the victim, like he usually does. Or worse, that he will become morally abusive to her (again, using our faith as a tool) and I dont want him to fill her mind with all of these ideas. So, really, would her life be better with or without him? I already carry around so much guilt about this and shes still a baby.
Ultimately, it will come down to what the judge decides in regards to where we live, but until then (which could very well be another year) I keep doubting myself and feeling like I am making a selfish decision.
Thoughts?
Just the fact that you are weighing this shows you are far from selfish, or vindictive so dump that bag of bricks.
In my situation I have guilt that I didn't fight for sole custody. I believe my ex imposed a form of emotional abuse called "partentificaion" where the child takes the place of the spouse on an emotional level, and the child ends up focusing on the emotional needs of the parent at the expense of their own development. It's also called "emotional incest" if that gives you a clearer picture of what a nasty form of abuse this is-because the child becomes the spouse in every way but physically. And being the 'spouce' for my ex meant a good dose of nasty behaviors as it was. My daughter has mental health problems.
Looking back-I used the best information I could at the time-I was not aware I was being emotionally abused-so I never considered she would be-I didn't understand abuse at all. I didn't want to take away my daughter's father, I didn't want to put her through court proceedings that would likely have ultimately ended up with the same outcome anyway, since our courts favor joint parenting in every situation but the most severely abusive, such as sexual abuse or serious neglect. But may be if I'd tried I wouldn't have had this guilt, this regret. But maybe it would have would have made everything much, much worse. I'll never know now-I just have to learn to deal with the current outcome. All we can ever do is make the best choices we can in the moment, and deal with the outcomes the best we can. We can't see the future.
I don't know if that's helpful at all....
I had sole custody of my daughter (my son was in college so he has his own choice on whether to see his father or not). I had letters from her psychologist and my psychologist indicating my daughter, who was 12 at the time, should be able to make her own decision as to whether she sees her father or not. She chose not. He was an abuser and an alcoholic. He didn't have anything legal indicating she had to see him. And, when during the custody mediation they mentioned that perhaps I could consider supervised visitation for him, he got angry and refused. He stormed out of the room and said, "Give her sole custody."
See, these guys don't like to be told what to do, and when facing the legal system, they lose control, which works in our favor.
Just so you're aware, my daughter suffers from anxiety, depression, PTSD, and recently has been put on a mood stabilizer. This may affect your child this severely as well.
You only have one life. If I was you I would do what is best for you. Your daughter just needs to be in a loving home and not exposed to abuse.
"...being exposed to abuse can have horrific results that she will carry for the rest of her life."
I'm changing the word 'can' to WILL.
Exposure to abuse causes all kinds of emotional and mental problems!
It can & does cause the hippocampus to shrink up to 20%.
It can and does cause PTSD, 'unexplained' anger, lack of trust, low self-esteem, a sense of helplessness and hopelessness, depression and other emotional disorders including attachment disorder.
There are many studies that show this to be true.
One more thing that exposing a child to abuse does, even if the abuser isn't directly abusing the child:
Children learn what they live
and
live what they learn.
Therefore, children grow up believing:
abuse is normal (yet not having a name for how they are living)
they are in the wrong, but knowing on some level that something outside of them isn't right
and
unable to trust themselves and their instincts/intuition
and finally
that it's ok to abuse and be abused.
IMHO, while neither are desirable, 'daddy issues' are preferable to abuse.
And you can definitely do something about the 'daddy issues' by getting her into therapy and learning how to explain how why daddy isn't there w/o badmouthing daddy, saving the horrible truth until she is older. (For example, daddy is sick and can't be around us.)
There are way worse things than not knowing your grandparents. (and she can always get in touch w/them when she is an adult if she chooses)
I also wonder if the apple didn't fall far from the tree... A good many abusers come from abusive family or origin environments.
Ultimately you will have to make the decision and the very best advice I can give you is to sit quietly and go deep inside. Imagine you made the decision to stay in the US. See how that FEELS - no words/thoughts. Do you feel relaxed? relieved? safe? scared? etc. Then live like this is your final decision for three days.
After three days, sit quietly again. This time imagine you are staying - not coming back to the US. And live as if this is your final decision for three days. See how that FEELS - again, no words/thoughts. Do you feel relaxed? relieved? safe? sacred?
Trust your body. Deep down you know what is right & safe for you and your daughter.
I agree with the others.....trust your instincts, first. Second, living under the shadow of abuse is far more damaging to a child than not having a father in their life could ever be.
I wish you peace and love, from halfway around the world:) hugs
Yes, your child deserves a father. But as young as she is, chances are good that you would meet someone else in time for her to feel like he is her father. If not, no father at all is better than one of these fathers.
My exH was around when my kids were little and he missed most of it anyway, he was so self-absorbed. After changing a few diapers with the first one because of the novelty of it, he was not involved with any part of their care. He is just too damaged to be an effective father. Oh, and now he tries to motivate my daughter to do sports by telling her she's fat (thanks Dad!) and for her to do well in school by telling her she is a terrible student. She has very low self-esteem, despite being a cute and special girl.
My father likely abused my mother for 8 and a half years before I was born, and he started on me. Looking back, I wish she had divorced him. Now as an adult myself, I know what kind of man he is, and wouldn't want him around my own children. I would not leave them alone with him. I`ve had no relationship with him for several years now, and given the fallout from childhood, I wish he was never my father.
You're not depriving your daughter of this particular kind of father and family by wanting to take her away; you're wanting something that will save her. This man`s mother denied that he hurt you right in FRONT of her. That`s not a family - it`s a mess of dangerous dysfunction.
Please take comfort - you are a great mother, and you have good intentions for your baby! Hugs xxx
He is STILL weird like that-on one hand he won't take her to a rated R movie because there might be naked people in it (she's 18) and on the other hand he tells her personal, sexual stuff like he is afraid to have sex when he finds a new gf because he doesn't like his body. WTF?!? Sick, and creepy!
Honestly in retrospect I don't know what I was thinking when I allowed joint custody. I was just so 1) in denial on some level and 2) afraid it would push him over the edge-give him nothing to lose....
I know that being exposed to abuse has major negative effects of children. Sometimes I think that even at 3 months when she saw us arguing on several occasions and him attacking me that it may somehow have it may affect her subconsciously later in life. I pray that isnt the case, and maybe she wont remember. Either way, getting her away from that environment is the best thing that I could have done for her that I am sure of.
Also as several of you have mentioned your exs becoming obsessed with their daughters looks or school grades I can see that happening given that he holds such high expectations that NO ONE could ever attain them. I can see him doing this to her and in return her not feeling good enough or that she is letting him down. The other thing that worries me is that with our faith, women are supposed to cover (I have my own thoughts about that) and as she grows up I want her to make the decision for herself and I will support her either way, whereas he will probably try to push it on her or become verbally abusive if she chooses NOT to, and I dont want her thinking that she has no choice or that she does it just to please him.
Overall, I keep thinking the more distance between us the better. I try to trust my intuition but part of my problem (stemming from his abuse) is that I just need so much reassurance that Im making the right decisions.
And even very young children feel the tension and internalize it. My older son was a very fussy baby and slept poorly (our marriage started falling apart about the time he was born). Right after he was potty-trained at almost 3, he started wetting the bed. (His father used to get very angry about it!) But after the first night in our new house without the father, he never wet the bed again--he was already 9 years old. I firmly believe he was doing that because of the toxic environment.
IF you feel guilty at all, then I'd try to raise her around an Arabic community so he understands that part of her heritage, lest you ever be accused of denying that part of her.
Presuming you still have love for Allah and the faith, I'd teach her the TRUE Quran and what it is to be a REAL Muslim; loving and joyous. Be her rock and know that you will be rewarded for being the best mom.